Konoha Hostess Club
by autographontheradio
Summary: Karin threw him a skirt. "From now on, you are a hostess!" And Naruto couldn't hide. But he did get help, from a certain Uchiha and his family. But of course these Uchihas aren't exactly... the most ordinary boys in town. SasuNaru, ItachixMadara CRACK
1. the debt

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

**Listening to**: _When we were kids - The Galvatrons_

Random quote, from Ouran Host Club, which inspired me for this fic-

**"Tama-Chan kick!" **

**-**Tamaki Suou

* * *

Edit: Put chapters one and two together.

**Warnings- This story doesn't have that much of a plot. Its more like Lucky Star style with a lot of anime and manga references, so keep that in mind, won't ya? that's how I like writing my stories. **

* * *

Konoha High School Academy, (_Motto: A dropout will still beat a genius through hard work_) well to put it in a simple way, has enough money to build the school in gold or silver, maybe diamond, and the students are righteously educated _and will not fail _in life. The female students become good housewives _and _business women. The male versions of this species are and will be wealthy, polite, is well-being, good, and _do not act like pricks._

Take Neji Hyuuga for example. He's been the top of every class since he came here. He's also Class President. He will, of course, help those who need help. Take one, completely original girl character for example- she's pretty, her father's company rivals the Hyuuga. Her father complains also about these Hyuugas on a daily basis. Even more than the Uchiha, can you believe.

'Neji,' this girl said in a simpery voice. We shall call this girl, 'Natsuki' for now. She handed her maths homework to the white-eyed boy- or teen, if you prefer. Neji looked at the paper uninterestedly, turned away from his fellow friends/classmates/aqquaintences/fangirls to help Natsuki. They sat down on some seats, and Neji helped her with her homework. Natsuki, being a kind _and _observant young woman, noticed that this person's voice was uninterested, plain, ordinary and when he talked, their was a hint a dislike in his voice.

'Thank you for helping,' Natsuki said to Neji. Of course, she was kind-of expecting a 'Your welcome' reply and a smile. But Neji reverted his eyes away, got up and muttered, 'Now, get lost.'

See?

What an outrageous _prick_.

Seriously, I bet Natsuki converted to lesbianism after that.

Neji Hyuuga (Although not a main character of this plot) besides being Class President, smart and popular, one of his other hobbies was visiting Konoha's female Hostess club after school. Well, if the Hyuuga was not very nice to Natsuki, why was he nice to these girls? Every couple of days (There was a note pinned to the front of the school that showed the times and dates the club would be open every month) he would walk to the clubroom, dragging along his awesome friend Gaara to visit these lovely ladies.

The Konoha Hostess Club was made up of 6 _very _wealthy prestigious young ladies. Their mothers used to run the club, and their fathers had been customers. Neji's very own cousin Hinata was apart of this club- the 'silent' type, the others all dubbed this role for her. If Neji had been a girl, he would have been in this club. Hinata's sister Hanabi was training to be in the club.

Besides Hinata, Gaara's sister - her name was Temari - was the 'courageous, wild type' she even accepted a dare to host Gaara.

Gaara threw up afterwards.

Then there was Ino- the 'blonde type' (No offense to blondes out there) but she was pretty popular, her father was training her to be a mind hypnotist. Tenten- Tenten was in Neji's class, one of the more _bearable_ females of the school population, Sakura Haruno - a pink-haired _average _(This was Neji's assumption) and the leader, (President) was Karin, who Neji would never pick for her to host him (Usually picked Tenten or Ino) and did not want anything to do with Neji anyway, she was always cussing over Sasuke Uchiha and whenever Sasuke tried to switch hosts or a host would come to him, she would give out a super evil glare that _even _Itachi would be afraid of. Poor Sasuke.

Usually guys just come and go - (There were rumors that Temari used to seduce men and prostitute herself to them, but this was just a big fat lie that her ex-boyfriend made up in jealousy) Sai, Neji and Gaara were some of the main people that went to the club, and one fine day, the birds were chirping outside and the Hostesses were scheming up a plan to go outside onto the schools luxurious gardens (With permission from the grounds keeper first) and have a massive Hostess party. All invited.

But then suddenly there was a _CRASH _and _KRISHAIDSHAJSDDDDDDD _(Which is a word, can you believe) and it started to rain. Very heavily. There was a _BANG _and it started to also thunder. Thankfully the Hostesses didn't go outside. Ino shrieked and hid under a table. The electricity flickered and died.

'Eh?' Sakura blinked, putting her teacup down. 'I can't see a thing!'

The birds decided to stop chirping now. They would properly been struck by lightning. Everyone in the room's eyes adjusted to the darkness, another _crash _told them that this particular bolt hit the roof. About half of everyone in the room screamed.

'Damn,' Sai muttered to himself. 'It's too dark; I can't see my book...'

'You don't need your damn book!' snapped Sakura from underneath the table. Sai brought and read this book everyday, helping him interact with many fellow students that lurked this school. Once he was given a book from the _Icha Icha _series.

Pure, absolute, _chaos. _

'I know, but I want to read what do you do in these situations...'

_I've made up my mind, _Inner-Sakura said. _Sai is an idiot. _

'Oh!' Sai lifted a finger into the air. 'I remember now. When a friend is in need, you make sure you sound comforting and give them a hug.'

_It's the end! _Inner-Sakura screamed, waving her hands away at a blooming Sai. _Quit the Club! Don't let Sai ever near you again! He will- AHHHHHHHHHH... _

Sakura felt cold hands reach out for her.

Inner-Sakura was currently drowning in a puddle of tears, trying to edge away from Sai. Outer-Sakura also tried to edge away, and then Sai groped, the uh- _wrong _spot.

The sounds of thunder were quickly drowned in Sakura's screeches.

'SAI YOU PERVERT!'

_Slap. _

'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT! THAT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT!'

'I didn't kn-'

'I WON'T EVER HOST YOU AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?'

'Sakura, SHUT UP!' snapped Shikamaru Nara from Temari's side. 'Save it for when the lights come back on!'

There was a slapping coming from Sakura and Sai's part of the room, Karin sighed, pulling herself from a disgruntled Sasuke Uchiha's side. 'I'm going to find the door, see if anyone is around.'

'The other students will be in other clubs,' informed Tenten. 'And the exit is that way...'

'What way?'

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Stupid Karin. He really wanted Sakura to host him today but **OH NO **as usual he landed with _Karin_. He heard Karin padding across the floors (bumping into a few seats, I might add) and nearly got to the door-

When it was flung upon again. The lightning struck again and everyone saw the new-comers face, a spark of blonde hair and that short figure.

Everyone flinched.

They knew who it was. That annoying brat from 1st year class D. Son of a _gang leader. _

_Who in their right mind would send the son of a gang leader to this school!? _Inner-Sakura spat on the ground. Outer-Sakura agreed with herself.

The kids name was, from everyone's assumptions, Naruko "Naruto" Uzumaki. Those who called him "Naruko" got a beating. His skinny yet a tiny bit feministic build screamed out _innocent _yet when they met him it became _deadly. _And he also knew perfectly well his father - the infamous Minato Namikaze - had enrolled him as 'Naruko' and all the teachers _introduced him as the new girl, Uzumaki Naruko. _Of course, all the students listened to good little teachers and refer to him as 'she'. But then again… he did have a feminine body, his hair, if straightened, would look like a girls. Even his voice sounded girlish.

His voice reminded them all of the famous voice actor, Junko Takeuchi.

--Back to the main scene--

'...What the hell is this? I thought it was the bathroom!'

Naruko was busting. He had to use girl's toilets, because when he went into the mens- he took one step past the door, and was kicked out.

'What do you want, loser? Get lost!' Temari said. 'Shika, get off me...'

The whiskered blonde started to babble.

'Well I was looking for a bathroom and the lights turned off and I came here.'

'Don't you have a clubroom?' asked Karin.

'Why would I want a clubroom Why should I be in a club?'

'...It's compulsory. School rules.'

'It isn't fucking not!'

The girls gasped at this. No one _ever _dared use the word _fuck _before, HERE, at KONOHA HIGH SCHOOL (Academy).

'You dare say the curse word?' came Karin's voice from the darkness, dripping with venom.

Naruto paused. '...It's a curse word?'

'DIDN'T YOUR PARENT'S EVER TEACH YOU _ANYTHING?' _

Naruto shrugged. '...Not that I know of.'

Karin would have just loved to kick him out right now, but she couldn't see him because of the blackout. But Naruto wouldn't just damn LEAVE.

He felt around in the darkness, going into several things.

'Watch do you' think you are doing?' Karin snapped.

'Sitting down. I saw a seat here-'

_**CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. **_

'...Oh shit,' Naruto whimpered, stumbling. 'I think I did something wrong...'

The lights came on.

And before Naruko "Naruto" Uzumaki was a scattered mess all over the ground.

Beneath the rubble, Karin saw a table, a chair, the serving tray, broken bits of glass and the most expensive item in this room- a china fox- crushed into the ground.

'Yeah,' Naruto's words came out sheepishly. '...I tripped.'

This was true.

No words could describe Karin's anger. Naruto swore he saw red. Everyone gaped- Karin was like a kettle reaching its boiling point.

'_NARUKO UZUMAKI, _YOU STUPID _LITTLE GIRL, _I WILL GET YOU EXPELLED FOR THIS! THIS FOX COST A LOT OF MONEY, OVER 50,000! CAN YOU AFFORD THAT-'

'No-'

'YOU ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE-'

'Ok-'

'AUCTUALLY NO! THEY ARE ONE OF THE RAREST ITEMS IN THE WORLD, IT WAS MY FATHERS. WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN _WHEN HE FINDS OUT ITS BROKEN!?'_

'...Beat me up?' Naruto suggested. He was nearly to the point of going to cower and sink through the floor. 'Or _my _father, because it would be abuse if he touched me!?'

Karin pointed a finger at Naruto. 'Wait here! Boys, leave now!'

The male students of the room left, all eying the small girl with the too-big uniform, scratched a whiskered (scarred, they presumed) cheek.

Karin stomped over to the other hostesses. Naruto got down and sat on the floor.

After about a minute, all 6 came over, towering over Naruto like school buses.

'Naruko,' said Karin in a far more sweeter tone, 'I-'

'It's Naruto-'

'We, of Konoha's Hostess Club, have decided you will pay us back for the fox.'

'I don't have 50-k.'

'Shut up,' Karin tapped her foot. 'By selling yourself.'

'I'm a sex slave!?'

Naruto sounded horrified.

Even Hinata had to suppress a giggle. Karin's face made a slight modification, and she continued: 'You will become a member of the club. Since you aren't exactly... well, that _popular, _I'm sure you will have such _a hard_ time attracting customers.'

'Um,' Naruto's eyes shifted. 'Girls or boys?'

'Men, of course! You retard!' snarled Karin. 'This is a _female _host club. We entertain MALES.'

'Oh,' Naruto considered. 'Why can't it be girls?'

'Having a lesbian in the club would higher our ratings, you know,' whispered Temari to Karin. 'But we don't really have girls that swing this way, but the boys could be interested in this...' Karin thought about it for a moment. Her face went from simpery to the face that was reserved for Sasuke.

'So, Naruto, you are into those things?' Her voice was light and airy.

'Of course!' The girls remained completely _oblivious _to the fact that he, Naruto Uzumaki was a FRIGGIN MALE FOR CYING OUT LOUD.

_My Nightmare has only just began, _Naruto said to himself, earning a kick from Karin and many heated stares from the other girls as he cleared the place up, head hanging.

* * *

Naruto dragged himself home last night. Kushina, his mother, was wondering where the hell he was, and handed her- his brand new uniform.

'What was wrong with just wearing casual clothes?' Kushina sighed, looking at the summer dress in distaste. 'It dosen't say anything about you REQUIRING a school uniform. And why is this the girls uniform?'

'Exactly!' Naruto felt sick. 'They all think I'm a little girl! Dad enrolled me as Naruko!'

Jiraiya, who was sitting behind the dinner table with a laptop proped on his lap, snorted. 'Why!?'

'How the hell should I know!?' Naruto snapped back. 'I can't go to the guys rooms, I get kicked out.'

'Pull your pants down and prove you're a guy.'

'And then I would have to go to school because I would get a call about Naruto flashing!' Kushina added her two cents in, heating up dinner in the microwave for Naruto. (He came in late). 'Look, Naruto, just don't wear the uniform.'

'But I have to!'

'Says who?'

'Karin, shes in charge of this hostess club and I broke something of theirs, now I have to entertain men...'

Jiraiya spat out his sake.

'W-WAH?? No godson of mine is a queer!'

'I'm no queer! I just have to put up with them and get money out of them then pay 50 thousand back to the club...'

_'50, 000? WHAT? _You can't be serious!' shrieked Kushina. 'Hell, even I don't have that much money! Though 'Nato could, y'know...'

'No gambling, the kids going to pay it back all by himself, right?' Jirarya said, using his finger on his laptop to redirect 5GB worth of porn onto a USB. Kushina handed Naruto his dinner, which the blonde accepted and placed on the dinner table. 'But if Kushina or Minato get one phonecall about harrassment, queers... You are in for it, 'ya got that, kid?'

'Ero-sennin!' Naruto sounded horrifed. 'Like I said, I'm not going to turn gay!'

'I'll bet 5.' Jiraiya was teasing him.

'Jiraiya,' Kushina warned. 'No. Naruto's going to grow up and find a nice lady to live with and I'll be a grandmother with lots of children, won't I?'

'Hmph,' Naruto ate the rest of his dinner without a word. He looked over at his uniform, propped over a chair. 'Y-know... I should just take the top half of the winter uniform and I'll put trousers on...'

'Or skirt,' Jiaraya intercepted.

'Fuck you,' Naruto left angrily, swinging the door shut behind him.

* * *

Naruto opened the back door and skimmed outside to great a barely light backyard. The first thing that met him was his pet fox, Kyuubi. Except Kyuubi wasn't exactly very nice BUT at least he keeps the cats and dogs and birds away. But he let Naruto pat his furry head, then the blonde swung over the back fence via the pipes connecting the water tank, jumping down into about an inch of leaves. Swiftly, so the man who owned this garden could not see him, he ran like a ninja (That is; no arms required) running over two or three backyards, nearly falling in a pool. Naruto made it onto the nearly dark street, then across to the place his friend, Konohamaru worked, _Ichiraku Ramen_.

'Hey, brother! What can I get you today!?' Konohamaru welcomed Naruto warmly into the restraunt. He was pilying bowls on top of each other to place into the dishwasher afterwards. 'You look miserable!'

Naruto made noise between exhaspiration and and something that sounded like a crow, sitting down at the front bar, Konohamaru pouring him some water. (If it was alchol, poor Konohamaru would of gotten FIRED!) Naruto skulled it down like a shot and slammed the glass down. 'Gah,' he wiped his mouth. 'Thanks...'

Konohamaru came back from the kitchen and pretended to wipe glasses while having a conversation with Naruto.

'How's ya new school? Still think you are a girl?'

Naruto nodded miserbaly, and told him about what happened today at school.

'I wish I was back at the _other _Konoha high school.'

Konohamaru nodded in sympathy. 'I wish too. You _just _had to get expelled, didn't you?'

Naruto grunted. 'Not my fault.'

'No offense or anything, but spilling thiry-seven buckets of red paint down the hallway and claiming that you had your period _wasn't _the best idea you had.'

'So? It taught the teachers a lesson.'

'All it taught them was to put locks on the paint cabinets.'

Naruto's real intention of that was that girls always got to be excused to go to the loo, unlike MEN who just had to hold in and nearly piss themselves running to the bathroom afterwards.

'And,' Konohamaru continued. 'Any hot girls at your school?'

'I haven't really checked.. I have to hang around with 6 of them till I pay back... that'll be past graduation.'

'So then you'll just have to check out the men then.'

'No.'

Konohamaru smirked. 'Just imagine them with breasts and you'll fall for them.'

_WHY IS SO MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONING ME ABOUT MY SEXULAITY? _Naruto screamed in his head, chasing away a strangely disturbing image of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy men.

'Am I just imagining things or is this girl like girls?' A face appeared in front of Naruto, he jerked his head away.

'Don't be an asshole, Kiba!'

Kiba Inuzuka grinned in a rather mutt-like manner, retreating and blonking himself right next to Naruto. Kiba was in Naruto's year, though not his class They took art together. (Naruto prefered to draw gundam machines and Kiba liked animals) Naruto was in 1-D, which had, as Neji Hyuuga qouted to himself one day, '_Reject Class'. _While Inuzuka belonged to class 1-B, which is somewhere between C and A, respectivably.

'I was merely stating a fact,' Kiba sat down next to Naruto, Konohamaru grinning and proping his arms on the bar table, turning to Kiba.

'You Naruto's friend, yep?'

'Aqquaintence,' Naruto said before Kiba could reply.

'Naruto!' Kiba pretended to sound horrified, clutching his heart dramatically. _'I thought we were friends!_'

'Anyway, I went to school with him last term. Did you know he was expelled?'

Kiba looked at Konohamaru to a glaring Naruto. He looked once, twice, three times-

'...He?' Kiba said.

'Naruto's a guy,' Konohamaru said. 'I still think its amusing they think hes a girl.'

'...Excuse me?' Kiba said, squinting at Naruto. 'A guy?'

Naruto nodded.

'Eh? Then why does everything think you are a girl!?'

Naruto shrugged, 'How the hell should I know!' He dug into his pocket and took out his wallet. 'Look, I have an ID...'

'Its from 4 years ago,' Kiba held the ID into the light so he could see more clearer. 'And you have to work for a hostess club as a girl! Ha! You're in trouble!'

'How many people exactly know I work for a club now!?' the blonde exclaimed.

'Pretty much the whole school,' Kiba replied, handing the card back. 'No offense, but you do look and sound girly...'

'KIBA!'

'I'll kick you out if you are gonna do something like that!' Konohamaru flipped the glass back up and mopped up the water Naruto had just spilt.

'Don't worry, blondie. Your secret is safe with me!' Kiba gave a thumbsup.

'_Secret_?'

'Yeah, or else you won't get customers.'

'I wish there was a male host club instead and I had to join that, I don't really know how to entertain guys...'

Naruto's version of "Entertaining" was getting high on either sugar or alcohol, and everyone watching him do crazy antics.

'Yeah, there is one, I think,' Kiba said a-matter-a-factly.

'Can I join that one then?'

'...I don't think they'll let you. You'll have to stick with the girl club till you're done 'ya debt.'

Konohamaru was fishing under the counter for a jar.

'What are you doing?'

He finally found what he was looking for.

'Its a chairty box!'

'Its a _jar_.'

'Yeah, yea. People put your change in here, and all funds go to Nii-chan's debt.'

Kiba stared. 'You two are _brothers_?'

'He just calls me that,' said Naruto sheeplishly. He couldn't remember a time when Konohamaru didn't call him 'Nii-chan' or 'Brother'. (Technically they were the same thing).

Kiba sat there like a gaping dog. He considered for a moment, then shrugged.

'Okay... Well, good luck with the club.'

'Can I host you and you give me money?' Naruto used his _puppy-dog eye technique no justu_ to try and decieve Kiba into coming to the club. Konohamaru was currently writing on a sticker a '_Save Uzumaki Naruto foundation!' _to place on the jar, or 'charity box'.

Kiba sighed, rubbng the back of his head. 'I suppose... I sometimes come in anyway if I'm bored enough. I mean, they _are _lovely ladies.'

'The one with the funny haircut isn't.'

'You mean Karin?' Kiba nodded. 'I know what you mean, but the others are ok. Catcha later. I have to help my sister at the vet place.'

'Put MORE work into it!'

Karin placed a foot on Naruto's back. He was curretnly on all-fours, scrubbing the floor. His hands were covered in suds and his trousers (jeans, he refused to wear the uniform skirt) were soaking wet with warm soapy water.

'Why can't the _janitors _DO THIS?' Naruto barked back.

Karin blinked and stared at him curiously. 'The janitors can take a break from this room.'

Naruto let out a torrent of swear words that even Karin had never heard before. She then precedded to chasing Naruto around the school with a whip she borrowed from the Horse stables. She didn't hit him with it after all, she just wanted to see him scared and helpless for _breaking that china fox! _

'I didn't know Karin could run so fast,' said Hinata, who was streched out doing a bit of her homework before the boys came in. She chewed her pencil, trying to focus on her homework. It was so boring- I mean, her homework was about Drugs in Female sports. Stupid Gai.

'I didn't know she did exercise at all,' commented Temari. 'Karin looks more of a person that would just sit there.'

The other girls agreed.

In the end, Karin dragged Naruto into the girl's bathroom to change his jeans. He emerged from the cubicle, five minutes later wearing a skirt. He was red for the next ten minutes when the girls prepared for the boys to come in.

* * *

The door opened.

'Welcome,' the girls chorused, except Naruto who didn't know what to say.

Kiba popped his head past the door. 'Sup.'

_Its the mutt... _Karin thought, but she smiled and held out a hand. Kiba didn't take it (He didn't like Karin, she smelt off) and Kiba said in a rather light-tone, 'I know I'm usually with Hinata, but I heard Naruko Uzumaki has joined the club. Instead of Hinata, can Naruto host me today?'

'Thats alright, Kiba,' Hinata smiled. Kiba barely heard the last comment because he was too busy trying not to laugh at Naruto's skirt.

'Lovely cothes, you have on there, _Naruko_,' Kiba commented and both he and Naruto sat down on two chairs faaaaaaaaaaar away from the others.

'Shut up,' Naruto grumbled. Kiba jiggled his wallet.

'Uh-uh-uh.'

He fell silent.

He fidgeted with the tea he was supposed to give Kiba. The blonde looked helplessly over at the other hostesses.

'Um... How you do make tea?'

Kiba shrugged. 'Ask Hinata.'

'Which one is that?'

'1-A, the one with the pale eyes and dark long hair.'

'Oh,' Well, Naruto held the two china cups up. 'How about I find some lemonade and we drink that?'

'Good idea,' Kiba shrugged, and Naruto went to the mini-fridge in a small room off-side to the hostess club. It held tea-cups, food, costumes and everything that didn't need to be on display at this particular time. To his disappointment, _they did not have lemonade. _But he found orange juice, so he filled the cups to the brim, put the orange juice back in the fridge and went back to Kiba. When he past Karin, she turned swiftly around and demanded, 'What did you do?'

'I got us drinks.'

'Better not alcohol. Its not allowed on school campus.'

Naruto rolled his eyes. 'I do not have alcohol here. I just got juice.'

'You use _glasses _for juice, not tea-cups.'

'You know,' said Kiba sniffing his cup. 'Orange juice tastes funny in a teacup. You should check if the juice is out of date or not.'

'Oh crap,' Naruto put a hand to his forehead. 'I didn't bother to check.'

'Sasuke,' Karin turned back to the person she was hosting. 'How was your day today at school?'

'Lovely,' said Sasuke in a very monotinic tone. 'Can I have Sakura or someone else instead? I have to get you everyday.'

'Well, Sakura is with Lee at the moment.'

Sasuke rolled his eyes. 'What about the new girl?'

'Naruto? She's with Kiba.'

Funny how Kiba was always with Hinata. He narrowed his eyes. Something wasn't quite _right _about Naruto. Right now she and Kiba were spitting out orange juice onto the glass table because they checked the expiry date of the juice they just drank. It was out of date by 3 months.

He got up, Karin falling out of his lap, and walked over to the pair.

'Are you two alright?' Kiba and Naruto turned around to stare in the face of Uchiha Sasuke.

Sasuke, of class 2-A, was known throughout the school (Except Naruto) and he was just like Neji. Popular and all that and like Neji, _did not act like a prick _at all. They fell silent.

'Well?'

Kiba and Naruto had been gaping. Kiba was gaping because Sasuke Uchiha never _ever ever ever _said more than two words to anyone except those in his class and the hostess club. Naruto, on the other hand, didn't even know why he was gaping...

Naruto pinched himself to get back to normal. Sasuke cocked his head. 'You should buy new juice.'

'Yeah...' Naruto felt queezy. 'I don't feel right now.'

'You shouldn't get drink poisioning straight after you drank it,' Sasuke replied.

He turned on his heels and stalked back to Karin who welcomed him back with open arms.

'Who was that guy?' asked Naruto, ignoring the mess on the table for a minute.

'That would be Sasuke Uchiha. I feel sorry for him,' Kiba chuckled. 'He's always got Karin.'

'Are those two, like, going out or something?'

'Nope,' Kiba said. 'All I know is that Sasuke lost a bet with his brother- whose in that other host club-and he has to come here around like every two days.'

'I would rather die,' said Naruto stiffly, watching the two heads of Karin and Sasuke.

'I'd rather not. I mean, you look like a girl and you are _wearing _a skirt. What on earth am I meant to think? You are a cross-dresser?'

'Cross-dresser after school for two hours only,' said Naruto vageuly. 'What fun. Right now I would be playing soccer with Konohamaru or something.'

Kiba got out his wallet and gave him all the coins ('I need to get rid of my coins! I have too many!') and gave Naruto an eighty.

'Shit,' Naruto gaped at the money. 'Thank you!' He walked out to find his gama-chan purse and put the money in it. he would put it in a money jar when he got home. Kiba left, skipping. Naruto decided to now clean up the mess he and Kiba made. He put the teacups in the sink in the small side-room and got out the spray-and-wipe. He cleaned the table till it was nice and shiny.

He went to put the cleaning products away, and when he returned to his table and found himself face to face with Uchiha Sasuke. He had his hands proped up on the desk with a uncaring look. Or was he just trying to make himself look cool?

'Evening sir,' Naruto commented, 'So am I going to host you now?'

Sasuke shrugged. 'I just wanted to get away from Karin.'

'Good point,' Naruto chuckled and sat down. 'So... Well, I'm not good at this host thingy, so bear with me.'

'I'll do that.'

'Sorry, no tea or anything. I kinda feel sick from the juice.'

'I don't like juice.'

'Neither do I for a while. Tell me about yourself, Sasuke.'

'I don't remember telling you my name.'

'Kiba told me.'

Sasuke considered finding Kiba and decapitating him. He gave that thought away for a moment, 'Hn. I'm in 2-A.'

'You look older.'

'Why thank you,' Sasuke half said, half-glared at him. Naruto was now feeling akward and for some reason, he was thinking about his legs. He didn't have shaved legs. He would have to take some of Kushina's razors now. 'What year are you in?'

'I'm in 1-D.'

'Your father is a gang leader, right? Which gang?'

'Its kind-of a gang, but then again its also a business. Its the Nami-Kaze.'

'And his name is?'

'Minato Namikaze.'

'I've heard that name before...' Sasuke scratched his head. 'I think my father not on great terms with the Nami-Kaze.'

'Hes not on good terms with many fathers. He's in some foreign country at the moment. I haven't seen him for six months.'

'Thats quite a feat.'

'No, he goes away a lot sometimes.'

* * *

'Look at her,' Karin was glaring over her chair at Naruto and Sasuke. 'She's actually gotten Sasuke into a conversation.'

'That has been done before, you know,' Temari raised her eyebrows at Karin. Karin grumbled.

* * *

'...By the way,' Sasuke raised his eyebrows at Naruto, and lowered his voice, 'Are you _really _a girl?'

Naruto went red. 'Of course I'm not!' he hissed. 'I just got into this mess and have to act like a girl for a while!'

Sasuke was taken back. 'Are you being serious?'

'I am,' Naruto said grimly.

Sasuke was lost for words.

'But don't tell. Kiba knows and theres only you and Kiba who know at this school.'

'You were enrolled as a girl, wern't you?'

'They sent the enrollment form to my Dad. He wrote my name is 'Naruko'. I don't know why.'

'Must be his idea of a joke.'

'Be more like my mothers idea of a joke. I was expelled from my old school anyway. Its that other Konoha High school down the road.'

'You were enrolled at Konoha High School as a girl?'

'Well, this one, yes. The other one, No.'

'Why were you expelled?'

'That dosen't matter,' Naruto said hastily.

Sasuke stood up.

'Come on, lets go.'

'Eh!? Why!? Where?'

'To the school office, idiot.' Sasuke shot out and grabbed his wrist, then preceeded to dragging him to the door.

'Sasuke!' said Karin. 'Where are you going?'

Sasuke didn't bother answering as he shut the door. Sasuke let go of his wrist. Naruto rubbed it, he had such a grip.

'That hurt.'

'Why thank you.'

The went down two sets of stairs, when they stopped outside a door. They didn't go in it though. 'That,' said Sasuke, nodding towards a cream-coloured door, 'Is the host club. My brother is in it.'

'Do you like your brother?'

Sasuke stiffened. 'He is... alright. The hosts are mental, though. They sometimes come around for tea. There's one that has a _thing _going on with plants, and another is a religious freak.'

'Haha. Who'd enjoy that!?'

Sasuke shrugged. 'Not me. Here we are.'

Naruto had just realised they were walking down the hallway to a rather large open area. The lady at the reception smiled and asked them, 'Hello, do you need anything?'

'Yeah,' Sasuke bowed his head. 'We just need to look at Uzumaki Naruto's enrollment form. We think there is a mistake on there.'

She frowned. 'Hmm... I don't think those sorts of things are for students.'

'Please!' Naruto used his _puppy-dog-eye-technique-no-justu_.

'Fine,' she sighed.  
Sasuke smirked. _That was easy. _

'This is my first day here, and I think the folders are in this cabinet. She fished out her keys and unlocked the cabinet. 'Under 'U' right? How do you spell it?'

'U-z-u-m-a-k-i.'

'We have a Uzumaki Naruko here,' she handed the folder over. 'Put it back and lock it when you've finished.' She walked out back to her office.

'First day,' commented Sasuke. 'How obvious. The other teachers would never let us do something like this.'

Naruto wasn't listening, he was too busy reading his folder.

'I can't _fucking _believe this. Look at this: "_Uzumaki Naruto has had poblems with his old school, too much of a troublemaker. Due to the request of the headmaster, We, of Konoha High School, think its best if he is enrolled as a girl displayed at those stunts he pulled were particaulary aimed againest girls. All teachers will refer to him as a she and all the students will not be informed of his real gender. Last year he recieved 27 dentions and 12 suspensions..." _What the hell is this?' Naruto ruffled through the papers. There was a list of all the incidents he had made last term at the other Konoha High school. Sasuke looked over his shoulder, and read out loud, 'Flooded the hallway with red paint and said you were menstruating...' He raised an eyebrow. 'Thats not exactly the best idea in the world. You really are an idiot.'

Naruto put the folder back, fuming.

'You've been in a lot of trouble.'

'I have,' Naruto agreed. 'Its just a life though. Everyone has one, I just do it a little different to everyone else.'

Sasuke checked his watch. 'I better go, My family is going out for dinner tonight...' Naruto stuffed the folder back in the cabinet and locked it. 'Ooh... Heres some money.'

Naruto was joyful. 'Thanks so much!' and he left the key behind and dashed off back to the clubroom. Sasuke shrugged, and returned the key back to the lady in her office, he also walked back to the clubrooms as well, to fetch his school bag.

'I have 90 so far!' Naruto beamed at Karin. She looked at him uninterestedly.

'Well done. Now get back to work.'

'Theres no one around, they've gone home.'

'I guess you are right,' Karin finished collecting the teacups. 'You can wash. We're going home. We made quite a lot today, and I think we made more than the Akatsuki today.'

Naruto neither knew or cared what Akatsuki was, but he took the cups without complaint to the small side-room. It didn't take him very long, everyone had left a while ago and Karin was waiting for Naruto to finsh so she could lock up.

* * *

When Naruto got home that evening, he discovered that Kushina had been _shopping_.

That is, two new uniforms, female clothes, razors, new shampoo, soap, conditioner and Kushina had also brought _straighteners. _

To keep him from running away, she locked the doors in and out the kitchen, sat him on a chair and straightened his hair.

'Your hair is so greasy!' she complained, nearly burning Naruto's ear off. 'Don't you wash it!?'

'Yes,' Naruto lied. 'Why are you doing this?'

'I phoned the school up and found out that they put down as a female on purpose. Your father was notified, but he hasn't had time to contact you for a while. So me and Jiraiya went shopping today. You know that boys hair when straightened it looks so much longer?'

'No.'

'Well it does. Look! It nearly goes to your shoulders!' Even Kushina was surprised. Before, Naruto did have an inkling that it did go to his shoulders, but he didn't really care. After, she showed him how to shave his legs (And she made him do under his arms too) by then Naruto felt helpless. Even his own _mother _was egging on the fact that he would be a female for a while.

Or a year.

Maybe two or three.

Maybe forever! In his head Naruto howled in dismay.

Poor, poor, Naruto.


	2. Missing locks and dear cousin Madara

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

**Listening to:** Hanabi – Ikimono-Gakari

**Random Anime Qoute:**

"Ed will introduce Ed. Full name - Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the 4th. Ed made up that name for Ed, isn't it cool?" _- Ed (Cowboy Bebop__)_

**Unedited, M. Word won't WORKKKKKKK.**

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha, of class 2-A and had to go to the Konoha Hostess Club on a regularly basis as of a bet he had lost with Itachi, lived with his brother and their dear cousin Madara in a nice, normal home. Wherever his mother was- he had never known, where ever his father was- properly in another country doing business. Sasuke only saw his father about once a month, and all he did was _complain complain complain. _His brother Itachi and he got along alright, although Itachi seemed to go spastic every now and again from watching too much James Bond and Disney movies.

Dear cousin Madara was just as bad as Itachi, if not; worse- the hair especially was that of some J-rocker. But Sasuke could managed them both. Preferably Itachi was the most bearable, Madara seemed to switch personalities every 10 minutes, from pretending he didn't know who Sasuke was, acting drunk, acting like he was 5 (He called this his 'Tobi' stage) acting nice, acting like a real asshole and _could not cook to save his life. At all. _

And so Sasuke did the cooking. Itachi sucked, but had never actually _tried_ before. And Madara sucked. That would be it.

'Good morning, dear cousin,' Madara greeted Sasuke cheerfully at breakfast time, eating a piece of bread he had gotten out the pantry. If he put it in the toaster, it would be set on fire (Madara and technology did not mix, unless it was the TV) and Madara being the stupid pyromaniac he had always been, would prefer it if the house burnt down then not to watch something not catch on fire.

'Same to you, dear cousin.'

'Of course, dear cousin.'

'Am I the dear cousin or are you the dear cousin today?'

Sasuke considered while opening the newspaper. '...Both, dear cousin.'

'What about Itachi?'

'He would be your dear cousin number two.'

Madara frowned. '_No, _you are dear cousin number two! You're younger!'

'Madara, we have this talk _just about every morning! _Just shut up for once! Go watch _Sunrise!_' (1)

'Fine,' Madara sighed. 'You can be dear cousin number one then. But only for today, you hear! Now! Where is that Itachi…'

* * *

About an hour later, over at Konoha High School academy-

'HAHAHA! OH MY GOD, WHATCHA DO TO YOUR HAIR! HA-'

Naruto answered Kiba's question by kicking him in the manly parts. (_Good children, please don't try this at home_). Kiba fell on the lino-layed hallway, pretty much not being able to move for a minute. Grumbling, Kiba got up and gave a glare over to Naruto. It felt like something was drilling into his head.

'What did you kick me for?'

'Feel my pain of being a girl,' Naruto answered.

'What a lousy reply.'

'You asked for it.'

'No, you did.'

'How?'

'...By straightening your hair.'

He had a point there, y'know.

It was before school, before they had to nick off to their homeroom class. Naruto's homeroom teacher was some creepy weirdo named _Ebisu. _Naruto had seen him- and many of the male teachers all reading Jiraya's books. Pfft. How boring. He vaguly wondered if their was a female version of the _Icha Icha _novels.

Still, he considered that he would never read them.

While Naruto was hiding in a corner pretending to be a ninja on a super-secret mission, Kiba had been going around looking for him. His mind was just like Kushina's. Kiba had also been thinking of 'girling' Naruto up, but he wasn't too sure about the long skirt, undone bola tie and the eyeliner.

'You look like a yankee. And you smell funny.'

_'_Is that all you have to say or I'll kick your ass?'

Kiba smirked, and took out his wallet, jiggling fresh and shiny new coins. 'Or?'

'You win.'

'I do.'

This jiggling of wallets always made Naruto fall silent. It was like, his weakness. Then again, it was. Naruto was too busy thinking about this too even realize Kiba was petting his hair. More like grooming.

'Buzz off, Kiba!'

'Make me.'

'Stupid dog...'

'I know you are but what am I?'

'I'll steal your wallet and take the money,' Naruto threatned.

'You wouldn't dare, _Naruko_ Uzumaki of class 1-D.'

'I would!'

'Would not!'

A looming shadow crept up behind them both.

'Please, no offence, but _shut up, _YOU LITTLE MORONS!'

Kiba and Naruto nearly jumped out of their skins.

Kiba bowed his head hastily. 'Sorry sorry sorry!'

Madara glared at them both respectably. He was much taller than Naruto and Kiba themselves, and raised one eyebrow. In fact, you wouldn't even know if it was one eyebrow, it could be two, but you couldn't see the other side of his face. Itachi, being in the same year as his dear cousin was now wondering where Madara had trailed off to. He didn't trust Madara in the mornings.

No one every did.

'It's too early in the morning! Don't make a racket!'

'You're the one making a racket!' Naruto yelled back, flipping his hair out of his face. It was so _goddamn_ long.

'No I'm not,' Madara snapped back. _'You are_.'

'Stop making such pointless conversations then!'

'Madara, Naruto. Back off,' a cool voice enterupted them, both Naruto and Madara about to go at each other's throats. Sasuke Uchiha stood, hands on hips. 'Itachi's looking for you, _dear cousin_. Naruto...' His eyes trailed over Naruto's girly look. '...Nice hair.'

'...'

'And that, was Madara,' Kiba said to Naruto, nodding at the two upperclassmen as they both left. 'And Sasuke. Well, we know Sasuke.'

'Are those two brothers? They look like each other.'

'I'll warn you now... Madara's a little... odd...'

Kiba's words were drowned out when Madara ran back past, skipping.

'_And we're OFF to see the Wizard, Oh the wonderful wizard of oz...' _

Naruto's mouth dropped open.

'...You see?'

_'What the hell_!?' Naruto gawked, pointing at the door Madara had disappeared into. 'Is he a nutcase!?'

Kiba smirked. 'Don't know, don't care. Whoever he is... He really is a madman. I mean, someone printed out the Oompa Loompa song from _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory _and taped the lyrics all over the school. I bet it was Madara.'

* * *

Neji Hyuuga, of class 3-A, class president and known for... well, being a prick, twisted and turned his number combination locker and it opened. This was his third lock.

Madara had taken the rest. Madara was the only male student who was a complete crazy, spastic, eccentric _weirdo_ and all though Neji had really _no idea _who took his locks, he thought of course Madara would be behind it. Neji then preceded to take out his Biology book and his school diary when it closed with a _SLAM!_

'Hey...' Red-headed Sasori, of class 3-C, with half-lidded eyes, gazed at Neji, smirking. 'Seen Naruto Uzumaki lately? She's in the hostess club now isn't she?'

Neji nodded. 'Yeah, she is. What about her?'

'I'm just saying, she's done a complete makeover of herself!'

Neji looked at him. 'I haven't seen her yet.'

'Looks like a yankee,' Sasori commented. 'And hot. She should come past _our _host club sometime. Pity you aren't in it, Neji. We would make more profit...'

'I'm too busy for your host club,' Neji said truthfully. Really. He was. 'Oh,' and he added when Sasori turned away to his own locker, 'Tell _Madara _from me to stop stealing my locks, honestly.'

'I'll try,' Sasori's eyes glinted. 'Depending on which mode he's in today.'

'Then pass the message onto Itachi or his little brother.'

* * *

When the second day of hanging around the hostess club came, Naruto found himself _auctually engaging in a conversation _with the other hostesses. He got along well with the other girls, except Karin. And Sakura. He figured Sakura was the most hottest out of all the girls... but she wasn't exactly all that nice.

'Have you tried the new Gariner shampoo range, Naruto?' Tenten asked.

'...No,' Naruto didn't know what Gariner was. 'I use...' his mind thought rapidly to the one he used in the shower yesterday when Kushina dragged him in, clothes and all. 'Sunsilk.'

'Sunsilk makes hair all tangly,' commented Sakura. 'I can't stand it.'

'Neither can I,' Karin agreed. 'How on earth can you use such a product!?'

'It was just in the shower,' Naruto shrugged. '...Can we talk about anything else, please?'

'You can choose,' Temari said.

'...' Naruto scratched his head. _Something girly. Something girly. _Inner-Naruto was looking through non-existent teen magazines, looking for answers. 'Um... Yaoi?'

* * *

'Your eyeliner is smudged,' Kiba pointed out to Naruto at their usual table in the clubroom. Well, nearly usual. It had only been two days since Naruto started hosting Kiba and they had sat in the same seats. 'What happened?'

'Karin and the others got mad at me.'

'Eh!? Why!?'

Naruto grimaced. 'I told them to change the conversation, so I got to pick, and I couldn't think of anything to talk about, so I thought of something girls liked. So I said Yaoi.'

Kiba burst out laughing. '_Yaoi!?_'

'Yeah... but they took it as an offence and nearly killed me for it.' Naruto clenched his skirt. Karin had _nearly _kicked him where she should of have, and if she had made contact, Naruto would be on the ground in pain. Then they would take his skirt off...

And his pride as a guy would glow in front of 6 girls.

'Naruto,' Kiba stirred his tea. (Hinata had made tea for them). 'The Y-word and that other Y-word are prohibited here. Its just like saying,' Kiba lowered his voice to a bare minimum, '_Fuck, _but just as bad.'

'Whats the other Y-word?'

'Yuri.'

'Why are they bad?'

'Let's just say... this school is little homophobic... The only exception is you, of cours-'

Naruto responded by whacking Kiba across the head.

'Ow! At least it wasn't down there... you know... it still hurts from this morning...'

* * *

Meanwhile, the _other _host club were preparing for an outing tomorrow down town. Itachi had trapped Sasuke at lunchtime and told him to come to the clubrooms after school. Sasuke was now leaning against the wall. The other host club, or male version of the Konoha High School Academy Hostess club, also known as Akatsuki, had dubbed Sasuke for today… and tomorrow… and maybe the day after that... as 'Choreboy'. Why? He could _cook_.

_Lame, _Sasuke sighed and looked down at his watch. '...Can I go now?'

'No.' Itachi said.

'Now?'

'No.'

'Now?'

'No.'

'Now?'

'Sasuke, shut up or I'll eat you,' Zetsu glared at him. Sasuke fell silent. Zetsu wasn't the nicest guy on earth.

In the meeting, Sasuke was given a list of food he had to get from the shop, plus a recipe book, and when he, Madara, and Itachi got home they would clean the place up. The Akatsuki would come back after their outing to the Uchiha's place.

Akatsuki plus Uchiha House plus not-very-happy Sasuke equals fun for all, Madara told the others.

'By the way, Madara,' Sasori intercepted, 'Do you still Neji's locks? They keep disappearing and he isn't happy about it.'

Madara, being the crazy person, he always was, only chuckled in response.

* * *

**(1) Sunrise is a news program. I don't have the channel anymore it is on. It sucks. Oh well ABC ftw. **

**I was inspired by the Rocky Horror Picture Show for Madara and Itachi. Itamada is love. I'm high on ItaSasu fics at the moment. I never have been, though. I just avoided them like hairspray then I read one, and I'm like, 'OMG!' Oh, and that Oompa Loompa thing… I've done that before but I didn't tape them all around the school. I handed them out, haha. **


	3. Sasuke does not read JUMP!

-- Konoha Hostess Club -- 

**Listening to:** That Green Gentlemen - Panic! At the disco

**Random TV quote: **

_"You know, strictly speaking throttling the staff is my job." _(**Captain Jack Harkness) (Torchwood) **

**For chapter 401: UCHIHACESTUCHIHACESTUCHIHACEST... oops I just gave spoilers away**

**-- Chapter 3 -- **

**-- Sasuke does not read JUMP and will never do --**

* * *

Before Naruto had _even started _walking home that night (Or it felt like it...) His mother had drove past in her lovely orange car with some money and a shopping list. But Naruto wanted to get home as quickly as possible before anyone saw him wearing a female uniform... yet after a brief argument his mother, Naruto lost the war and wandered off to the nearest supermarket. Now, both his mother and had an obsession with the colour orange and ramen. The ramen they brought from the shop's brand colour was orange. Naruto's bedroom walls were orange (**A/N- mine too...**) ...the lounge room was orange. The cat was orange. The photoframes were orange. The front door was orange. Minato, on the other hand, _hated _that damn colour and should of never existed and HELL to all who love that colour. Except his family. And also the cat. So anyway, Naruto had entered a different shop to the one he usual went to... and so he wouldn't recognize anyone at the checkout and hopefully... his old school. PLEASE no one from Konoha High School! And so... to our amazement -  
He was just passing the cereal boxes... when he heard a giggle. The blonde's ears pricked up when someone talked- in another aisle. He moved the boxes silently and slowly so diagonose his worst fears.

Three people from his old school.

Not just any three people... these three were his closet friends besides Konohamaru and his gang. They were in his old class, helped him with pranks and were excellent conmen (Can you get conwomen?)... their names were Gintoki Sakata, Shinpachi Shimura and Kagura Yato. Shit... Naruto needed to hide.

He heard Gin mumbling on about the weather girl on TV, going down the aisle, so Naruto up, keeping his shopping basket shoulder-height so nothing would spill. He turned in between the 7th and 6th aisle, because if they went up the aisle, he could go to the next without them seeing him. Good plan, Naruto. Good plan.

He was too busy listening for the three of them, and they went up asile 6, so he ran to aisle 7-

_CRASH. _

Naruto was too busy trying to disappear that he had banged straight into a dark-tall haired figuire, their shopping baskets clanging to the floor, food spilling everywhere.

Sasuke Uchiha frowned, gave Naruto an annoying look and subsquenlty began to pick up his own items. Naruto was too busy staring. _So people who go to rich-ass schools do their own shopping!? _

'What are you staring at?'

'I didn't know people like you went to small little shops like this,' Naruto hastily bent down and grabbed his food. 'People that go to Konoha High School Academy prefer more expensive stores.'

He had a point, y'know. But 'more expensive' translated to, 'more fresh, better quantity and quality, and therefore you can put it on the shelf, forget about it, think about more important business'.

'They do.'

'So why are you here?'

Sasuke didn't even bother answering. To shorten such a story that Sasuke could not exactly be bothered telling. _That _required him to move his mouth a little more. It was in fact that Itachi and Madara had dropped off Sasuke at the supermarket he usually went to, to discover it was closed for renovations. And so, to conclude this abnormally long story that has no contribution to this plot whatsoever that Sasuke knew off... he went to the next store.

And that was closed.

The next was also not open. Why?

Police outside, questioning random people. Sasuke didn't want to be nosy and investigate. He'll just have to ask Fugaku that. _When _he got home. Which should be around next week? He'll have to call and see.

Next.

HURRAZZZAH! SHOP! OPEN!

'...'

Naruto was thinking. Hard.

'...Why have you got one raw and one cooked chook?'

'So?'

'Why?'

'...One for Zetsu, one for tonight. Its easier getting his now then tomorrow. I have to make din-'

'Who is Zetsu?'

'A person.'

_More like two. _

Sasuke will still annoyed at the fact he was choreboy for the next couple of days. Mysteriously or consequentially, the other Akatsuki had no siblings, which Sasuke was glad of. If there was tiny Hidans and huge Kisame-like monsters, Sasuke would have a heart attack. Well, almost.

'Hide me,' hissed Naruto, pushing himself between some cereal and Sasuke's back. Sasuke did not move.

'Why?' he hissed back.

'Because some people from my old school are here!' At once Sasuke parted and walked off, Naruto right behind him.

'Do your own shopping.' Sasuke readjusted his basket, and something caught him immediately.

'Eh? What's that?'

Sasuke saw in the corner of his eye, Naruto's hand had whipped out and taking something from his red shopping basket. Naruto's face cracked into a foxy grin.

'You read _Jump?_'

Sasuke snatched it back. 'I do not.'

'You _so_ do.'

'Shut up and leave me alone...'

But to Sasuke's dismay, Naruto did _not _leave him alone. He was nattering away, though careful that Kagura, Shinpachi and Gin might be around. Then again- if it was Katsura-sensei and Elizabeth that saw him... Naruto would melt into a puddle right there.

* * *

'I do not read Jump,' Sasuke repeated himself for the twelfth time.

'Yes you do.'

'Do not.'

'...If you don't read it, then why _buy _it?'

'...'

Sasuke, being about a half a foot taller, looked down and observed Naruto, who was reading with a concentrated look on his face a segment from _Katekyo Hitman Reborn! _which made Sasuke chuckle to himself. Naruto really did look like a girl. All he needed was hair clips.

'Watch'a laughing at?' demanded Naruto. Sasuke took the magazine from Naruto with prying fingers. 'That Reborn thing... I don't get it.'

'You have to read all the other chapters for it to make sense, idiot. Anyway...' he paused. 'I only brought it because Madara wants to read the latest chapter of _One Piece_. He usually reads it on the internet because it's free but our internets down. He pulled the plugs out of the computer and they won't go back in.'

'Call a technician.'

'Why?' Uchiha's are TOO stubborn to call in a lousy technician. '...Your friends are coming.'

Naruto ducked behind the boxes of fruit and vegetables, knocking down apples in the process.

'I heard Naruto's finally came out,' Kagura was saying to Gin. 'He likes men, after all..'

Naruto twitched.

His eyebrows quivered...

And then grabbed a green apple and stuffed it in his mouth, trying to refrain himself from screaming and getting hold of Kagura and throttling her. Sasuke stepped on his foot for an added effect. Naruto nearly screamed out, _'FUCK_!' but only managed, _'FRRRRRM!_' and Sasuke took this opportunity to rest his shopping basket on Naruto's head.

'...Wouldn't surprise me.' That was Gin.

'Always had it in him,' Shinpachi said, his hand zipping out in a flash and taking a grape, popping it into his mouth. 'Hmm... Free food.'

'We should start selling fruit... maybe the rent will go down...'

* * *

_'We do it in the dark, with smiles, on our faces...' _

Naruto felt into his pocket and took out his phone. 'Hello?'

'Meet me outside the school gates!'

'...Who is this?' Naruto asked politely.

'Karin.'

_How the hell did she get my number? _'I'm kind of busy at the moment. Try later.'

'Who cares? Get here in ten minutes!'

'I'm twenty minutes from school-'

'WELL RUN!' Naruto held the phone about a foot away from his ear.

'I'M SHOPPING!' Naruto yelled as equally loud back, causing many people to top and either glare or giggle.

'You have TWENTY minutes! If you aren't here by then, I will personally come over to your house and kill you and-'

She hung up.

'Sasuke,' Naruto pressed _end call, _put his phone back where it came from, put on his _puppy-dog-eyes-no-jutsu_ technique, and looked up at him. Sasuke and himself had just been through the checkout. 'I have a favour...'

'What?'

'Canyoutaketheseovertomyhouseplease?' he blurted out. Sasuke stared, raising one eyebrow...

'...?'

He took a deep breath. 'Can you take these to my house?' he held up four shopping bags.

_Are you sure he's a girl!? _Inner-Sasuke mused, and Sasuke accepted, getting hold of his street address. He now had eight bags to carry. But no worries... Sasuke could steal a shopping trolley and take it back to the store like a good little thief afterwards.

'Thankssomuch!' he waved and ran off.

'Wait-'

* * *

_'_If she's not here in 5 seconds... four... three... two...o-'

'NARUTO!' Sakura yelled out.

Naruto nearly slammed into the gates from running all the way to school. Sasuke had no idea where his house was, or the roads near to the street he lived on. In the end he called up Kushina (It took away all his mobile phone credit) and she drove out to collect Sasuke, leaving Naruto to run off.

* * *

'Who is your homeroom teacher, Sasuke?' Kushina poured some tea for Sasuke and Jiraiya, who was typing furiously on his laptop. He was going to break it one day. Seriously.

'Kakashi Hatake,' he answered. 'Reads _Icha Icha_.'

The white-haired pervert chuckled.

'They all do.'

* * *

Naruto noticed he was the only one in school uniform. The others were wearing girly material that properly cost a lot of money. They were all wearing formal dresses like they were going out for dinner or something.

'...So what am I doing here? I didn't come here for nothing.'

Karin's eyes sparkled in pride. 'Oh no... Of course not... We came here to take you out to a host club!'

Naruto merely gulped.

* * *

'CAN'T YOU READ, ASSHOLE?'

Hidan lost it at Itachi, nearly putting a finger through his circus ticket.

'THE CIRCUS IS TODAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MISSED THAT PART! '

'Itachi doesn't believe in glasses,' Madara butted in. 'Don't you, 'Tachi?'

'It starts in half an hour,' Sasori walked over to a wall and got his coat. 'We better leave. Now.'

'And Sasuke can get takeaway then for us when it's finished...' Itachi picked up his phone.

* * *

'I'm a natural! I don't need to go to a host club!' Naruto was wailing.

'Hurry up, my chauffer is waiting,' she took Naruto by the arm (he was trying to fade away into the distance) and dragged him away from the school, the other girls following, to a backstreet where quite a large- _sleek, sexy, _black long car parked peacefully by the footpath. A man in black sat at the front with grey hair and a Hitler-like moustache. Obviously Karin went to school in this everyday. Naruto knew a lot of people went to school in expensive cars (he usually either ran or took the train, but once or twice Kushina had driven him when he was very late) and couldn't help but drool over this AWESOME car. Karin whacked him on the side of the head to stop his daydreaming.

'Get in.'

'I want your car!' The girls (And boy) got into the car, shuffling about to make themselves comfy-a-ma-table. Karin gave him a cold glare, and then said to the man in front, 'You can drive now.'

'Where to, miss?'

'Suigetsu's workplace.'

'Of course.' The engine started up when Naruto put on his seatbelt. He looked at the girls, feeling very bare that he wasn't wearing a dress- wait... what did he just wonder?

_No, _Naruto squirmed and shook his head. _I am not female. Never will be. Never want to be! I'm 100 MAN, believe it!_

Hinata smiled at him, she was wearing a dark purple knee length dress. Temari was wearing golden, Tenten red, Sakura wore green, Karin was wearing black, Ino had a strapless blue dress on, and Naruto was wearing his school uniform. Such a difference, don't you reckon?

The car began to move, humming quietly as it went at an even pace down the roads and out of Konoha, to a nearby city.

'Change into this,' Karin took a shoe-sized box from Sakura. 'Its one of my old dresses. I'm paying for everyone and if you muck up this dress you are paying for it out of your own debt!'

_I'm not wearing it if she's worn it, _he distastefully held up the dress. But It was a nice black with glitter down the sides, wavy at the end. '...I don't have any shoes.'

'You'll be going barefoot then.' Naruto looked down at his trainers. They were nearly worn out. He didn't bother with swapping shoes for inside and outside for school... too much of a hassle. Really. 'Out of my own faith, I've decided to lend it to you. Wash it when we're done, give it back by next week. And before you ask, I rang your home phone first to see if you were there. Your mother answered, said you were shopping. So I asked about your dress size. She gave me the size, and don't worry, your secret is safe with us.' Karin pressed a finger to her lips.

* * *

'I haven't seen Kakashi in years, how is he?' Jiraiya asked. 'Has he pounced on Iruka yet?' He winked.

'...My english teacher?' Sasuke blinked. '...'

'Yeah, that one. They went to collage together. I thought they would be married by now!'

'... what?'

* * *

'...What... secret...?' Naruto felt something coil around his throat, pressing against his adam's apple. _Ohmygodtheyhavenotfoundout... _

'You are like Sakura. Late chest devolper,' Karin said in quite a normal tone, tapping her own bust. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief after nearly jumping so high his head nearly got the roof.

Sakura nearly lashed out at Karin. 'HEY!'

Naruto cracked a grin. 'Yeah, I've always been like that. Mum was, too,' he didn't know if it was true or not, though.

To pass time, the girls discussed America's next top model, which why it was aired here, and whatever the hell it was about, Naruto had no idea. They asked for Naruto's opnion on the models, Naruto just gave a confudled look at them and they turned away. Fifteen minutes later they arrived outside the host club, Karin forcing Naruto into nearby toilets (he refused to change in front of them) and he emerged pulling at the straps, his feet going over very cold concrete as they entered the bar.

Suigetsu was an acquaintance of Karin's (Ex-boyfriend, to be honest). Naruto could tell he was an asshole on the inside, he was dressed in a nice suit and was nice to them all. He took them to the signage board.

'Naruto, pick a guy.'

'...Can't we go to a girls?'

'Unlike you, we aren't lesbians. That's one onto 6,' Ino swished her hair back and forth. Suigetsu's eyes lingered on the hair for a moment, shrugged, and repeated what Karin said previously.

'Pick someone. Now, are you paying now, or later?'

'Now,' Karin handed over a lot of money. Suigetsu nodded, and pointed at the board again. Naruto looked at the guys. He was not interested in any of them... though one caught his eye. He looked a lot like Sasuke.

'You have picked Shisui Uchiha,' Suigetsu pressed the board, making his photo light up. 'Finished? Alright... Why did you pick me? Fine... So that's Shisui, me, Juugo, Kimmiaro, Kidomaru, Sora and Chiraku. Pick a place to sit... We should be around in about five minutes. Ciao.'

'...Who... in their right mind... picked... Suigetsu?' Karin nearly spat out those words.

Sakura shrugged. 'The photos looked photoshopped, it was hard to tell.'

* * *

Naruto felt dazy for the next half an hour. The hosts gave him tips and tricks on how to hostess men.

'Be kind, be very funny. Guys don't like girls without a sense of humour. Don't chat about make-up and shit like that. Find topic you both are interested in. Like... surfing. You like surfing?'

'No.'

'Yeah, well I don't either. Whenever you look at them, it's always in the eye. It'll make them kind of feel a little nervous at first...' (_Blah... Blah... Blah_)

'...'

In the end, Shisui had written down instructions, Naruto put them in his shoes he has been wearing previously. He could smell cigarette smoke in the air, and the red carpet was soft under his feet. Sheshi had noticed his barefootness and burst out laughing. The hosts were lovely people- really - and its their job to be all lovely and _noice _and refreshing and just... doing this for money, Naruto supposed.

Since they were underage, ever was drinking water instead.

'Y'know, I prefer havin' water... kinda because we drink everynight,' Shisui laughed, and wiped his mouth with a napkin. 'One time I got too drunk and I had to go to hospital the next day... Couldn't 'ost for month, y'know!'

The only time Naruto was drank was usually after school (...his old one) and wine at Christmas. Naruto will never admit he's been drunk before. Konohamaru swore he had, that still didn't explain the fact he had gotten a mysterious swirly tattoo on his stomach one night and couldn't remember receiving it. Sheshi placed his drink on a table. On his tag was _Shisui Uchiha_. 'You don't know Sasuke, his brother and cousin, don't you?'

Shisui nodded. 'Aye... cousins. Madara's a mental one. Itachi _was _my B.F.F till Madara came and took him and now they live together. Its like, _incest, _I say!'

'...Incest?'

'They live together, very close relationship.'

'That doesn't mean they are in a relationship...' Naruto felt odd. It was very weird having a conversation with Shisui about Itachi and Madara. He had never met Itachi before, and only Madara once. '...What about Sasuke?'

'What about him? He's just... like Itachi. Weird. The 'ole lot of 'em. Bloody Uchiha's. 'Cept me of course. Heh. Now I sound drunk and I've only had water, haven't I?'

'Kind of.'

Karin and Juugo went past, arm in arm. Juugo bumped into Shisui, hard.

'Aw! Juugo! Watch where you are going!'

Juugo turned towards him, alarmed. 'Shshi... I didn't see you there... Are you alright?'

'My finger...' Shisui whimpered. His eyes sparkled, teeth showling, proving he brushed with colgate. '...Kiss it better?'

'Certainly,' Juugo gently pressed his lips to Shisui's finger. This got quite a reaction from the other girls, who started to pay attention.

We WILL not go to watch happened next...

Except, Naruto threw up water, Sakura acted all flustery for the next ten minutes, and there is no such thing as JuugoxShisui. Believe it.

* * *

'Time to go,' Hinata prodded Naruto gently in the back, and Naruto turned away from his poker game (no money involved) he held with Suigetsu and Shisui. Shisui kissed Naruto on the hand, and all the hosts waved them off as they left.

'They were nice people,' Naruto said when they climbed back in the car.

'Suppose to be, its their job. What's the time?'

Tenten checked her phone. 'Its nearly 10. Whoa. I haven't even had dinner yet!'

'Ok. Drive,' Karin ordered the man in the front, and he went off immediately. 'Sakura,' she now shot at the pink-haired girl who was currently brushing her hair, 'Did Suigetsu get your number or something!?'

'He might have. Why?'

Karin's eyes flashed even more red then they ever should have ever been, and spat her words out like hissing fire, 'Don't. Call. Him. HE CHEATS.'

Sakura looked taken aback, then she glared with more brutality then gunfire, 'Of course he cheats. He's a HOST, its his JOB.'

'Guys, quit it,' Ino snatched the brush from Sakura and groomed her own hair. 'Who cares if he's taking Sakura? It's just like you with Sasuke, Karin.'

'Oh, PUR-LEASE,' Karin rolled her eyes. 'He's the hottest guy in SCHOOL and he comes over to be hosted by me, the hottest girl in school!'

Naruto did not think Karin was hot at all. This thought skimmed across the other girl's minds, as well, and chose to say nothing about the subject.

'Everyone thinks he's the hottest guy in school!' Tenten frowned. 'He's nothing compared to ITACHI!'

'Yeah, I agree BUT Itachi's always hanging around with Madara. That's not a good mix.'

Naruto started humming under his breath _The Wizard of Oz _song.

'Come on, Madara's cool...' Sakura said reassuringly. 'Except when he's... having a bad day,' she finished, trying to untwindle the words she had in her head about Madara switching from happy to _the world is against me I'm just going to go off and play with my Yu-gi-oh cards and kill anyone who wins with a knife and a paper fan... _

'Do you like Sasuke, Naruto?' Temari actually opened her mouth, she, Tenten and Hinata usually didn't talk all that much compared to a talkative Ino, a equally talkative Sakura and a snappy Karin.

'Hmm...' Naruto considered. What was Sasuke to him? Certainly helpful. A nice guy. Bit PMSy. If Naruto knew him better, they could possibly be friends... 'He's a nice guy. I was shopping with him today before you people dragged me across town.'

'You were shopping with him!?' Karin gushed at once. 'What did he get!? Whats his favourite food!? What's his-'

'He brought JUMP.'

There was a silence in the car.

'The great Sasuke Uchiha buys... _JUMP?_' Sakura had her mouth open. 'That's something... different. Unexpected.'

'Yeah,' Naruto didn't mention the fact that it was for Madara.

'Our new mission!' Karin said, suddenly heating up. 'Read every chapter of every story thats published in JUMP and our knowledge bases will expand! We will find each and every story and chapter and-'

Sakura responded by smacking Karin in the face. 'You sound like Lee and Gai-Sensei! Shut up!'

Even Naruto had giggled at this.

* * *

To his dismay, Karin dropped him off outside the school when everyone had gone home BECAUSE on the way to the school gates they went past the girl's streets. _WHAT A BITCH! _Naruto scowled to himself, picking up his phone. And what pissed him off even more was that he had no money to ring, and so called up a reversal number.

_'Your call cannot be connected. Mobile phones cannot connect to home phones at this time. Please try later.' _-Click. Dead. He tried Kushina's mobile. It had been turned off.

Thanks to that, Naruto nearly threw his phone away, but instead put his shoes on, his uniform tucked under his arm, and began walking. He spotted a phone booth- he had no money, He stopped outside a butcher shop, glancing in to see what the time was. Nearly eleven. Why hadn't Kushina even bothered to call him yet!? Naruto kicked at a stray cat and spotted a sign, illuminated by a streetlight:

_Uchiha Police Station_

Maybe they'll have a phone there! Naruto cheered at his awesomeness and went off down a street he had never been through and spotted the police station, along with the Uchiha crest and one police car.

_CLOSED_

What.

The.

FUCK!?

'CLOSED!' Naruto kicked again, this time at the police car. Which, he shouldn't have.

And so alarm went off.

Naruto bolted like a squirrel and RAN like he had never done in his life. Thanks to his Dad giving him tips on how to out run people and take 'shortcuts' he decided to use this tactic now, going through random alleys, backyards (nearly falling into a pool) streets, roads. Although Naruto had lived in Konoha for a while, he didn't go around this part of time. This part of town, or the 'snob estate' was home to people like Karin and Hyuugas. Those who went to Konoha High school Academy. He nearly tripped over a trash can but tripped over the banana peel that followed suite, falling quite epically into the cold ground. He also knew... it was bloody cold. His eyes adjusted to the darkness, no streetlight in sight.

His ears pricked up, he heard movement. Properly a homeless person.

'_Weasley is our king! He cannot save a single thing, he always lets the quaffle in-'_

'For the love of god. SHUT. UP.'

_'Shh_! Its too quiet! You'll wake everyone up!'

'Oh who cares? I wanted to ride the elephant! No, the tiger.'

'Madara, I hate you. Too much.'

'ORLY?'

'Stop using the internet for words for your vocabury!' Kakuzu snapped at him. 'Great. I'm stuck all alone with you... Is everyone else at your place?'

'We shouldn't of stopped at the bank, okay?' Madara... putting on a completely different one, he _whined_.

'Great...' Kakuzu rolled his eyes and caught sight of someone in a dress running towards them.

'Kuzu, look, look! its a little hooker.'

Naruto ran up, puffing slightly. The two upperclassmen looked down on him like he was an ant preparing to be squashed on. Madara stared at him curiously. '...Aren't you one of those host girls or something?'

'I'm...' he breathed, '...lost...'

'And?'

'I don't know how to get home. I set an alarm off in a police car.'

'Now we'll know who did it if anyone asks. So you want a ride home?' Kakuzu asked.

'Yeah.'

'Except we don't drive.'

Naruto's plan screamed _fail_! He could virtually hear Kiba cackling in his head. '...Um, do you know where I am?'

'Aburame Drive.'

That didn't mean anything to Naruto. He just watched them like a particularly boring television program. '... huh?'

'I'm guessing you are from... not here? Other side of town?' Kakuzu asked, somehow kindly.

'Yeah.'

'Ok,' Madara considered, eyeing the short dress (pervert) that Naruto wore and the weird choice of shoes he had on. 'Itachi can drive. I would, I'm older...'

'You would fail your driving test, quite simply. I'm sorry, Madara.' Kakuzu and Madara started walking again, this time Naruto was bobbling after them. 'But its the truth.'

Madara didn't bother replying to this, but smirked at Naruto and said, 'That's a nice dress you have on. Maybe I try it on- OWW!' Kakuzu kicked him in the shins.

Naruto looked at Kakuzu more closely. 'What's wrong with your face?'

'Hmm?' dark eyes met to blue. 'Tattoos.'

'I didn't know the school allowed things like that.'

'Well they allowed Zetsu,' Madara pointed out, turning a corner to reveal quite a large house with black gates. The three stopped, Madara fishing out his keys. 'Stupid 'Tachi... always locking things...' The gate opened, and the three entered the Uchiha residence.

* * *


	4. Dont have sex on TV You might fall off!

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB. Funanimation's releasing who's voicing who... around... May 30th. But its like... nearly Sunday.

**Random Qoute: **

"Have you seen a blonde kid with a stupid face who is around my age and a man with white hair?"

**-Sasuke Uchiha **

**-- Don't have sex on TV. You might fall off --**

* * *

The door opened before Naruto, Kakuzu and Madara even reached it. The mahogany doors swung open, not to reveal rose petals like they do in various animes, BUT to reveal the most sexist guy that has appeared in a manga, according to the author.

'_Tachiiiiii...' _Arms were opened wide.

_'Dara_!!' Arms as equally wide.

'Itachiiiiii...' Madara clasps his hands together, giving off Gai-Sensei vibes.

'Madaraaaaa...' Itachi gives off Rock Lee vibes.

'It-'

'Shut up,' Kakuzu kicked Madara in the shins. Itachi frowned, and his eyesight went a little down to reach a kid with blonde hair that looked like a girl but then again... looked like a boy. He figured it was a girl, because of the dress. She shuffled awkwardly, shoes undone. In her arms was a bundle of clothes; Konoha High School Academy's school uniform. (For females) . Itachi raised an eyebrow as he peered at her, frowning.

'...You brought a ...hooker. How much did you pay?'

'She's not a hooker. Goes to our school. Wants a ride home. You're the only one that can drive,' Kakuzu pointed out.

'Deidara can.'

'He's gotten his license taken away for doing 360s on the school campus.'

'Oh. ...How about Sasori?'

'... He was in the car _with _Deidara, so he isn't driving for a while either. So was Hidan. And I.'

'...'

Itachi stared into space, then said, 'Fine. But later.'

'...Can I borrow your phone first?' Naruto asked. 'I can't call anyone. Out of money on my phone.'

Itachi nodded. 'Come in.' And he stepped back to let the three enter the Uchiha residence.

Naruto took his shoes off and put his school uniform in a pile next to the door. Itachi closed it, picked up his red bull from a side table and they walked through to the main area. The lights were quite bright (They were those light bulbs that save heaps of energy. Also, if you smashed one, gas will come out and you will have to evacuate the house) Madara out in front, lightly skipping. He halted abruptly in the middle of a room with a high ceiling and chandelier, walked over to _yet _another side table, where a tennis ball lay, grabbed it and without warning, and threw it at the ceiling.

'SA_RRR_R_RRRRRS_SSGGGG_A_AAAYYY!' Madara bellowed at the ceiling. Naruto's eyes widen, was about to even _hide _behind Itachi when Madara picked up the ball again and repeated his actions. 'SASUKE! IF YOU DON'T COME DOWN _RIGHT _NOW I'LL KILL YOU AND FEED YOU TO THE BIRDS-'

'We don't have birds.'

'Shut up! SAAAA-'

'You wanted me?' Sasuke asked coldly, coming out from a door at their left. 'You do realize I wasn't in my room.'

'You are cooped up a lot of the time there,' Madara said curtly.

'Homework.'

'Yeah, whatever. Anyway...' He took a deep breath. '_JUMPJUMPJUMPJUMPJUMP-' _He started to chant.

_'_On the kitchen table. And don't ever call me Sarsgay again,' Sasuke (Sasuke and Sarsgay sound the same, don't you think so?) stopped briefly when he spotted Naruto looking alarm at the sight of them. Sasuke was surprised. '...Naruto... What are you doing here?'

'Lost, the poor little thing. I thought Madara had found a prostitute,' Itach supplied his answer.

_Naruto Uzumaki, a prostitute? _. Naruto glared a million evil daggers at half-blind man that looked like Sasuke. Itachi skimmed over said glare, watching Madara race off, into the kitchen. 'Where are the others?' Madara called from the kitchen, opening up to _Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, _and sitting down on the dinner table (which was only used when Fugaku was home).

'Family room, watching fire burn.'

Even though Madara _really _**really **really _**really**_ wanted to go the family room and watch fire burn, his heart stayed with_ Reborn! One Piece! Bleach! Eyesheild 21! Many many more manga! _And so, resulted in him having an argument with himself. Itachi, Sasuke, Kakuzu and Naruto left the idiot to his own devices. 'Yeah, I'll drive you home later. Sasuke, can... what's your name again?'

'Naruto.'

'Can Naruto use your phone?'

Sasuke shrugged, leading Naruto upstairs. Naruto was gaping the whole way. _What a fucking massive house. _Bloody HUGE. Bigger than his. This mansion was at LEAST 3 stories high. Then again, it was expected if you went to Konoha High School Academy.

'Why so many rooms?' Naruto asked. Sasuke shrugged again, when they both heard a giggle from around the corner.

Then another.

And then something that sounded like a _moan. _

'Its the reason why I was downstairs,' Sasuke said hastily, opening a random door and pushing the blonde inside, feeling around for the light. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

'...Why are we in a bathroom?' Sasuke opened yet another door by the bathtub, entering a dimly light room, obviously Sasuke's. Quite bare, in fact. A few photoframes around the shelves, queen sized bed with black silk _sheets _(Naruto had always wanted silk sheets. But they had to be _orange or else_) a nerdy desk with random bits of pieces and a still-in-pakcaging, brand, spanking new laptop.

'You are _totally _loaded!' Naruto gushed, jumping on the bed without permission. Sasuke sat on a chair instead, handing Naruto his phone. Naruto put in home number-

_Ring ring. Ring ring. _

'Mum, its me,' Naruto said, flopping down on his stomach. 'Yes... I'm fine...' Sasuke heard angry screaming in the background. 'I'm over at Sasuke's... won't be back for a while. yeah... I got lost and shit. Found myself here. They thought I was a hooker...' Sasuke smirked at this and he heard laughter from the other side of the line, Naruto paused for a minute, then said goodbye, handing the phone back. 'She was watching one of those game shows where you ring up and get money.'

'Those things are scams,' Sasuke commented, swinging on his chair around and around. (It was a computer chair). 'Madara auctually got onto one of them once. He was too busy cheering on that he could hear his voice on television 7 seconds after speaking that he was hung up upon.'

Naruto burst out laughing. 'That's funny! Madara, he's a little weird...'

'Totally idiotic,' Sasuke said. 'You know...' he gestured at Naruto's dress. 'You can borrow something fit for a male, you know.'

Naruto's eyes brightened up when Sasuke fished through his wardrobe (another one of the three doors that he had in his room) and handed him a blue t-shirt and shorts. Sasuke looked away politely when he got undressed, but couldn't help earning a peak when he was only in his underwear. JUST to prove the guy was... well, a guy. And he was. After all.

'Thank you,' Naruto folded the dress on the bed. 'The dress is Karin's.'

Sasuke twitched.

Naruto prodded the material. 'She's not the nicest person in the world, y'know.'

'Who didn't know that?'

'Don't you go to her every time you come around?'

Sasuke shrugged. 'I have to go. I lost a bet, and now I have to repay till... the start of next year, I think it was. She always clings to me like glad-wrap.'

'Lovely.'

'Hn. Not really.'

'Well why don't you get hosted by someone else?'

Sasuke looked at Naruto straight in the eyes. 'How about you, then? I'll pay you more than what I usually give Karin.'

'But... I'm...'

'A guy?'

Naruto looked away as he nodded. His smile had faded, gripping the sheets. 'This is a fucked up world. Right now I would be scheming up things, not worrying about this sort of shit. What will the entire student body think when Naruto Uzumaki is a guy? LAUGH.'

'How many at school know you are a guy?'

'You. And Kiba.' Naruto said bitterly, flipping his hair out of his eyes. 'My mother and Jiraiya thinks its all just a joke.'

Sasuke turned to his desk and picked up a pen, skimming through his chemistry textbook. 'Just be yourself or something. I don't know.'

Naruto hasn't tried that yet.

'Maybe I will...' Naruto imaginaged being in detention for the rest of the school year. Depressing. 'Its just... really... annoying... hey, are you even LISTENING?'

'Mm?' Sasuke turned around. 'Yeah. somehow. I have to do my homework now. Go do something else.'

Naruto looked around the room for a moment. 'You don't have that much stuff. don't you get Christmas presents?'

'...somehow,' Sasuke vividly recalled a memory of Madara giving him dog food last Christmas. Asshole.

'Birthday?'

'Most people do,' Sasuke was trying to think what was the chemical formulae for potassium nitrate was. But his mind was being blocked by a certain smartass blonde who was jabbering away. 'When I don't need them anymore, I put away.'

'Forever?'

'Forever.'

Naruto was silent again.

After a while, the blonde found out that Sasuke was into video games. They had conversation about the new Grand Theft Auto game. Sasuke sometimes played with Madara's wii when he wasn't at home. Sasuke usually didn't go in Madara's room. Usually him and Itachi slept in the same bed and he didn't like that scenario at all.

Then Naruto said, quite innocently, and it nearly made Sasuke fall of his chair. 'Have you gotten laid yet?'

'... And why are you asking this?' he tapped his pencil trying not to show his frustration.

'I don't know. You don't look like the type who would have relationships.'

'Hn. Neither do you. Why ask such a personal question?'

Seriously, Naruto's never had a girlfriend before.

Naruto scratched his whiskers. 'Lots of people talk about it. But at the Academy they don't. They talk about prissy things and baseball.'

There was a knock on the door.

'You two better not be making out,' Madara's voice came in through the door sneakily. Naruto and Sasuke both went red, and Sasuke walked over, threw the door open and kicked Madara. He whimpered. Madara had been kicked twice within a space of half an hour. Cursing under his breath, he mentioned for Sasuke and Naruto to come. Both walked out the door, and down the stairs.

'Where are we going?'

'Have you two had dinner yet?' Madara asked, eyes briefly looking at Naruto's clothing. '...When did you change gender?'

Sasuke rolled his eyes. 'Wow. You aren't as stupid as you look.'

'I'll take that as a fact, thanks,' Madara answered coolly, 'Well, we have chicken. I broke the oven, so we can't cook the raw one.'

'That was for Zetsu.'

'Yeah, but he isn't here. Only me,' Madara started counting off by his fingers, 'You, blondie -' (referring to Naruto) 'Itachi, Kakuzu, Hidan, Dei, Sasori, and Kisame went home to feed his fish. He lives in an aquarium, you know.'

'Really?' Naruto clinged to Sasuke's arm like a little school-girl.

'How should I know?' The three entered the kitchen. 'Ooh! Would you look at that! Chicken's been eaten! You didn't leave any for _me_? The GREAT Madara Uchiha?'

'You are not great at all. You're just an asshole,' Hidan licked some chicken bones. 'Who's the shorty?'

Naruto was going to karate-CHOP this grey-haired weirdo till he went to Pluto.

'I was thinking of dying my hair orange,' Madara said, pretending he didn't hear Hidan. 'I'll be a ginger ninja.'

'...Only because ginger and ninja rhyme?' Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Sasuke was not amused.

Madara looked at him thoughtfully. 'Yeah. Pretty much. Naruto, do you think I would look good with orange hair?'

'No.' Naruto said shortly. Madara shrugged anyway. As if he would listen to little boys... or girls...

'Are you a boy or girl?'

'...' Naruto saw Sasuke shake his head. If Madara knew... that's ten times as bad as the student boy knowing.. 'Girl.'

'I didn't know you had a girlfriend!' Madara said, shocked, turning to Sasuke.

'She's not my girlfriend, asshole!'

'You were with her in your room before. Are you sure you heard me co-'

Sasuke stormed out, and into the kitchen. He went through the cupboards, drawers, then the fridge. He forgot about the fridge, and pulled out... a chocolate cake. _A chocolate cake. _At A TIME LIKE THIS, Sasuke pulls out CHOCOLATE CAKE!?

What the hell was he thinking?

Anyway, so Sasuke got out a shiny knife, and walked back to the others. As soon as Sasuke had been out of sight, Itachi had been telling Naruto all about Sasuke when he was a child. Yet Naruto hadn't known him for that long. Sasuke threw the knife at Itachi, who ducked and got Hidan instead.

'Hidan!'

'God... fucking... damnit...' Hidan growled, pulling the knife out of his shoulder.

'Are you hurt!?' Naruto exclaimed. Hidan shrugged, and told him it was just a scratch.

"Just a scratch" more like "5cm cut, asshole!" **--Hidan language translated using Babelfish. **

'I like cake,' a blonde teen with a ponytail on the top of his head said.

'So do I,' Naruto gave him a piece.

'Thanks, un,' the other blonde thanked him. 'I'm Deidara, by the way, un.'

'Naruto.'

'Yeah, I already know. The guy next to me is Sasori.'

A red-head with a deep cut around his neck bowed his head.

'He doesn't say much,' commented Deidara. 'He's more of a puppet. Brilliant ventriloquist.'

'Aye,' Sasori said. Then, without barely movement from his mouth, he then muttered, 'Hidan should stop chasing Sasuke around.' If Naruto didn't know that he was a ventriloquist, he would of looked around for the voice.

'You're good,' Naruto grinned.

* * *

After a game of cards (Tobi won; or was it Madara? Madara just called himself that for the rest of the evening) Itachi took Naruto home. They both got lost on the way- thanks to graffiti on the roadsigns (Naruto _so did not _write _'fishcake ftw'_ on the sign advertising a new car; believe it. He didn't) Sasuke had come along; why? Naruto didn't know. Not like he need to.

'You're a nice kid, Naruto. At least Sasuke has friends now,' commented Itachi, sticking his head out the window when Naruto was finally home.

'I have friends,' if Naruto could see in the dark he was betting that Sasuke was pouting.

'Yeah. Sai. Who else?'

'...Shikamaru. Chouji.'

Itachi snorted, waved Naruto goodbye and both the Uchiha brothers were gone.

* * *

Kushina had fallen asleep in front of the television which was why the reason Naruto came home to see two women very much in love, in bed... you get the point. Naruto woke her up, and she nearly screamed with horror when she saw what was on TV.

'Naruto, a word in life,' she yawned. rubbing her eyes. 'Don't EVER, and I mean, EVER, have sex on TV. You might fall off.'

Naruto was too tired to get the joke. She got up and they both went into the kitchen. 'That Sasuke kid is a nice person,' Kushina commented, handing him hot water (she forgot to add the teabags). Naruto was bloody freezing, hands were shaking like a hummingbird's heartbeat. 'Couldn't believe his father is the one and only Fugaku Uchiha. I didn't even know him and my Minato lived in the same town!'

'Who?'

'Fugaku Uchiha. Not on great terms with the Nami-Kaze. Very amusing, that's my opinion. Well, a couple of years back, there was an auction for a painting done by some Uchiha. Minato didn't want the painting, but knew the Uchiha's did. So he attended the auction. Painting started at 12 thousand. Minato and Fugaku kept bidding. At around 50 million, Minato stopped bidding. It cost the Uchiha's so much money. Minato wasn't interested in the painting. It was hilarious though. Fugaku had no money left.'

'That wasn't really nice.'

'Hmm? what was that?' Kushina peered at Naruto with a quizzial look on her face. 'You would of found it funny. It was a great joke!'

Naruto frowned. 'Its a lot of money...'

'Whats got your knickers in a knot? You got your humour from me and your father combined...'

'I'm just tired,' Naruto put down the cup of water, screwing his eyes up. They went all foggy with sleeplyness. '...I'll wash these later.' He pointed a vague finger at Sasuke's clothes.

'They can go in the next load. I was going to put it on at 7... ah, I can do it now... Look, its nearly 1 in the morning. Do you have school tommorw?'

'You mean today...'

'Its Friday.'

'Well get to bed then. Fridays are good for you. Night.'

'You mean morning...'

* * *

Naruto went to find Sasuke that morning, at recess. He was tired. Sasuke didn't show any hints that he was tired. How annoying. Naruto found out that Itachi was not at school, as he wanted to thank him as well. What the hell as his excuse? _'I have the 12 hour bug_.'

12 hour bug translates to - _'I was drinking _(red bull) _and now I'm hungover_.'

'Troublesome,' a boy with a pineapple ponytail went passed right at that moment. He eyed the two with the clothes both, and bumped into someone, hard.

'Watch it, lazy,' Neji Hyuuga picked up his books. White eyes scanned him. 'Your hair is-'

'You are not mother,' Shikamaru rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over. 'You look like a _girl _with your ponytail.'

Naruto chose that moment to squeak, hand going to his mouth almost instantly. Sasuke smirked. He knew Naruto would react like that. Neji looked at the both. Actually, more like _through them. _Those eyes were damn freaky. Naruto shivered. Neji saw the shiver and said curiously, 'You aren't Uzumaki, are you?'

'I am. Why?'

'...You look... different.'

Sasuke smirked again, noticing the change in Neji's attitude. Bright blue eyes blinked or-so downwards, bright blonde hair straight. White eyes widen-

'Are you _blushing, _Hyuuga?' Sasuke interrupted the one-liner description of Neji and Naruto. Neji flounced away, forgetting one of his books.

Sasuke picked it up. 'School diary.'

'I hate those things.'

'So do I,' Sasuke looked at the first page. 'It isn't his. It says Hinata Hyuuga.'

'She's in the hostess club!' Naruto said, taking the diary from Sasuke. 'Lets give it back to her!'

'_Naruto! My mannnn!_' A voice made Naruto jump, and he scowled when an arm went around his wait. 'Sasuke! My... erm...'

'Man?'

'Yeah! My man!' Kiba winked, giving a peace sign. He was wearing a green hair clip in his hair. Must be trendy these days.

'Is Hinata in your class?' Naruto showed him the diary.

'Yeah. She should be on those tennis court thats next to the library that no one uses.'

'Thanks,' Naruto wriggled out of Kiba's strong grip and went off the green oval and onto ashfelt. Sasuke shrugged, put the clothes in his bag and slouched off. Kiba, on the other hand, joined Naruto for a heavenly stroll across the school, past the hot girls, the hot guys (Kiba's _straight, thanks_. The only exception is Naruto, of course, wearing a female uniform but Kiba only saw him as cute) the Nerds (Library wasn't open at recess; therefore played marbles or Yu-gi-oh cards on mats on lunch tables) and all those other random stereotypical people you'll find at any school. The two boys walked up the steps and walked past the high fence, into the tennis courts.

Hinata was sitting alone with a book in her hand. Her white eyes- so very much like Neji's- saw Naruto and Kiba coming even though she was reading and had earphones on, music coming from her mp3 player. Then the two saw, in the corner of the courts, four other girls whispering excitably to one another, glancing over at Hinata every so often.

'Why are you not with them?' Kiba asked. Hinata took out her earphones.

'Huh?'

'Why are you not with them?' Kiba repeated, a little louder.

'Ooh...' Hinata's white eyes trailed over to the girls, who turned away. '...They just left. They do it everyday.'

'Do you know what they talk about?' asked Naruto, sitting down next to her. Kiba followed suit.

'Sometimes in class I hear them talking about their internet boyfriends and ...girl's business,' she glanced at Naruto before shyly turning away. 'Every day they do it.'

'Do they ever talk to you?'

'...sometimes,' Hinata whispered with disappointment in her voice.

Naruto's heart just dropped, and picking up his broken heart, he said, 'Well those girls aren't very nice then. Why don't you hand around the hostess club then?'

'We don't hang around each other at recess and lunch,' Hinata closed her book and prepared to turn her mp3 off. 'We have other... friends, you know.'

_Karin has friends? _Naruto mused.

'What are you listening to?' Kiba was nearly drooling over her music player. It was so black, so slim and so sexy!

'Path To you all,' Hinata turned it off. 'My favourite song.' Naruto grinned.

'Funny. Thats mine, too.'

'I didn't think anyone knew about it. Its such a beautiful song. Especially the violin version.'

Naruto agreed. 'Aren't you sad about those girls?'

'Pur-lease,' Kiba rolled his eyes. 'Internet boyfriends?'

'I don't really see anything wrong with that,' Hinata frowned. Then she reconsidered. 'Ooh... Never mind. I know what you are on about now.'

Kiba nodded. 'My sister had one. Had sex-'

'We didn't need to know that-'

'I was in the other room at the time-'

'Didn't need to hear that either,' Naruto added.

Hinata giggled. 'You're funny, Naruto. You're a nice person despite what everyone else says.'

'You should of seen me last year,' Naruto had a dreamy look on his face. 'Flooded red paint in the hallway and-'

'Don't say it,' Kiba warned. He knew of this foolish protest about this male and female distrupe which idiot here got exspelled for it. 'Oh, and here, Hinata. Naruto had your school diary.' He shook the diary from Naruto's hands and gave it too her. Hinata was overjoyed.

'I've been looking for it everywhere! Where did you find it!?'

'Neji Hyuuga had it and he dropped it and ran away, for some reason,' Naruto scratched his noise. 'Look, Hinata. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but if those girls don't talk to you much, why hang around?'

'I don't know,' Hinata put the diary in her bag. It was a nice schoolbag, a pale shade of blue with a badge on it that said, _If I look confused it means I'm thinking. _It was a very un-Hinata-like statement. It was more of a Naruto statement, if you ask anyone that knew him. 'I've known them forever. Now its high school... they got more mature, I suppose.'

'"Grown up"?' Kiba said, raising an eyebrow over at the girls. 'I think you are the one more grown up then them, Hinata. Friends just... seperate over time.'

'Like you and Shino?' she asked intrestedly. She remembered them both in primary school.

'I still don't like bugs, but we are making up...' Kiba tapped his fingers on the cement. '...slowly.'

'Look, Hinata,' Naruto put on a serious tone. 'No offense or anything, but if these girls do this sort of stuff, its best finding other friends. Lets be friends?'

Hinata started at Naruto's all-too-serious face. She cringed. 'Excuse me?'

Naruto's face went from friendlyish-serious to shocko-horror. 'Huh?'

Kiba rolled his eyes. 'Lets-be-friends? Don't you get it?'

'No.'

'Say it fast...'

'Lesberans.'

'Yeah. Thats what I'm talking about. The only lesbian here is you, Naruto.'

'I'm no queer! How many more people do I have to tell!?'

Kiba chuckled. 'Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I noticed you and Sasuke were together before-'

'I just had to give him something!'

'Can you get male lesbi-'

'No.'

'ans?'

'Stop it both of you!' Hinata placed a hand in front of them. Kiba managed to crack a smile.

'I'm joking, Naruto. I apologize for being mean.'

'Apology not accepted,' Naruto snapped. 'Wait till I finish my debt and I'll KILL YOU!'

_INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG _

'Thats the bell,' Kiba and Naruto got up. Hinata zipped her schoolbag and slowly rose to her feet. The other girls came back, still giggling. They eyed Kiba up and down, and one with a ponytail went up to him, quite closly.

'Aren't you Kiba of 1B?' She licked her lips, gazing into Kiba's eyes.

'Yeah, he is,' Naruto said, flipping his hair of his face. 'But he's intrested in Hinata. Not you guys. You girls should be ashamed, you know. I'm Hinata's friend now, a better friend then you girls will be!' And he took Hinata by the arm, (and Kiba by the scruff of his collar) and stalked back to class, leaving the girls -pretty pissed off, and angry.

'That little bitch,' one murmured, and they watched the three disappear, to go to the next lessons.

* * *

**A/N: I'm not trying to offend those who have/had/got a online relationship- I just know the dangers of having one. I know someone who has had one- ended up calling the police. And I'm serious. I'm kinda considered a weirdo by my friends... for not having an internet relationship. Just... no. **

**Yeah... Michi (Path) to you all... well, its my favroutie song. It was one of the Naruto Shippuden endings. Oh and REVIEW. Its nice getting about 45 alerts after one chapter is posted (gmail notifier ftw) but I only get like... 4 reviews. So review, pretty please!!  
**


	5. Cheating in cross country runs

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

**Listening to: Heavenly Star by the Genki Rockets**

Random quote-

**-My hovercraft is full of eels. -Monty Python**

--**Cheating in cross country runs is not accepted-- **

Yeah, implied NaruHina... Its** not **going to be Naruhina overall. Naruto needs a lady friend that he can keep his secret with.

* * *

_1:19PM, School assembly. _Special announcement.

Tomorrow, Friday.

The annual school cross country run.

A groan from everyone was heard, and Tsunade threatened to increase their workload if they didn't compel.

_How lovely... _

Naruto slapped himself for thinking otherwise.

No. The run would be a track would be around the school oval once, behind the school, up hill behind said school, out through a trail that was quite long therefore impossible to cheat around, back down hill and one more lap around the oval.

9 _FUCKING_ KILOMETRES.

At least it got everyone out of school for the day. NOT. So- the groups went as follows- Boys did the run in the afternoon, girls in the morning.

Damn weatherman also predicted RAINNNNNN. RAINRAINRAINRAINRAIN. NONONONO.  
Wait. It was raining right now.

* * *

'I hate cross country,' Kiba remarked, flicking through a car magazine he had brought with him. Naruto was serving tea. "'Cause its impossible to short-cut anywhere.'

_CRASH. _

'...' Naruto was speechless. Then, after at least a minute, he yelled out, 'WHAT!!'

The clubroom went completely silent.

'...Are you SERIOUS?'

'Yes, b-'

'I'M DOOMED! I CAN'T RUN 10 KMS!'

'Then walk.'

'AND-'

'Its 9, by the way.'

'Eh?'

'...' Kiba gave him a blank stare. 'It's just a run.'

'_Just... just... a RUN!?_' Naruto clutched his heart dramatically. 'Kiba. The overall POINT of a cross country run is to _cheat_.'

'Nope.' Kiba drank his tea.

'...' Naruto tried to answer back, but yelped. His phone was on vibrate, and it was currently going off in his pocket. He turned his back away from everyone else and flipped open his phone.

_'Wnt b home til wed. Hv 2 see minato in iwa. keys r in flowerpot nxt 2 kyuubis fennel. dnt let the cat out'_. -Kushina.

'Just great,' Naruto mumbled, putting his phone back in his pocket. 'Mum won't be home till Wednesday.'

'When did she leave?' Kiba asked, setting his teacup down.

'This morning. Iwa isn't really that far away, she had said should be back by tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow's Friday, isn't it?'

'Yeah. But won't be home till now till Wednesday. Have you ever been to Iwa before, Kiba?'

'Yeah,' Kiba's mouth was full of biscuit. 'Weird place. Sport-obsessed freaks.'

Sounds interesting. Not.

'Would you like some more food, Naruto and Kiba?' Hinata had come past with an assortment of food.

'I thought that was my job, handing everything out,' Naruto flashed her a sweet smile. 'Thanks, Hinata.'

If it was possible- Hinata blushed darkly. 'Ah- You're welcome,' and she turned away swiftly, before turning back- 'oh, it is possible to cheat in a cross country run...'

Kiba was surprised that Hinata could say such a thing. 'Really!? How!?'

'The girls track is little different to the boys. Cut across the park near the trail we run on. It saves about 500 metres.'

'Wow!' Naruto gushed, impressed at such a_n_ _awesome _thing. He clapped his hands together. 'Your a life savior!'

'Its only 500 metres,' Kiba grumbled.

* * *

That night, Hinata was all alone in the clubroom. Naruto had gone home with Sasuke for dinner. Slowly, she put each glass in their place, in that small side-room beside the clubroom. She didn't feel very well. But all she could think of was NARUTO NARUTO NARUTO.

THe girl who broke a china fox. The girl who wasn't that pretty anyway. The girl that acted like a guy. The girl that liked girls. The girl that just maybe...

Was a _guy_?

Yeah, with that yankee look about her. Managed to steal Sasuke from Karin and Kiba from Hinata. How did she do it? Hinata wasn't jealous. She was just confused.

She dropped the panda patterned tea towel she was holding.

* * *

_'...Mum won't be home till Wednesday...' Naruto had shifted uncomfortably. 'So I was wondering if I could have tea at your place tonight...?' _

_Sasuke considered for a moment. 'Ok.'_

_'You mean it!?' Naruto grabbed him by the arm. 'Thanks! I don't really know how to cook, you know...' _

_'You can help me then.'_

_'Huh? So you do the cooking?' Naruto had asked. 'You don't look like a cooking person.'_

_'Madara and Itachi can't cook. I either make dinner, we order takeaway or go out for dinner. I don't feel like making dinner, to tell the truth.' Sasuke patted Naruto on the head. 'We can get pizza.' _

* * *

So Sasuke had gotten pizza. Pizza with just cheese and bacon bits. He could put the other toppings on later in case Madara wanted something else on. Itachi didn't really care what toppings they got anyway.

'We're home!' Sasuke called in the hallway. He stopped briefly. It was the first time he had ever said that before. He and Naruto both went to the kitchen and put the pizza down. There was yelling upstairs. Sasuke sighed, went into the main room and picked up the oh-so-familiar tennis ball, throwing it at the ceiling. 'OI! DINNER!'

The rabble stopped, and footsteps were heard, going down the stairs. Madara and Itachi were both looking pissed, not even saying a nice hello to Naruto as they both went past and sat down on the rarely used chairs around the dinner table.

'You two been fighting again?' Sasuke picked up his own slice.

'...' Itachi refused to say anything.

Madara, on the other hand, glowered at him.

'...Well?'

'Him!' Madara yelled, pointing at Itachi. 'He's just pissing me off!'

'Why?' asked Naruto.

'Cause I want to be seme for once!'

'You suck being seme.' Itachi answered back, in a polite voice that dripped venom. Madara glared at him, walking over to the pantry and taking out tomato sauce.

'...What?' Naruto looked at the two. 'Seme?'

'I always have to be uke,' Madara glowered. 'Why can't you be uke for once!'

'Last time that happened, I couldn't walk for da-'

'This isn't something you should be sharing!' Sasuke snapped at them both. 'That's disgusting!' He received a face full of tomato sauce.

He jumped over the kitchen table (Itachi ducking sideways), hands on the wooden surface and swing-kicked at Madara's face. He dropped the sauce bottle, slid under the table and out next to Naruto.

'Hi, Naruto,' Madara greeted before dodging Sasuke's punch. Madara did a surprisingly good backflip, although got squirted with sauce from Itachi, who had picked up the red bottle. Naruto shook his head, getting up, he took the pizza carton and walked into the main room, onto the sofa. Itachi followed him.

'Sasuke's mad,' Naruto commented.

'Of course he would be,' Itachi said, pretending to not hear bangs and yells from the kitchen. 'Such a different species, Sasuke is.'

'What about your parents?'

'Madara's parents and brother are dead. Our parents- dunno about mother, I've never seen her before. Went away when Sasuke was a baby. Father, he's on a business trip. Should be back next week, then he has to go again.' Itachi had a scratched cheek, him and Madara obviously being fighting physically as well as arguing before.

'Itachi...'

'Hmm?'

'Whats seme?'

* * *

Naruto arrived early the next morning, his breath mingling in the fresh air, looking like he was smoking. Unfortunately for him, chewing supermint gum while walking to school (He's going to buy a bike one day, honestly) and breathing in meant a sharp intake of coldness and a taste left in his mouth he did not like.

In conclusion, Naruto should brush his teeth every morning. Idiot. It was also damn cold.

'Uzumaki,' the teacher checked off his name. 'Good. The run starts in ten minutes.'

'...' Naruto wondered off to find Hinata. He found her talking to Ino.

'Hey Ino, Hinata,' Naruto nodded at them both. 'Its a pain that we have to start so early, don't you think?'

'Nope!' Ino's eyes were literally on fire. 'Never!'

'Oh... what about you?' Naruto asked Hinata.

Hinata shook her head. 'I don't mind.'

'I will beat Sakura,' Ino was saying. She had her hair in two pigtails.

'Yeah right!' Sakura had joined them both. 'I've won for the past two years!' Putting her hands on her hips, then changed her tone, swishing to Naruto. 'Ah, Naruto! Are you good at running?'

'I came first last year.'

'Stop lying! Bet you didn't!'

'Its true.' Naruto wasn't lying. He took a 5km shortcut and won.

The teachers never found out, either.

'No, I'm going to win,' Karin smiled and pushed her way through the crowd of girls. 'I won last year!'

'Did not.'

'Did to.'

'Did not.'

'Did to,' Karin smirked. 'Lets see who wins, out of all me and you two.' she nodded at Sakura and Ino. 'The two losers... have to... host Rock Lee for a week.'

Ino groaned. Sakura frowned, 'What's wrong with that?'

'Fine then. _Sai_!'

'I see nothing wrong with Sai,' Ino smiled, and Sakura went pale.

'You only like him 'cuz he looks like a Uchiha.'

'Alright...' Karin thought hard. '_GAARA_!'

This time the two girls nearly screamed.

'Gaara...?' they whispered. 'The school demon?'

'Who?' Naruto asked.

'Gaara... of the sand...' Karin said slowly and dramatically. 'The devil himself... I heard people _faint _when they look at him in the eye...'

Naruto snorted.

'Only Tenten and Temari can control him,' Sakura whispered. 'A real monster.'

'Technically only Tenten. Temari is his sister,' butted in Ino. Her eyes sparkled full of determination. 'I _WILL _WIN!'

Temari, who had joined them, rolled her eyes. 'You guys are idiots. Naruto, Hinata, wanna run with me?'

'Ok,' Naruto was fiddling with his shoelaces. He noticed he was the only one without the sports uniform on. He had on just a t-shirt and sports trousers. He saw Temari talking to her friends. She was going to race with them.

'Girls!' a teacher- Kurenai-sensei called out, 'Starting in 3 minutes!'

Naruto rolled his eyes, and put himself next to Hinata, ready to start.

'Do you really think Naruto won last year?' Sakura was whispered to Karin. Ino wasn't listening, too fired up on beating the other two.

'She's a commoner from the other side of town. Of course she's lying,' Karin said back. 'All commoners lie.'

'You're the liar,' Naruto had been in earshot.

Karin's eyes widened, turning to the blonde. '_What? _Excuse me!? Me? A _Liar!_ I think not, thanks.'

'I hate that woman,' Naruto muttered to himself. A gunshot went off, signaling them all to start running.

After two or three steps- Naruto felt a hand on his shirt.

"Wait-'

Naruto stopped and looked around.

_Tenten had gone one step over the line, and had collapsed, tears in her eyes. _

_'Naruto,' she said, eyes shining, whispering leaves and sakura blossoms going past making the scene more dramatic. 'You must- you must- go without me.' _

_'Tenten!' Naruto clasped his hands together to his chest. 'No. NO!' _

_'Please!' Tenten was desperate. 'this is all I can do!'_

_'Naruto!' Tenten gave off Rock Lee vibes. _

_'Tenten...' Naruto (weakly) gave off Gai-sensei vibes. _

'GIRLS!' Kurenai was yelling. 'Just run!'

Tenten turned towards her teacher. ''This is all I can do, sensei...'

She sighed. 'Fine. Naruto, go ahead and catch up!'

'Yes, sensei...' Naruto scratched his head, wondering why Tenten was acting so strange and dramatic, and ran off. He was- last. LAST? NARUTO IS NEVER _LAST_. He jumped in a puddle, getting his shoes all wet. Judging by the wet footprints he left behind, all the other girls had gone around.

_What a waste of a day, _Naruto thought, easily catching up to two or three girls, who were walking. The boy had ran past them. In two minutes, he had caught up to Hinata.

'Where's... Tenten?' she was saying between breaths.

Naruto jumped over a log, and said, 'She couldn't go on.'

'Oh,' Hinata blinked. 'She was... second... last year.'

'She only ... took one... step...' Naruto was going at an even place with the white-haired girl. They were now behind the school. Many girls had stopped running, and now walking.

* * *

Ino, Karin and Sakura were in front.

'Outta ma way!' Ino struck Sakura with her elbow.

'Ino-pig!' Sakura replied, going fast.

'I'm going to win!' Karin suddenly went faster than them both.

* * *

'Naruto... I'm... tired...' Hinata puffed. Naruto went at a slower pace. 'Oh... here's the shortcut.'

She stopped, looking around for any sneaky teachers, took Naruto by the hand and both went through a grassy park. Yes- grassy- yes- slippery. It started to rain.

Shiiiiiit. Hinata dodged all the puddles she came across (Naruto jumped in them). Now up to his knees, he was soaked.

And then he slipped on a banana peel-

Grabbed Hinata's shirt-

And they both fell, screaming into a nearby muddy creek. Naruto latched himself onto a weak branch, holding Hinata by the arm. He felt Hinata slipping- and the branch broke- and into the creek they went. Hinata fell on top, Naruto recieving a faceful of rainwater. At first- he couldn't breathe. (Well duh) then he felt Hinata fall off him, and he got up, back sore.

'Oh god,' Naruto shook water out of his eyes. 'That... _hurt_.'

'My clothes,' whispered Hinata, red in the face, white eyes suddenly saddened. 'My...'

'Mine too,' Naruto wiped mud off his face. He spat out a baby frog he had nearly swallowed, his whole body numb. 'We have to get up!' Both of them looked rather stupid in the creek. Hinata rubbed her eyes, and Naruto got up. It started to pour with rain, droplets splashing on water and rocks.

'It's too muddy to get up the slope,' Hinata pointed out, shivering.

'Watch me,' Naruto took off his now ruined shoes and socks and threw them over said slope. He reached the slope and put his hands through the dirt, feeling around for a dry patch.

Bingo.

Then, his other hand found a rock underneath the wet dirt, then pushed through the mud.

'Catch me if I fall,' Naruto ordered Hinata, slowly climbing up. 'I'll get a branch for you to climb up.'

Hinata nodded, Naruto suddenly up the top.

'You did it!' she cheered, teeth chattering.

Naruto flashed a thumbs up, then went to look for a suitable branch that could support Hinata's weight. He found one, and dragged it back. By then Hinata was sitting in a puddle. Naruto pushed the branch down to the creek, Hinata got up and grabbed the branch.

'Are you sure you can hold me?' she sounded worried.

'I'm pretty strong for my age,' Naruto half-lied, sliding the branch up the muddy slope. He blinked out water from the rain out of his eyes. After a minute or two of tugging, Hinata was near enough for Naruto to take her arm. She was surprisingly light- and one final heave- both she and Naruto collapsed on the ground, out of breath. Hinata's clothes were covered in mud. Naruto's whole body was covered in mud. Instantly, out of instinct, Naruto took his top off and began to wipe off the red wet dirt.

Hinata gasped. Naruto frowned at her. 'What?'

'Its a public place,' she said, eyes widening when Naruto started to wipe his arms. 'And... and...'

Her eyes fell on Naruto's pale chest.

'...Your a boy...'

* * *

'Tenten, why aren't you running?' the boys had come over to see the track. Neji looked at her curiously. Tenten was under an umbrella, reading _Fruits Basket _volume 3.

'I died,' she sighed. 'What else?'

'I thought you were good at those things,' Neji said.

'Heh. Yeah right.'

* * *

Hinata went an alarmingly shade of red.

'I'm sorry! I was so rude! I shouldn't of said that-'

'I am,' said Naruto grimly. 'A guy.'

Hinata fell silent, and took Naruto's shirt and began to wipe herself down. 'But... why...'

Naruto laughed. 'Do _you _really think guys would get hosted by other guys...'

'What about Kiba. And Sasuke?'

'They, and you, are the only ones that know,' Naruto sighed. 'To tell the truth, it's obvious I'm a guy. I mean, I look like a guy.'

'You don't really,' Hinata inspected him. 'It's certainly... unexpected. Look, you better put your shirt back on before someone else takes a shortcut...'

Naruto agreed, and walked over to a clear puddle, washing his shirt. 'Yeah. I'm the only guy in a girl's cross country race...'

'An unfair disadvantage,' Hinata said.

Naruto nodded. 'I guess so.' He squeezed the shirt out of its water, and put it back on. 'We better leave.'

* * *

And so, the winners of the cross country, went as follows. Please put your hands together after the presentation.

**1st place- Temari of 3B. **

**2nd place- Sakura of 2A. **

**3rd place- Ino of 2A. **

**4th place- Karin of 3A. **

**Special commendation- Last place- Tenten of 3A. **

'Yay,' Naruto said sarcastically. 'Can we go home now?'

For some coincidence, Hinata and Naruto had went over the finish line, soaking wet. What was their excuse? _It was raining. _What was their excuse for being so muddy? _We fell in a muddy puddle. _The other girls were of course wet, but not as obviously wet as those two.

Sakura was pointing evilly at Ino and Karin. 'I won out of you two! You both have to host _Gaaaaaaaaaara_!'

'I won, you little bat,' Temari said snidely (Although Gaara was Neji's friend, Gaara was in 2B). 'Therefore, you three have to host my brother.'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' the three hollered, tears in their eyes, praying to whoever was high above, 'Please! Nooo!'

'Quit whining,' Naruto had snapped at them. 'What did I come?' He looked over the girls shoulders (He was tiny compared to them) and read, 49th place- Naruto of 1D. 49 and a half-th place- Hinata of 1A. The went over the finish line at the same time. Hinata giggled.

'Sounded like a true man,' she whispered in his ear. Naruto glared at her.

'Just don't mention anything about it, ok? At school?'

Hinata paused.

'Yeah... alright...'

'NOW can we go home?' Naruto turned to Kurenai.

'You two can dry your clothes with the clothes dryer.'

'Schools have laundry products?'

'This school has a lot of things,' answered Kurenai. 'Now go.'

'...'

'Come on,' Hinata took Naruto by the hand, into the school building. The other girls had gone off to the showers.

'Hinata?'

'Yes?'

'Why are you holding me by the hand?'

'...' Hinata looked at him confusingly. 'That's what girls do.'

'Oh... So it's normal?'

Hinata nodded. 'It's normal.'

They reached the laundry section of the school, Hinata taking two fluffy white towels with stains on it for them both, she put the light on.

'Don't look,' she said Naruto. Naruto looked away politely, she put her clothes in the dryer and a towel around her body, sitting down on a plastic bench. She looked away when Naruto took his clothes off- he put a towel around his waist.

'Put it around your chest,' Hinata pointed out when they were both now bloody freezing, sitting on the bench.

Naruto understood what she meant. 'Oh, sorry,' he adjusted the towel.

'Our clothes should be done in 10 minutes,' the window was tapping gently from the rain. She looked expectantly at the clock on a shelf next to laundry powder. It was stuck on 7:30, the battery had obviously run out. 'Here we are, _naked_, waiting for our clothes to dry. I wish I had brought something else to wear.'

'Same,' Naruto agreed. Hinata smiled.

'You know... The more I look at you, the more you really are a guy,' she peered at him.

They were both silent, just listening to the rain.

'Heh... you even have a little stubble.'

'What? I shaved last night! Legs, armpits, face, all!'

She giggled. 'You missed a bit!'

'Did not!' Naruto retorted, and Hinata was now laughing. There was _PING_! And their clothes were done. When they put them on, they went down to the stairs.

A gunshot told them the boys had started to run, and Naruto thought of Kiba, proberly in front, running like an idiot, and Sasuke, pacing his way to his goal. That is, the finish line, of course. He stopped at a window, watching the guys who looked like ants from the window- he should be down there now if he wasn't stuck like this- running around the oval, rain pouring down much heavier then when the girls went off. With a laugh, he saw the uncanny figure of Madara, sitting on the beginning line, refusing to budge. Teachers were yelling at him to go, obviously. Naruto smiled. He was warm, at least, in this building.

Hinata tugged on his shirt. 'Come on, its lunchtime.'

'Nah, I wanna watch,' Naruto pulled away.

Lunch could wait.

* * *

**A/N: Review for me, pretty please!? If you want to send me an idea- go ahead. I like getting emails!**


	6. Enter Sailor Kyuubi

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

**Listening to**: アボガド _NICO Touches the walls. _NICO TTW is doing the next Naruto ending.

I had fun writing this. My typing is getting bad. First, I got a new keyboard and mouse for no apparent reason. And the mouse is BIG. the keyboard is...wireless. Lovely. OH and they started to release who's dubbing who in Ouran! I think the next announcement is... Wednesday, I think.

* * *

**-- Uchiha'd has just signed in --**

* * *

Uchiha'd: HALLO

Rasengan: ...hu is this?

Uchiha'd: MADARA

Uchiha'd: HEY GUESS WHAT I GOT COMPUTER 2 WORK

Uchiha'd: WHOS THIS IS THIS NARUTO

Rasengan: Yea. how did u get my usernam

Uchiha'd: SASUKE HAD IT RITEN ON HIS DESK

Rasengan: oh. y r u speaking in caps

Uchiha'd: WHATS CAPS. I NEVER PAID ATTENTION IN COMPUTER CLASS

Rasengan: It looks lik ur shouting

Uchiha'd: ?

Rasengan: when u speak in caps-

Uchiha'd: DONT GET IT

Rasengan: it looks like u r shouting.

Uchiha'd: ?IM TYPING NOT SHOUTING

Rasengan: forget it.

* * *

**-- Sharingan has just signed in --**

* * *

Rasengan- hey sasuke

Sharingan: dobe

Uchiha'd- WHATS A DOBE

Sharingan: I was referring to Naruto.

Rasengan- me??

Sharingan: well, YEAH.

Rasengan- dont call me a dobe!!

Sharingan: Its the perfect nickname. Means 'idiot'. Or "useless" by I prefer 'idiot' because I'm not sure how useless you are, really.

Rasengan- bastard

Sharingan: thanks.

Rasengan- fine then... i will find a nicknam 4 u. thn u wont like it and u will be sorry!

Uchiha'd- LOL

Uchiha'd- I DONT GET IT

Sharingan: How did you get Naruto's username?

Uchiha'd- IT WAS ON YOUR DESK

Sharingan: No, it wasn't.

Uchiha'd- IT WAS

Sharingan: why are you speaking in caps?

Uchiha'd- IM NOT

Uchiha'd- WHATS CAPS

Sharingan: www . wikipedia . org /wiki/Capslock

Uchiha'd- OH. STILL DONT GET IT

Sharingan: clicky then read.

Sharingan: Itachi's calling for you, by the way.

Uchiha'd- DAMN OK IM GOING BYE

* * *

**-- Uchiha'd has just signed out --**

* * *

Sharingan: So. What are you doing tonight?

Rasengan: nothing. homework. y?

Rasengan: Got any good games?

Rasengan: I thought u wernt a game type.

Sharingan: I've got Madara and Itachi's wii now.

Rasengan: cool

Rasengan: I dont hav any games though

Sharingan: I'll take theirs. I'll come around 7. Got a spare bed anywhere?

Rasengan- Wait r u sleeping?

Sharingan: Yep. See you round. Sai, Neji and Shikamaru are coming as well.

Rasengan: Who?

* * *

**-- Sharingan has just signed out --**

* * *

'...What the hell?' Naruto said to the computer screen. It flashed dangeriously in return. The computer was nearly 10 years old, a lousy Windows 98 and pretty much dying. Oh well, Naruto will just have to use one of Jiraiya's. _If _Jiraiya would let him. Damn rich-ass author. But before he logged off-

* * *

**- Ichirakuichihrakuichiraku has just signed in --**

* * *

Ichirakuichihrakuichiraku: hey nii-chan!!

Rasengan: sup?

Ichirakuichihrakuichiraku: um oh yea i forgot to tell u that the charity jar has ben takin down

Rasengan: ... what?

Ichirakuichihrakuichiraku: im serious. Teuchi thought u were dying of cancer or something so i sad no u hav a debt and teuchi yeled at me and took the paper off the tin and replaced wit homeless children foundation

Rasengan: OH. Ok then. I've made about 200 so far anyway. sum of the guys that kno im a guy hav been kind enough and i host them. especially sasuke and kiba

Ichirakuichihrakuichiraku: that skool is loaded. oh well g2g cya work

* * *

**-- Ichirakuichirakuichiraku has just signed out --**

* * *

'DAmnit,' Naruto whacked the screen. It responded by blacking out. 'I will beat you, believe it!'

He jabbed the power button several times, kicked the moniter twice, tried to put computer back on (didn't work) and pulled out the plug. He was going to yell out to Kushina about getting a new computer (She and Madara's computer knowledge bases were basically the same) when he forgot that his mother wasn't around till Wednesday.

'I WILL kill you,' he threatened the computer. It didn't reply, just INNOCENTLY pretended nothing was wrong, and the motionless machine made Naruto even more pissed. The blonde idiot swore under his breath, even more when he saw the time, which it was currently 6:30. And Sasuke was coming over.

With friends.

That Naruto didn't know.

If THEY dare ruin the PLACE...

Naruto would hide in a hole, far, far, far, away from Kushina's whip. Not that Kushina has one anyway.

_Sasuke's coming ovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver, _a snide little voice said in his head. Which, Naruto ignored, pulling the battered computer chair out the way and exiting the room, to start "cleaning".

Naruto's definition of "cleaning" was "kicking things out the way".

* * *

The reason why Sasuke decided to go over to Naruto with some friends was because he found out that Fugaku was coming home tonight. Such a short notice, don't you think? He hadn't bothered to tell Itachi or Madara... And didn't even tell them, as he swept down the hallway.

'I'm going over Naruto's for the night,' Sasuke popped his head around the door into Madara and Itachi's bedroom. Itachi was on the bed, reading a magazine upside down. Madara was typing very slowly and the brand-new fixed computer, in capslock, obviously an assignment he had to type up on said computer. Sasuke went over to see what he was typing. He had done about 10 pages so far, his draft was well-written and understandably neat- except Madara _could _not type to save his life-

_...THE UNIVRS IS EXPANDING AT AN ALARMN RAT E OF 8 VERY FAST PER SECOND. STEPHN HAWKING FIRST EXPLA INEDDDD TEH BIG BANG IN 1807. STEPHEN HWKING IS STILL ALIVE TODAYzzz AND TO CONCLUDE THIS ESSAYzzzzz...zZZZZZzzz.z.z..._

'Fail,' Sasuke said automatically. Madara scowled and took a swig of something suspriously like alochol.

'This computer sucks,' he growled.

'Your skill sucks.'

'Your social life sucks.'

'Your typing skills suck.'

'Your choice on girls sucks.'

'Whats wrong with Naruto!?' Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

Not that Naruto and Sasuke were going out with each other, anyway.

While Madara was talking back, his left index finger currently pressing down ZZZZ without realizing. 'Nothing.' He returned to looking at the computer screen.

'Naruto is special,' Itachi was filling out a crossword. 'Sasuke's found love at last...' He clutched his chest in a romantic way.

Sasuke snorted. 'Besides my love-life, Itachi, you should edit Madara's work.'

Itachi shook his head. 'Its his. If he fails, not my fault. there's a question here that I don't know... Sasuke, Do you know how much the universe is expanding per second?'

'How the heck should I know?'

* * *

Naruto didn't feel all that well. In his mind, he half wanted to ring up Sasuke and tell him not to come over. Looking helplessly in the cupboards, Kushina had forgotten to tell him where the hell she kept the medicene. He knew where the bandiads where- but putting them on his head _would not _work. Believe me... he's tried before... _Andsasukeiscomingover... withfriends...  
_

Shit. He rang up Kushina (who was having tea in a nice restruant at the moment with some of her lady-friends in Iwa) and she didn't know, either. He would have to ring up Sasuke...

Sasuke.

_Who_, Inner-Naruto remind him, _Was coming over..._! Why did Sasuke have an interest in him in the first place? The girls and Kiba said hes always kept to himself... why has he opened up now?

Oh wait, he does have "friends". These "Shikamaru" "Sai" and a "Neji".

_Ok_... Naruto admitted to himself. _He's a nice guy._..

He found a red furball underneath the cushions he tried vaguely hiding away from eye-view in the TV room.

'KYUUBI!'

Kyuubi looked at him innocently, as if to say, 'What?'

'You shouldn't be inside...' Kyuubi swished his tail in annoyance, and curled up again, to snooze, and so Naruto took him anyway outside. It had started to rain slightly, barely seen droplets in the darkening sky, making themselves know via soundwaves. And as soon as Naruto closed the backdoor, Kyuubi preceded to enter the house by the catflap. He barely fit in it- stupid fat fox. When Naruto wondered off to his room to kick more things out the way, there was suddenly a growl behind Kyuubi.

Kyuubi's ears perked up.

* * *

**-- ANIMAL MODE --**

_'Ichibi...' Kyuubi hissed, eyes becoming slits. '...Get out.'_

_Shakuku licked his paws. 'Free food. Your master is good... mine refuses to give me food now.'_

_'...You mean Gaara?' Kyuubi had seen the red-headed insomniac several times before. 'You shouldn't be here. This isn't your home. Out. Now.'_

_Shakaku snickered. 'But your place is so... much better than mine! I-'_

_Kyuubi ran up and jumped onto Shakaku, clawing him. Shakaku shrieked then dived under cushions, Kyuubi going after him, splitting an orange cushion of its cotton. Shakaku ran behind the lounge and up the bookcase. Kyuubi perched himself on the carpet, well away from the now ruined cushions._

_'KYUUBI POWER MAKE UP!' Kyuubi shouted. There was a flash of pink light, and Sailor Kyuubi emerged. His tails had split into nine. Shakaku looked horrified-_

_'ICHIBI POWER MAKE UP!' Sailor Shakaku jumped gracefully down from the bookcase, the different was his racooned eyes were blacker than ever. Kyuubi growled, eyes flashing dangerously red. He pounced onto Shakaku, a side-lamp smashing to the floor. Shakaku responded by dodging and clinging to the light above..._

That is, until, they heard footsteps.

_'HIDE!' Kyuubi and Shakaku ran out the window._

**-- END ANIMAL MODE -- **

* * *

Naruto scratched his chin.

'...What the fuck...'

A complete MESS in the room. WHAT THE... well, he had already said it. It was like a DAMN possum had been in here (...Or raccoon, wild cat, or squirrel, referring to what country you live in) and couldn't get the HELL Out. Ripped cushions spread all over the red carpet (...Could easily by replaced) smashed lamp, scratched up lounge-

Kyuubi vs. Kushina's ginger cat, no doubt. But the cat was asleep in Naruto's room at the moment. Kyuubi properly got back through the house via the cat flap. So blame...

Naruto was angry now. Really, really, really, really, really _angry_.

**'KYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBI!' **

* * *

'Hey... Sasuke's not here,' Itachi blocked Madara's view of the computer screen. Madara flung a finger to Itachi's lips to refrain him from getting closer.

'Can I finish my assigment first?' Madara asked, ignoring the way Itachi was now sitting on him, undoing his jeans.

'...No. Promise have fun with me and I'll edit your assignment?'

'No.'

'Yeeeeeees...'

'No.'

'Spoil-sport,' Itachi swiveled around and saved Madara's "assignment" and turned off the computer.

'-Hey!'

Itachi cut him off by forcing himself onto Madara's mouth. He gave in.

* * *

Naruto flung open the door, still very pissed off. Four guys- who were taller than him, he added with spite. _Why can't I be taller!? _Naruto had changed about five minutes ago into a orange t-shirt and black skinny jeans. His hair was gelled into spikes around the place, as he had finally gotten sick of the shoulder-length blond. In front was Sasuke, carrying a bag and a box, which obviously held the wii. The three other guys- the prick- Neji Hyuuga, who's eyes were just like Hinata's- except coldish. He pretty much leered over Naruto, this time with no books in his hands, for once. Naruto wondered if his eyes could see everywhere, like if he had x-ray vision or something. Another person behind him was a bored-looking guy with a spiky ponytail. Naruto reconzied him as the person who bumped into Neji in the hallway... whenever that was, and he also came to the hostess club frequently with Temari.

The boy next to him was completly different from the others, in raidiance, mind you. Instead of a bored, or leery, or kind tone, he had a smile with his eyes closed. You would think he was a blind person... but no.

'Naruto,' Sasuke greeted him, walking into the house without permission. Naruto got out the way just in time as four sturdy figures went past him, the pale skinned one with the gin-smile nodding and said, 'Hello, Naruto...'

'Hi, Mr...?'

'Its Sai.'

'Nice to meet you, Sai.' But Sai had followed Sasuke into the TV room, where the mess was. The four stopped in their tracks, Shikamaru raising an eyebrow. Naruto clambered after them, nearly tripping under the box Sasuke had put right in front of his feet.

'Yeah...' Naruto said sheeplishly. '...That was my fox's fault.'

_I think_.

'Its quite hard to tame foxes,' Neji put his bag down, looking around at the orange walls. A few photographs lay on shelves, and Kushina's attempt at "abstract" paintings. She did them herself, because they cost more if you brought them off ebay. Naruto had also did one, it was A4 size and it was of a fox. In the corner it said "Naruto age 7 ;).

'I haven't introduced myself proberly yet,' Neji took a hand out. 'Hyuuga Neji.'

'Uzumaki Naruto,' they shook hands., then Naruto turned to the pineapple man.

'Nara Shikamaru,' he said in a bored tone. He was already on the lounge, streched out.

'So...' Naruto began, to everyone. 'Why are you here, really? I only had about half an hour to prepare, I haven't thought of dinner yet...'

'Well,' Sasuke said, dropping to his knees and opening the box, (Madara and Itachi's wii) 'My father is coming home. He complains too much.'

'When was the last time you saw him?'

Sasuke shrugged. 'Whenever it was. 6 months ago, I think. Got into an argument about my bedsheets, for gods sake.'

'He sounds like my mother,' Shikamaru commented.

'And why are you guys here? I mean, I've never spoken to you before...'

'Oh no. I invited them personally along,' Sasuke said smoothly.

Naruto twitched. 'As long-'

'We don't bite,' Sai smiled.

'You do,' Shikamaru replied, 'They hurt.'

'But it says in my book-'

'Shut up about the book,' Neji shook his head at Sai, who was now looking at Kushina's abstract paintings with intrest, 'It dosen't help at all. You should be friends with Gaara, both of you-'

Neji's phone rang at that very moment. He looked at his phone. 'Speak of the devil...' he answered his phone. 'What, Gaara?' While Neji was talking, Naruto helped Sasuke connect the wii to the TV set. They had it done in no time.

'What did Gaara want?'

Sasuke took out a six-pack of Carlton Draught.

'Stole from Madara,' he handed a can to Neji.

'Cheers...'

'If my mother smells alcohol...' Naruto began, but shut up because he felt quite weird saying "mother" when these 4 were older than him, but yet went to Konoha High School Academy as well as him. He thought they guys were pricks, but now they were drinking down beer- and possibly getting smokes out soon.

'Ever heard of spray before?' Sasuke sat down. 'You know, exterminates odours...'

'Well, yeah, but-'

'Its settled then,' Sasuke interupted. 'Want some?'

'...Fine,' Naruto gave in, memories of him getting drunk last term with Gin and etc coming back. What wonderful times. It might shake off his anger.

'Gaara's lost Shakaku,' Neji said, looking at Naruto was some particular reason.

'Who?' Naruto blinked.

'His pet raccoon dog,' he rolled his eyes. 'Stupid thing. He should feed it once in a while. He's been neglecting it.'

* * *

_'Take me to New York, I'd love to see LA, I really want to come kick it with you, You'll be my american boy...' _

'Next time, turn your FUCKING phone off before we do this sort of thing!' Bedsheets ruffled and Madara emerged, panting and sweating- also wearing absolutely nothing.

_Shuffle, shuffle. _

Madara snatched the phone off the desk, and flipped Itachi's black phone open without looking at who was calling, 'Phone back later,' he snapped at the recivever, 'Me and Itachi are currently having SEX right now so FUCK off, no offense. bye-'

'Its Fugaku.'

Silence.

* * *

**(NOTE) Shakaku and Ichibi are the same being. They are, aren't they? Too busy too look it up. **

**Carlton Draught- Beer. I'm not sure if its a world-wide brand. I'm no alcohol person, btw. Can't stand the stuff. I'm not in the mood for writing smut. I'll write it... later. When I can think of a good smut scene. I haven't tried before, btw.  
**


	7. Do not try microwaving CDS at home

* * *

-- Konoha Hostess Club --

**Listening to**: _Bratja (instrumental) _

**Kids, never try microwaving CDs at home. Do at someone else's house instead.**

Chap 404- So if Mad's the mizukage, then is Zetsu the leader of... where ever he is from? Greenland? I mean, I've seen no evidence thats Zetsu is from the Grass village. Zetsu is like, my favourite character after Shikamaru and Itachi, of course.

* * *

_'Phone back later,' he snapped at the recivever, 'Me and Itachi are currently having SEX right now so FUCK off, no offense. bye-'_

_'Its Fugaku.'_

_Silence._

* * *

**'...WHAT?'**

'Yes...' Fugaku seemed to be lost for words for a moment after just hearing _Me and Itachi are currently having SEX right now so FUCK off_ which he could not associate Itachi and Madara with. Itachi's not under age anymore. He didn't know how old Madara was, but they could be about the same age. (**A/N in my fic anyway)** 'Its Fugaku... I will be home in ten minutes. Put the kettle on, won't you?'

No one was breathing.

'Yes... sir,' Madara said weakly, almost like a soldier gone AWOL and forced back into the army again.

'Thank you. Is Sasuke home? I told him to tell you that I was coming.'

'No... Sasuke's at a friends house,' Madara wanted to smash the phone into tiny little shards and pretend that FUGAKU did not fucking exist at all, him with a workholic and complaining manner. '...Yeah,' he ended lamely.

'Goodbye, then.'

_Click._

Phone, dead.

More silence.

**'SASUKKKKKKKKKKKKK_KKKKKKKKK_KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEE_EEEEEEE_EEEEEEEEEEE!'**

* * *

**--ANIMAL MODE --**

Kyuubi and Shakaku rolled over eachother, biting at every piece of fur they could reach, to kill. THEY were animals, after all. Currently they were fighting about Nibi, the hot cat that lived in a house near Konoha High School.

She wasn't even that hot. Really. The equilvelent of Karin, supposly. Snobby, stuck up-

But these two animals were of the male race, and didn't REALLY notice her personality. Her owner was nice, yes. Her name was Yugito. Yugito Nii.

Shakaku was the equilvnet of a underground criminal with an asshole personality to boot.

Kyuubi... well, was Kyuubi. Protector of the Uzumaki's, believe it!

And Shakaku? Protector of the Sabaku's... Unfortunatly.

'KYUUBI DREAM COSMIC ACTION!'

Shakaku jumped out of a puddle and sniggered. 'What? God that is the lamest thing I've ever heard, fox.'

Kyuubi took that as an insult and kicked over the trash can, banana peels spilling straight over onto the stupid raccoon dog...

'ICHIBI OAK EVOULTION!'

'KYUUBI-'

'I win!' Shakaku declared.

'What? Wait-'

'SHAKAKU!' A voice behind them screamed, and Kyuubi ran off as he saw the figure of Gaara's older sisiter, Temari, run over and pick Shakaku up.

**-- END ANIMAL MODE -- **

* * *

'Shiiiit.' Madara curled himself into a ball, under the blankets.

Itachi was amused- and yet, horrified at the same time.

'We have ten minutes,' Itachi shook the pissed off Madara.

Madara didn't budge.

'I'm not here.'

'Look, don't feel sad-'

'I'm pissed off.'

'I mean,' Itachi said hastily. 'Y'know how my father doesn't agree on the sleeping arrangements. He might be home for a while, so we'll have to move your stuff back into your old room, just for this time.'

'You can do it,' came Madara's voice from under red blankets. 'I felt so great... and then it fizzled out, thanks to your _father_.'

Itachi sighed, and ruffled his hair. When Itachi was annoyed and not really wanting something to happen, that was his habit, ruffling usually so sleek and shiny hair up. 'Alright then,' Itachi climbed over the ball of Madara and put on his boxers, shaking his hair out of his face.

Madara still didn't budge when Itachi put the computer back on, and while it was loading, Itachi gathered all of Madara's belongings including his _Spongebob Squarepants _DVD collection and Shrek hat (a green beanie with ogre ears coming from the side) trotted out and put it all in a smaller-room upstairs that Madara 'slept' in when Fuagku was home, ruffled the bedsheets up, pulled the curtains open and ran a hand down the unkept shelves so it looked all clean and polished. THen, when he returned, now about 5 minutes till Fugaku got home, Itachi dragged Madara out from the bed and placed him in front of the computer screen.

Madara stared at the screen, then at Itachi.

'What now?'

'You have five minutes while I prepare for father's arrival,' Itachi took hold of the mouse and clicked into Mozilla Firefox. It opened up, and Itachi wrote into the google toolbar:

_'porn'_

Personalized Results **1 - 10** of about **938, 930, 00** for **porn**. (0.23 seconds)

'...Porn?' Madara shook the computer. 'For real?'

'Like I said, you have five minutes to click on those blue underline things. They will redirect you to a website that has many objectives on it. Like a porn magazine. It will keep you occupied while I sort out the house and then beat the crap out of Sasuke.'

'What if I don't want to look at porn?'

Itachi sighed, and clicked on google images, pretending a screenshot of 2 girls 1 cup was NOT blaring out in his face, and wrote in 'itachi uchiha'.

'Now,' Itachi said quickly. 'The girls that visit the host club draw pictures of me... and you... and all the others, and sometimes put them on the internet, that is, usually google images or DeviantART-'

'Whats that?'

'Here,' Itachi found a _photo of himself _writing something, he enlarged it. 'Jerk off to that while I'm preparing.'

'Yes sir!' Madara saluted.

Itachi left the room,an idea filling him to the brim. He grinned. In a sense, yes. Itachi Uchiha just _grinned_. Um, it is, you know, possible and all.

Alcohol.

If he could get that smell of alcohol in his room and around the house, Fugaku would think he and Madara had too much alcohol- got a little drunk- wait, _then _they would have to act drunk- Madara could do that very easily- thats how he was usually in maths class and weekends- and yet no matter how many drinks Itachi had- he always remained sober.

And got a hangover in the morning.

_Good idea, good idea, good idea_, Inner-Itachi chanted, and so Itachi went downstairs, and pulled open the fridge.

He saw his cans of red bull-

But no fucking alcohol.

**'SASUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK_KKKKKKKKKKK_KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKE!!" **

* * *

'Did you hear that?' Naruto's ears perked up, like a fox. 'It sounded like your name, Sasuke.'

'? Didn't hear anything,' Sasuke took a particularly long swing at the ball (They were playing tennis on the wii) and missed, hitting Naruto's nose instead.

THUNK.

* * *

Itachi, who was supposed to be some sort of genius and could beat Shikamaru Nara at stragety games, was just taking out the trash (it was dark outside so he only went in his boxers) only just realized that him and Madara _needed _a shower before Fuagku comes home.

That is, 2 minutes.

Itachi found Madara slumped on the computer desk, asleep. Well, that was simple.

At least Madara _had not done _what any normal guy would have done when confronted with rather sexy images on the internet, although the smell of sex still lingered in the air and so Itachi took his deodarant cans and sprayed all around, nearly getting an ashmatic reaction, then, around 30 seconds till Fugaku was home...

'Coldshowercoldshowercoldshower,' Itachi's teeth chattered, stripping off and hopping in the shower that connected to the bedroom. He had also stirred Madara, who nearly screamed when he was confronted with blistering cold droplets.

And then, they heard the front door open and shut.

'...Whats going on again?'

It seemed the idiot called Madara _forgot _who was coming back home, and Itachi dragged him out the shower and placed him just by the bed while he ran around putting on traditional Uchiha clothes (high collar, bluish black, even with the crest) and walked downstairs to greet his father.

Fugaku Uchiha was a workoholic, and now sat in the kictchen with a grumpy look on his face.

'Father,' Itachi shut the door.

'Itachi,' Fugaku nodded. 'I told Madara to put the kettle on.'

The kettle wasn't even plugged in.

'He's... uh...' Itachi got out some teabags from a little pot next to the salt and pepper, 'Shower.'

'I see. You have had a shower too.'

'I might as well have,' Itachi said stiffly. 'Sasuke had gone off without telling either of us that you were coming home. We might have cleaned up a bit.'

'I will personally see to his punishment,' Fugaku said at once.

'No need,' a voice came from behind the kitchen door, and it was pushed open. If Fugaku wasn't home, Itachi would of been making fun right now of Madara's black hair. He had taken one of Itachi's hairbands and put it in a high ponytail, and although it took the hair out of his face, and looked like a completly different person, the fact remained that his hair still looked like a caveman's.

'Fugaku,' Madara greeted Itachi's father, not looking into his eyes, but heading through to the pantry and taking out a chip packet, opening it and started to eat the contents, and still hiding in the shadow. Itachi knocked over the sugar (Like I said, he's pretty shit in the kitchen) and looked at his father, wondering if he was going to have coffee or tea.

'Two blacks.' (1)

'...' At this, Itachi stared at his father blankly.

Fugaku made a growling noise. 'Never mind! Sasuke could of done this.'

'Father, you know how bad me and Madara are in the kitchen-' Itachi started to say.

'You might succeed more then Sasuke, but he would make a better housewife,' Fugaku added milk to his coffee and stirred. 'How on earth do you two get up in the morning, like this?'

'Sasuke usually makes something with caffeine in it,' Madara said thoughtfully. 'Or we get out the Iced Coffee from the fridge and heat it up in the microwave. Except the microwave isn't working.'

'Well buy another,' Fugaku responded, putting a teaspoon in the sink.

'This is our third in two months, father.'

'WHAT?' Fugaku exploded. 'What happened to the other ones!'

'... They broke,' Madara lied.

The truth was that Madara plus electronics usually didn't mix. At all. The first one, he was cooking fish in a glass dish and forgot about it, next he had put Sasuke's Tokio Hotel CDs in and they exploded, then he tried to heat up bread, trying to make toast, and got pissed off at it, and threw it in the trash with the bread still in it.

Second, it stopped working after about a month. The door came off it. Kudos to anyone who guessed _who did that_.

The third they had only had for about 2 weeks and only cooked about two things in it.

'Why did they break?' Fugaku said coldly.

'Because...' Madara shook his head helplessly. 'I don't know! Ask Sasuke!'

* * *

'FUUU_UUU_UCKKKK!' Naruto screamed, dropping his remote to touch his nose, bloody pouring down his shirt.

Sai chose to walk into the room at that moment, he had just been to the bathroom.

'In books,' Sai said casually, 'Nosebleeds occur when the body is sexually aroused.'

Naruto looked horrified, even more so when Sasuke pinched his nose and forced his head up, Naruto having tears spilling out of his eyes.

'Don't be such a girl,' Sasuke ordered, trying to get Naruto to stop struggling.

'Shut up, teme!' Naruto answered back, trying to knock Sasuke's hand out the way.

Sasuke looked impressed.

'_Teme, _now, is it, dobe?'

'Bastard,' Naruto wiped a bloody hand on Sasuke's face. 'Heh. Payback.'

'That wasn't much of a payback,' Sasuke carried him to the couch and plopped the blonde on Shikamaru, who groaned and rolled off the couch. 'Now hold _still_!'

'Fuck you, teme,' Naruto snapped.

'You'll enjoy it,' Sasuke retorted back, using one of Madara's favourite insults, and watching amusingly when Naruto went a shade of red. Neji had found some paper towels in the kitchen, and then the nosebleed went away.

The first thing Naruto did was bite Sasuke hard on the arm. He didn't get that much of a reaction, but Naruto had ran off into his bedroom, and took out his gun.

Water pistol, I mean.

Naruto then raced off to the bathroom and put water in it, and dashed back to Sasuke.

It was Sasuke's turn to yell this time.

'Troublesome,' Shikamaru sighed, but then getting water spilled on him. Sasuke won by getting Naruto in a headlock.

Neji was shocked.

Shikamaru was amused.

Sai was unmoved.

_Heh. That rhymes. _

Neji was shocked, mainly because Sasuke was acting very out of character and to a _girl _of all sorts. This Naruko Uzumaki, or "Naruto". And a cute girl at that. Now, she had flipped Sasuke over and kicked at his head. Not that many people have ever dared to fight a Uchiha before.

Shikamaru, was amused. At Neji. And Sai.

Because those two couldn't out two and two together. NARUTO'S A GUY!

And Neji is like top _of his class _and Sai is just... Sai. Sai Sai Sai.

Shikamaru just smirked. How troublesome BUT he would love to see Neji and Sai's reactions when they find out that Naruto's a guy.

Sai would just keep on smiling, Neji would shut himself in his room for hours on end. Maybe.

Watching the poor guy blush was very amusing. Now _Sasuke _was the one with the nosebleed.

'Sooooooory!' Naruto pretended to soothe Sasuke, trying to keep himself from laughing. 'I didn't mean it! OW!' Sasuke elbowed Naruto in the chin, trying to get up and find the paper towels. Sasuke did not feel pain, compared to what he felt in his heart...

'I gotta go,' Sasuke said quickly, pushing Naruto's helping hand away and nearly tripped over Neji. He felt like he was going to throw up, Sasuke inspected himself when he found the bathroom. His face was sweaty, hands were shaking when he turned on the tap...

'Sasuke, you ok?' Naruto knocked on the door as Sasuke poured water over himself, making the water in the sink murky from dried blood.

'Yeah... fine...' rubbing his eyes, he lent againest the wall trying to catch his breath, 'I seriously didn't feel well all of a sudden.'

'Neither did I before you came!' Naruto chirped from the other side of the door, fiddling with his hands. 'I couldn't find any medicine anywhere BUT I did find bandaids!'

'What good would that do!?' Sasuke shook his hair and dryed off his face with a towel. He inspected his reflection. No bleeding.

Good.

As Sasuke opened the door, he heard steps from the other end of the hallway.

'Naruto...' Neji called, 'Look, its getting late-'

Sasuke checked his phone. Ten thirty.

'No, not that late, but I really have to study for Monday. I'm dropping off Sai and Shika if thats alright?'

'Yeah, fine,' Naruto said cheerily. 'It was nice having you guys over!'

'Cheerio, Naruto. Sasuke.'

Neji waved and left.

* * *

Shikamaru was laughing on the way home.

Sai and Neji could not figure out why.

* * *

Naruto frowned.

'I thought they were staying over.'

'Nope. Just me,' Sasuke picked up his stuff from the couch. 'Where's your room?'

Naruto stood still, about to pick up cushions. 'Who says you are sleeping in my room?'

'I did,' Sasuke said in quite a normal tone, going into Kushina's room intstead of Naruto's. Naruto should of told him where his room was. But nononono... Sasuke obviously knew this wasn't his room. It wasn't painted orange, and preceeded to the next.

'Don't go in!' Naruto yelled, throwing himself in front of his room. '...Its messy.'

'Move,' Sasuke raised an eyebrow, flicking Naruto's hand away from the doorknob.

Naruto shook his determined head. 'No!'

Sasuke sighed.

It left him no choice, Sasuke put his bag down and rolled up his sleeves, imitating what Itachi did to Madara when he refused to do something. Such as go to bed at 4 in the morning, for instance. Sasuke was good at copying things.

He then stepped forward and pressed so he and Naruto were touching, bent to Naruto's eye level, face's barely a inch away from eachother.

Invasion of personal space no justu.

'_Move. Now_.'

'What the hell, Sasuke?' Naruto tried to pull him off, letting his hand go from the doorknob. Sasuke kicked at his legs, dodged the blonde and opened the door.

It was.

The.

Fucking.

Luaundry.

Naruto was cackling.

'Haha! Gotcha! My room's this way!' Naruto grabbed Sasuke's stuff and skipped down the hallway. 'Here you go!'

The door was already open, and yes, the walls were painted orange, a couple of posters of skateboarders and sport clubs, a double bed, a unrecognizable mess in one corner and some clothes in the other. A moterbike jacket slung over a chair, and Kyuubi, Naruto's mysteriously weird one-tailed fox that CAN'T teleport at all, asleep, on Naruto's orange quilt.

'Don't mind the mess...' Naruto abologised as Sasuke looked around, then stepped over some sort of piece of clothing and sat on the bed.

Sasuke was silent for quite some time.

'I'm sleeping... right here,' Sasuke streched out on the bed.

'You can have the floor.'

'I'm a Uchiha!'

'Who gives two shits?' Naruto retorted back, picking up Kyuubi and placing him on a pile of clothes. Kyuubi opened one lazy eye and fell back to sleep again.

Fighting raccoon dogs was hard work.

'Homework,' said Naruto brightly, looking under a pillow and finding some paper. He then switched a lamp on by his bed and pulling the covers off, sitting with his knees bent on the slightly hard but comfy matress.

'What is it?' Sasuke predicted something boring.

Naruto held up a page of gibberish.

'Its a essay on a subject we can discuss! Can be anything!'

'And yours... is?'

'Theory on why Pokemon is so long!' said a beaming Naruto who was seriously had pink sparkles going around his head.

'...Ok,' Sasuke managed to say without throwing something at Naruto. What idiot would do such a thing?

Sasuke happened to _like _Pokemon.

Sorry, _used to._

When he was eleven, or ten, or whatever age he had been, Sasuke used to be Pikachu, Itachi was Squirtle and Madara was Charmander. They would go to awesome places and throw pokeballs at eachother.

Until the 3rd season started.

'You like pokemon?' Naruto blinked innocently.

'N-n-no!'

'Aww. You're blushing.'

'I am not!'

'Ku ku ku!' Naruto sorted his pages around. 'Ok. You know in the first episode where Ash has an accident and slips into a coma? Well, he hasn't gotten out of the coma yet. He's in a dreamworld!'

Sasuke reminded himself that the next time he's in a coma, he better think of Pokemon.

'I need to think of something else now... about his teamates, how they represent Ash. I would go on the internet and look up eps on youtube, but I don't have the patience...'

'Madara has the bootleg versions of Pokemon up to season fourteen.'

See? Problem solved.

* * *

**(1) Is this a real coffee thingy? I mean, I'm bad at making coffee (and imfamous for it) two blacks... isn't that like 2 sugars half milk or something? I give up. Seriously. I hate coffee.**

**The Pokemon theory? Well its being going around the internets lately, I couldn't help putting it in BUT I couldn't remember if Ash did slip into a coma really or not and its impossible to find eps on youtube. So I'm going with the theory. And DON'T look up "2 girls 1 cup" WHATEVER YOU DO. **

**Yeah, you can try it if you want. **

**Just don't come back to me, whining about how your eyes are sore now. **

**Oh and be nice little cherups and REVIEW. I nearly have 4000 hits! Yay! **


	8. Teenage boys and hair dye

_(streches) ah, the joys of teacher strikes (relaxes). ...until I saw my teachers on the news holding boards and signs up.  
_

* * *

** Number 1: Teenage boys and hair dye equals not normal  
**

Here was Sasuke, and that blonde kid who's the main character of this story, Naruto, right now, by Naruto's kitchen sink.  
Why, may you ask?  
'Only one streak,' Sasuke warned, knocking the pernamenent blonde hair dye out the way of his face. The disguisting smell on amonia made him feel a little sick.

'Don't worry!' Naruto retreated, and was mixing the creamy brown paste on a plate, with plastic gloves on. 'It might not work, your hair is pretty dark I'll have to put extra on. Um, does the school forbid you to have hair dye?'

Sasuke shrugged. 'Dunno. I think Sakura Haruno dyed her hair.'

'I don't think so. Why would you dye your eyebrows with them as well?' Naruto had a feeling that Sakura's pink hair was natural, along with Karin's eyes that matched her red head, 'I would.'

'I wouldn't.'

'Course,' Naruto agreed, yanking Sasuke by the hair so he would be forced to have his chin up. 'We'll dye... one eyebrow-'

'No thanks,' Sasuke shook Naruto's hand out the way. He pouted, and Sasuke said, 'Why are we doing this again?'

'It's got two days till it expires-'

'No. WHY do you have blonde dye in the house when you are blonde, your mother is redhead, and whatever colour your father is?'

'He's blonde too,' answered Naruto cheerfully. 'But mum said he's slowly greying so she wants to dye his hair to the youthful colour he is, or was.'

Sasuke snorted. He sat reluctantly on a hair next to the sink, when Naruto was done mixing the paste.

'Why the fuck am I doing this...'

'It smells horrible, yes I know,' Naruto took a bit of Sasuke's hair and brushed on the dye, using a pastry brush he found in the kitchen drawers.

_ten minutes later_

'Stop grooming my hair! Its only in one place-'

'How about the eyebrows?'

'How about I die your hair black?'

'Done,' Naruto beamed at his own handywork, placing the half-empty dish in the sink. 'Now you have to wait for half an hour!'

'Finally,' Sasuke got up and streched. He would have to put up with hair dye smell for thirty minutes now.

Naruto washed the plate before Sasuke reached for it and dumped the rest of the dye on his head, and took off his gloves.

'Well, watcha wanna do?'

'...nothing.'

'Boring asshole.'

'Same goes to you.'

'Me!?' Naruto acted offended. 'I'm not boring!'

Sasuke had the urge to laugh. If Naruto wasn't boring, Sasuke wouldn't have a clue who he was and would be right now sleeping or something, and so they both agreed to go outside.

'Nice backyard,' Sasuke commented on the too-long lawn. 'If you had a housefire, the garden would help it nicely.'

'The lawn mower's broken.'

'You can borrow ours,' Auctually, it was the neighbors. It was a cool mower you could ride on, too.

'No thanks, I prefer messiness,' Naruto declined, using the rainwater tank to jump over the fence.

Sasuke remained put.

'I'm not going anywhere-'

'NIIIIIIIIIIIII-CHAN!'

** Number 2: Sometimes you can tell the difference between commoners and rich kids**

'KONOHAMARUUUUUUUU!' Naruto fell into leaves of his next door neighbours house. A boy, that looked a little younger then Naruto, got out the way just in time. If said boy did not get out the way, said boy would of gotten a broken leg or something. Said boy dropped his rake.

'Watch where you jump!'

'Geez, sorry,' Naruto got up and shook leaves off himself.

'Now I have to rake again!' scolded Konohamaru, not really noticing another person on the scene. 'Stupid old man that lives here is gonna pay me, y'know- HEY!'

Naruto had picked up a pile of leaves and thrown it at Konohamaru. Sasuke watched the scene with intrest, taking a note that Naruto was immature ninety-nine.nine percent of the time. The garden was now a mess. Sasuke raised one smooth eyebrow, making his face look a little puzzled.

Naruto caught sight of Sasuke, and threw his leaves away.

'Oh yeah... I forgot-'

'You _forgot_..'

'Yeah, but I haven't seen Konohamaru for a week...'

'I talked to you on messenger last night,' chirped in Konohamaru. 'Hey,' he nodded at Sasuke. 'I'm Konohamaru. Your name is?'

'...'

'Say something,' Naruto took the rake from Konohamaru and poked Sasuke with it. Sasuke ducked, as he was on the other side of the fence, Naruto merely banged the fencepost instead. 'Stop being all shy.'

'Uchiha Sasuke.' Sasuke didn't like Konohamaru. He didn't like that many people, for instance.

Sasuke had turned into PMSy-dark-mode with wet hair.

'Uchiha Sasuke...' said Konohamaru thoughtfully. 'So you say your surname first. Some people I know say their first names first. I say my first name first. Konohamaru Sarutobi BUT Sarutobi Konohamaru sounds better, don't cha think?'

At this, Sasuke checked his phone. It was nearly lunchtime. On a Sunday, too.

'I miss Konoha High School,' Naruto changed the subject. 'Is it still fun?'

'That english teacher with the funny eye has come back,' Konohamaru grinned, rounding the leaves up like a sheepdog. 'The one you threw food at.'

'You what?' Sasuke looked at Naruto, for an answer.

'So?' Naruto said hastily, 'I bet she returned cause I'm not there.'

'Quite so. There's been heaps of people trying to fill in your postion.'

'Anyone good?' Naruto tried not to snigger.

'Not really. Wanna come down to the school and tag for a while?'

'Tag?' asked Sasuke. At this, Konohamaru stared at him.

'...He doesn't even know what tag means? I'm guessing he's from your school.'

'He is,' Naruto agreed. 'We are dying some of his hair blonde.'

Konohamaru put his rake down and inspected Sasuke's hair. 'Don't look blonde to me. Sometimes when black haired people dye blonde it turns out a carmelly colour.'

'So thats why it isn't working right!' Naruto started to grin. 'Suck shi- OW!'

Sasuke jumped over the fence and punched him.

* * *

**Number 3: Don't look at pictures on hair dye. ITS ALL FAKE.  
**

'That hurt, you know!'

'Well you should of WARNED me that it was going to turn fucking orange!'

'It wasn't me!' Naruto freed himself from Sasuke's grip. 'Kono-'

'What does tagging mean?'

'WHAT? You _tried to beat me up _THEN asked me what tagging means!?' Naruto glared at him, shoving his hands in his pockets. 'I'm not telling now.'

'_Fine_.'

'So be it,' Naruto glimsped Sasuke's carmell-coloured streak out the corner of his eye.

* * *

**Number 4: Why do airplanes leave sometimes at 4 in the morning?**

'_But ya know it just can't be  
And if they try to stop us, Seaweed,  
I'll call the N Double A C P  
Cause the world keeps spinning  
Round and 'round  
And my heart's keeping time  
To the speed of sound  
I was lost til i heard the drums  
Then i found my way...'_

Madara's expression instantly went sour as he turned his music player off.

'GET UP. RIGHT NOW, YOU LITTLE SHIT OR I'LL EAT YOU!' Madara pulled the bed covers off and threw them on the floor. Sasuke, still asleep, reached out to find his lost for ever now heat source, but it didn't come...

Madara was in the process of getting water to throw over Sasuke (using his waste-paper bin) when Itachi, holding a mug of Iced-coffee heated up via the micriowave, decided to walk past at that very moment and saved Sasuke from possible hypotherima.

'Can't you be _nicer_!?' Itachi, suddenly severe, rounded on Madara, which was uncommon.

Madara was all teary-eyed when he threw the water out the window, somewhere underneath, a cat who had been prowling around the garden catch non-exsistant mice was suddenly drenched and ran away; Madara put the bin back and sat on Sasuke.

'I'm so sorry, Sasuke,' Madara didn't really sound very apologetic at all to the sleeping boy, 'But Fugaku is leaving to the airport for some random business trip and he wants us to go with him, its in half an hour SO. GET. THE. FUCK. UP.'

Sasuke made a faint gesture, obviously still asleep. His hand moved to the caramell-streak in his hair. Madara glanced at this new addition to Sasuke.

'Oi. What did you do to your hair?'

Sasuke made no response.

'He and his little friend Naruto did it. Isn't that so cute? He's made a little girl-friend at last,' Itachi pulled Madara off Sasuke to get to his brother. 'Here. This is easier...' Itachi tilted Sasuke's head forward, and placed his hands at the nape of his neck and dug his nails in.

'What's happening?' Madara hadn't seen this trick before. It wasn't really a trick, everyone has a weak spot in their bodies. Itachi just knew what buttons to push-

'A genetic trait in Uchiha's is that they have cold hands,' Itachi informed Madara casually, watching Sasuke in intrest thrash about. 'And a lot of people have a weak spot around their neck or upper back. It doesn't hurt him.'

Well, it does, but sleepy people usually aren't able to remember things like this until they are wide awake.

Sasuke, now fully alert, jerked upright and glared at Itachi and Madara.

'Who did it?' asked Sasuke fiercly, blinking sand out of his eyes. Madara felt his wrath and backed away.

'Why am I reminded of a bull at a rodeo?' he muttered, not before Sasuke jumped out of bed, right past the culprit and sprinted after Madara down the hallway, past Fugaku who was tying his black tie in front of a dusty mirror.

Sasuke chased the caveman-haired Madara twice around the house, and as expected, Madara ran into Itachi's room, glancing breifly over his left shoulder to see Sasuke lunging at him, but it was to late. Sasuke hit the cold bare floor, barely inches away from Madara's drainpipe jeans. Madara flashed him one smirk before locking the door on him.

'God. Fucking. Damnit.' Sasuke could hear Madara locking all the doors that when in and out of Itachi and Madara's bedroom.

'Language, Sasuke,' a stern voice told him Fugaku had finished inspecting his tie at last and now held a suitcase im one hand and a breifcase in the other.

_Mind your own business, _Sasuke though, getting up and dusting himself down. 'Sorry father. Madara or Itachi did something and I woke up-'

'I told Madara to wake you up.'

'At _this time _in the morning?'

'It's only 4am,' Fugaku corrected him. 'I have to be at the airport by 4:30, and please don't come with only your nightclothes on.'

Sasuke was only wearing boxers.

At this, Fugaku turned away and padded down the stairs. Sasuke flipped him off, sighed, and trudged back to his own room.

Itachi was still in Sasuke's room, coffee cup empty, sitting on his brother's bed, going through the music player Madara had dropped.

'You can get out now. I'm getting dressed.'

Itachi raised an eyebrow. 'This is a mystery.'

'What is a mystery?'

Sasuke didn't really care.

'This is mine and Mad's music player. I hid it on purpose so he wouldn't find it.'

'I didn't even know you had one.'

'Madara and I share,' Itachi was going through the songs. 'Madara's playlist... you know, he's got the whole Hairspray album on here?'

'Yep,' came a voice from the hallway. Madara leened casually on the wooden doordrame. 'Amanda Bynes is in it. She's hot.'

Sasuke ignored his relative and brother, putting on a red shirt with a three tomoe pattern, silk-screened black on the front. 'I thought you only had eyes for Itachi.'

'Why do you think I'm in Akatsuki?' Madara said curtly, going over and wrapping his arms around Itachi.

Sasuke shrugged. 'You are a good... entertainer?'

Madara nearly spluttered. 'I've neaver heard you, dear cousin, ever compliment me on my talents!'

'The only talent you have is having 50 different personalities. '

They glared at eachother, Sasuke reaching out to take a paur of black jeans that hung on his computer chiar, not taking off his boxers but pulling them over, and not taking his eyes of Madara.

Itachi swore he saw lightning bolts come out of Sasuke and Madara's eyes, he told his fishy friend Kisame via text message while Fugaku drive to the airport.

**Number 5: Pay attention to time tables**

It was now the lesson after recess, and Naruto was glad. While the blonde was filling his ramen cup with water to put in the canteen microwave, Madara had come to casually have a chat with "his dear friend Naruto, Sasuke's girlfriend!" Which, Madara sported a bruise on his arm where Naruto had clobbered and nearly burnt him. Madara would be in hospital now is he hadn't of been so "kind" to Naruto a week before.

Recess had ended with Naruto screaming, "_He's not my boyfriend!" _(so unlady-like, dontcha think) and Karin, who had happened to be walking (bitching) by with pink-haired Sakura, overheard this heated conversation and spat out a chunk of something that looked and tasted like apple puree.

Maths was one of Naruto's bad subjects. He knew what maths he would need in later life- just about everything that had been covered was not approved by Naruto. His maths teacher was Kakashi. And a really lazy one at that. Who the hell comes to school with a sick mask and an eye patch on everyday?

Kakashi does: He was curretnly busying himself by writing questions on the whiteboard with his right hand and reading an orange book with his left hand. Naruto clicked his pen impatietnly. This damn subject was a waste of time.

_Click. Click. Click. _

Naruto looked down glumly at his work. He'd drawn a fox and a few patterns on graph paper. He hadn't even ruled up yet. But his thoughts wern't with Kakashi and everyone else on 1-D- he had no thoughts, his mind was blank, paying no attention to the rest of the world, just staring into space. 1-D, the people in Naruto's class- he didn't even know who half of them were; they all acted the same anyway, like birds. Outside it was raining threads of water, quite slowly so the rain looked as lazy as Kakashi.

Speaking of Kakashi-

'Naruto, please tell me what is wrong with this poblem.' Kakashi didn't even turn around, so Naruto didn't reply.

'Answer me, Uzumaki.'

Naruto stared blanky at the board. -c-c-c-c-c-? The blonde scratched his head.

_Think, idiot. _

When Naruto provided no answers, Kakashi turned slowly around, walking up to his desk. A hand whipped out and took his graph book.

'Why do you have a maths book out? This is science.'

Oh.

Damn teacher.

Damn Naruto.

'Really?' was Naruto's repsonse.

'Dunno. It could be. What do you think?'

'The same as you.'

'And what would that be?' Kakashi put his book backed and placed his hand in his white science coat, holding _Icha Icha Voilence _in the other. His eyes occasionally flicked to it.  
Naruto still didn't get the drift.

'...Science?'

If Kakashi didn't cover his mouth, his lips would be curved into amusement.

'Stand outside, I will talk to you later.'

'I'll be fine, thanks,' Naruto said smoothly.  
A girl behind him poked him in the back with her pencil. 'Do what he says, Naruko.'

'DON'T CALL ME NARUKO!' said Naruto hotly.

Pigeons that had been hiding from the rain flew away, just then.

People that actually "wanted" to learn about carbon chains and so forth threw Naruto out. _Stupid assholes, _he thought, rubbing his shoulder, and slumping down on the cool lockers. It took him a while to realize that no one was around. His scowl was replaced with a grin as he got up and walked off, not caring if a teacher scolded him for being outside of class.

He stopped outside Kiba's classroom, who was having maths as well.

Kiba looked bored.

Naruto _was _bored.

Unfortunately... Ibiki was his teacher. Naruto didn't have Ibiki for any subject, thank god.

Lucky Naruto.

He wondered off to the library, or where the Nerd Confederation hanged out at every chance possible. It was warm there, at least, a change from the hallways. But all the books left Naruto feeling a little claustrophic.  
He found Sasuke at on of the computers. Sasuke was quite far away from his fellow classmates, a few girls would glance at him, but no further than that. Naruto took a random book from the nearest shelf, _Dragon Rider, _and drew up a chair to see what Sasuke was doing. Sasuke's dark eyes were fixed on the screen, tapping away on the keyboard.

'You can touch type?'

Sasuke turned his head to Naruto, looking obviously bored. The blonde sat up straight, flicking through _Dragon Rider _unintresdtly.

'What are you here for?'

Naruto turned his head to the side. 'I asked you first.'

'Yes,' answered Sasuke dully, his eyes returning to the screen. 'I can touch type.'

Naruto watched him type for a while, making Sasuke feel slightly uncomforatble, fidgeting with _Dragon Rider _leaving fingerprints on the printed pages.

'Got kicked out of class,' Naruto said at last.

'Who was your teacher?'

'Kakashi. Damn bastard!'

Sasuke pressed F7 and spell check came up. 'For what?'

'Doing nothing! He's an asshole!'

Sasuke turned to face Naruto. 'For no reason?'

'Like I said, I wasn't doing anything,' Naruto answered, chewing his fingernail. 'He didn't even look at me and knew I wasn't doing anything!'

'He's got eyes at the back of his head. Go back to class.' Sasuke saved his work and printed it out, three pages worth on Shinobi Wars in History. 'And what do you want me to do about it?'

'I didn't say anything about you doing something...' Sasuke logged off, was about to leave when Naruto grabbed his wrist.

'Wait - '

Blue met black.

'Madara,' Naruto looked away suddenly, feeling ambarrased. 'At recess. He... he thinks I'm you girlfriend now!'

Sasuke smirked. Oh how he could predict Madara's antics. Sasuke would make an excellent gypsy one day.

'But I know you are.'

And he patted Naruto on the head, and moved on.

'You ASSHOLE!' Naruto yelled at him, even though they were in a library, 'I'm getting a divorce NOW!'

_Jesus, can't he even take a joke? _Sasuke ducked when _Dragon Rider _was thrown at him, the plastic cover coming off. Uchihas cracking jokes?

Hm.

Possible.

* * *


	9. T is for Tobi

* * *

Sorry this is a fast update.Its a short chapter because I was laughing while writing this and wanted to post it anyway.

**Chapter (too short for Happyhatt's standards) Nine:  
T is for TOBI**

* * *

Deidara (insert non-exsistant surname here), ex-Iwahagkureain, a pupil at Konoha High School Academy, had been helping the art teacher put away art supplies (and ocassionaly put a brush in his pocket) after school, which made him late for the Akatsuki's meeting. Today, they were meeting the _other _host club, e.g. the Konoha Hostess Club, for a meeting together. FOr the next week, they would be hosting together because (not mentioning any names... Naruto) managed to take a hinge of the door (first ignored), break the chandelier (he threw a tennis racquet at Kiba and missed by about 360 degrees) and spill some sort of acid on the floor (something Naruto did in science with Kakashi, hid the beaker till after school, took it to the clubrooms because it was pretty and shiny looking to show Hinata and ex-crush Sakura and tripped over a burnt a hole in space-time continum, or so Naruto said, but it was just the clubroom floor). Which, naturally, Karin chucked a fit and took all of Naruto's debt money for repairs. The incidents were of course acidents, now Naruto wished he knew Jiraiya's credit card number.

During the last month, Naruto seemed to be accident prone, with all these little accidents and so forth, and what really bothered him was that Sasuke refused to sign the divorce papers Naruto had made himself on Microsoft Publisher. But that wasn't all.

The whole school was baffled that Itachi's little brother, known for not speaking to that many people and had a cold aura around him, he managed to make such a close friend, and a girl at that, but still "didn't divorce her yet". Put that aside, Naruto had managed to score a crush on Sakura Haruno after seeing her topless in the girl's bathroom, which was shortened when Sakura punched him. She wasn't in a good mood that day. Then, someone in Naruto's class called Haku seemed to take an interest in Naruto ('_You are not like other people... Naru-chan_') who was dressed in female clothing. Naruto got all excited over it till Sasuke mentioned that Haku was a guy in girl's uniform.

Naruto nearly died.

Madara was gleeful at that.

Speaking of Madara...

Deidara cursed many uns when he reached his locker to put his books in. Some dickhead had switched his lock with Sasori's, whose locker was next to his. It was one of those little combination locks. His first thought was of course Madara, but somehow it had gotten to that little girl that hanged around with Itachi's ice brother/prince/prick, a blonde kid called Naruto. That little brat squirted Deidara with her water pistol everyday down the hallway. Deidara thought that Naruto must tease him for having a high ponytail or curious ending sentence habit.

But Deidara was too much of a selfish person to realize the little shit did it to everyone, even Kakashi, which Naruto got him in the eye. He sighed and opened Sasori's locker, and placed his books with his instead.

Sasori wouldn't mind.

He hoped.

Their first-year anniversary was coming up soon so they didn't need to fight.

* * *

The hostess club hadn't arrived yet. Kisame and Sasori were placing extra furniture (provided by the hostess club) in no partciluar arrangement all around the clubroom. Zetsu was talking animatedly to himself about his two new black and white cats, Ze and Tsu, Hidan was reading the Jashin bible (ordered off the internet for nine-ninety-five plus a twenty for shipping) Madara, flat on his front with Itachi, Kakuzu and Hidan sitting on him to keep him from moving.

Madara looked hungry for something.

Nope, scratch that.

_Bloodthirsty_.

Kisame had locked the doors in and out, hid the keys in his pocket to prevent Madara's urge to get to Deidara. This "urge" had started before lunchtime, almost to the point of insanity, so Itachi drove him home but he turned up again at half-past three.

The others hadn't told (bothered) Deidara to keep away either.

Madara was holding his pencil sharpener. He'd trapped a fly in it and held the sharpner like L did with newspapers in Death Note, up to his eyes. He watched the fly hungrily, pretending Deidara was the fly and he was the pencil sharpener. Madara seemed to also be muttering, "Sempai, sempai...' under his breath.

'Itachi,' Kakuzu now said in a serious tone, 'I really think you should get Madara checked out at the doctors...'

'Why are you sitting on my ass, 'kuzu? I'll only let Itachi do tha- OW!' Itachi hit him and pulled his hair back.

'I've had enough of you today. Say one more pervy word and you will _not _be able to spend time with Deidara when he gets here,' Itachi threatened him, whispering into his ear.

'But I want sempai now!'

'No sempai here, so shut the fuck up,' Hidan answered without looking up from his bible. His free hand was clasped lovingly to his chest, going over a scar right over his heart where he had attempted to sacrfice his sonofabitch neighbour and woke up a week later in hospital. 'Stop calling him sempai. You are older than him, so it should be Deidara-chan, cause he looks like a girl.'

'Since when did you use honorifics, Hidan?' asked Kakuzu in seriousness. 'Very out-of-character, you are-'

'The correct _term_ is OOC,' Madara interupted. 'Don't you READ fanfiction?'

Whatever the hell that was, nobody in the room had any idea.

'Where on earth did you get _that _from?'

'Fanfiction dot net. It's bookmarked in tinyURL format on the school's public server named as "Suna desert tourism". Its blocked but I bypassed it using a anonymous proxy...' Madara began to say. Itachi raised an eyebrow. They had both been at computers today, and that was before lunchtime, too.

Itachi knew in his heart that Madara couldn't help but be smart when he went nuts.

Not that smart, though.

'Today, I am rated T,' Madara continued. 'T... for **Tobi**.'

'Your name is Madara, dipshit.'

'Its not! I'm Tobi. My NAME is Tobi.'

The door knob rattled.

'Hey-' Deidara's voice came from the other side, 'Huh? Why's it locked, un?'

'SE-' Madara managed to squeak out but Itachi placed a hand around his mouth. The door rattled a bit.

Everyone was deathly quiet.

Silence.

'Anyone there, un?'

Sasori dropped the chair he was holding on Kisame's foot and called out to Deidara: 'Deidara... I suggest not coming in.'

Madara was trying to get up slowly without (and failing) getting Itachi, Hidan, or Kakuzu to notice.

'It isn't my brithday today, un. The girls are coming, you should know.'

There was footsteps, and more people had came to join Deidara.

Kisame handed the keys to Sasori, who slowly went up to the door and took one glance at Tobi-ex-Madara's hungry face as he unlocked it.

The door was shoved open.

'What'didya lock it for?' Naruto stepped out, followed by the other girls. They filed in: Karin, Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Hinata and Ino. His demanding face fell on Madara, who was on the floor. 'Why's he on the ground with you guys on top of him?'

This new distraction earnt Tobi (née Madara) a few moments of time.

In a flash he had bucked off all three of his captors and moved towards them.

'Out the way, blondie,' he snarled at Naruto, who ducked, Madara jumping over him. 'Now. Where's sempai!?'

Deidara was hiding behind Tenten. The girls and Naruto moved away, leaving poor Deidei behind to fend for his life. He backed against the wall, wondering how the fuck he gotten into this mess. Madara licked his lips and twidded his fingers in the oh-so-mr-burns fashion and lunged at him.

'What the-'

'Sempai!' it sounded like a command. 'Hold it!'

They were both circling eachother like one was an enemy from a hunter tribe and the other wanted the latter for dinner.

'Who the hell made him spastic?' Deidara dropped his school bag next to Sasori's, not taking his eye(s) off the enemy.

Naruto made himself comfortable in a chair, picked up Hidan's Jashin bible and began reading. On the front was a sticker that read, _'Exclusive! Free Death note pages on page 17!_'

'What do you want, un!?'

'A little bit of this, a little bit of that,' Madara licked his lips slowly. 'So I'll do a little of this-' he swayed his hips.'And more of this, heh...' He waggled his eyebrows.

'What if I won't let you, eh?' Deidara retorted back.

'I'll trash your precious sculptures, sempai,' he answered calmly. He shook off Kisame and Zetsu who were trying to restrain him from reaching his target. Itachi was just shaking his head.

'Should I stop him?' he asked Hidan.

Hidan shrugged, arms folded over his chest. 'Beats me.'

Deidara narrowed his eyes. 'You wouldn't _dare_.'

'Unless you don't give me what I want, sempai, I would.'

Deidara rolled his eyes, still circling. 'Snap out of it, won't you?'

Karin made herself a cup of tea and sat down, watching the two.

It was mere unluck that at that very moment, Deidara slipped on a banana peel.

Madara made a moved and ran to him just before he hit the ground.

'Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeempai!' He cuddled his prey like a teddy bear.

'Madara. Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me. Un.'

When Madara refused to let go, Deidara yelled out, "SASORIIIIIII!'

Sasori turned around. 'Not now, I need to discuss arrangements with Karin...' he turned back to the frame-wearing girl. 'So how long will the repairments take?'

'About a week or so,' Karin replied, flashing a dirty look at Naruto. Naruto was reading all the people Hidan had sacrificed in his book.

'Madara, you can let go of him now,' Itachi shook the man. 'Don't worry,' he said to Deidara, who was looking like a porcelain doll, 'I'll be your saviour.'

Deidara made no attempt to reply as he was getting suffocated by Madara, who was stroking his hair like Deidara was a cat.

'Sempai... sempai...' he crooned, totally ignoring the fact Deidara had bit him on the arm, 'Sempai... sempai...'

'You can let go of him now,' Itachi dug his nails into Madara's grip. 'Or I'll get...'

'Get what... sempai... sempai...'

'The _magazine_.'

'What magazine... sempai... sempai...'

'I'll get it from Kisame's bag... its a porn magazine with girls in it...'

Madara dropped Deidara immediatly.

'WHAT? NO! DON'T! I'LL BE GOOD TO SEMPAI!'

Deidara shot a filthily look at Madara and flounced off next to Naruto.

'That was strange,' Naruto said to him without looking up from Hidan's book. 'Why do is say Madara Uchiha and your name on these pages?'

Deidara looked over. 'Oh. That's Hidan's death note thingy, un. It doesn't work.'

'What's a death note?'

Deidara shrugged. 'Dunno.'

'_Why _does it have my name on it?'

'Dunno.' He repeated again. Deidara turned around just in time to see Madara draping himself over his shoulders. '_Back. _Off.'

'Make me,' Madara kissed him on the cheek. 'You're mine...'

'I'm taken...'

Wait, say that again?

'What?' Madara sounded horrified. 'You never told me!'

'Everyone knows, let go of me now.' Madara retracted himself, and set his eyes on Naruto.

'Naruto... Naruto...'

'Run, blondie,' Deidara warned.

Naruto didn't need to be told twice. He dropped the bible on the ground and missed Madara swooping in on him by inches.

'I'll be back!' he said quickly, running out the doors, Madara chasing after him. Naruto went down two flights of stairs, looking hoplessly for a savour... but it didn't come...

_I'm gonna die as a girl getting eaten by a caveman-haired weirdo! Who looks like someone from a visual kei band and it just as hot as Sasuke... _

NO, Naruto _did not just _say that in his head. No, no, NO way!

Naruto was counting his life span minutes and tried to get in the girl's bathroom. It was a common rule that guys don't go into girl's toilets and vice versa. It was locked. Shit.

He thought it was the end of it when he bumped into a certain dark haired someone just outside the library.

'Hide me!' Naruto managed to yell. 'He's coming!'

'Who is?'

'The monster!'

'Who's the...' Sasuke narrowed his eyes as Madara turned towards them.

'Hello... dear cousin...' Madara held out a hand. 'Nice to met you. Don't be shy, all I want is Naruto...'

'Who made him like this?' Sasuke hissed at Naruto, who was behind him.

'I don't know! He wanted Deidara and now he wants me!'

_So he'll be after Ino next. _

Sasuke knew about Madara's obsession with shiny and bright hair.

'Come on... give her to me. Now.'

'She's mine,' said Sasuke coolly. 'I'm her boyfriend, aren't I?'

'No, you aren't-'

'See? She's TAKEN.' snapped Sasuke.

Madara crossed his arms. 'Can't you... share?'

'No.'

'I am going to KILL you for this,' Naruto hissed in Sasuke's ear. Sasuke flashed him a smirk. Madara looked at them thoughtfully.

'Should be settle this with a thumb war?'

'Over my dead body.'

'Pinkie war, then?'

'No-' Madara knocked Sasuke out the way and grabbed at Naruto's shirt. Sasuke fell on the pavement, he swore he had done something to his wrist. He moved it, to see if it was twisted. It was fine. Sasuke got up again, quickly.

Madara and Naruto were gone.

--

* * *

For Madara, think of that rusty fingers flash (or is salad fingers? I can't remember) and the main character is this alien thing which he has a sick obsession for rusty spoons and keeps stroking the spoons. Freaky stuff. I'm scarred for life.


	10. ARG ME HEARTIES

**Arg me hearties. Arg. -raise sword- SET SAIL FOR ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PIECE oh god I hate that show. Um... this is the only fic I've seen so far with Madanaru and Madasasu in it. Yeah, happy reading.**

* * *

_Konoha High School Academy, nurse's office. _

'Don't tell me... you've lost _him!?' _Itachi said to Sasuke, sounding horrified. Sasuke was dabbing water on his his arm to clean the mess up. He'd scraped it pretty badly when Madara had pushed him over, and took Naruto with him.

'He seriously needs help, that asshole,' Sasuke ripped a couple of bandaid wrappers apart furiously part. Itachi crossed his arms and stared out the window. 'Since you're closest to him, you should know where he'd go.'

'You read my mind.'

'I'm your brother, I'm supposed to,' Sasuke applied the last bandaid to his arm and put the wrappers in the bin, and got off from the sick bed, streching. 'Has he got his phone on him?'

'It's broken; I'm not buying him another. How about Naruto?'

'It went off in her schoolbag,' said Sasuke. Although Uchihas remain clam and indifferent on the outside, there are thost inviduals of the Uchiha family tree that don't do this, (shocking, isn't it?) or lose control internally. Right now Sasuke was throwing a hissy fit about HOW DARE Madara TAKE THAT WASN'T HIS. Madara should give the blonde back BEFORE SASUKE RIPPED HIS THROAT APART, technically speaking, or have him guts for garters.

Inner-Sasuke was throwing kunai (e.g japanese garden tools) with a microchip installed into the blade so it reacts to where Madara was, hit him in the head fair and square, which, whereever the visual-kei haired guy was, Sasuke and Itachi had no idea. Outer-Sasuke remained impassive, walking out the door behind his brother.

'Have you looked everywhere around the school?'

'Yes, little brother.'

So where the hell were they?

Bingo. Idea.

'How many clubs are on today...' Sasuke headed to a pin up board right outside his homeroom, which students put their own notices up. A table showing which clubs were on today, which were not. The Host Clubs ran every day unless they put a notice up that they were not around today. Other clubs, such as maths, beyblade tortunment, computer clubs, etc ran mondays, thurdsdays, fridays or something along those lines. The paper was bright pink, not hard to miss.

'There's only 3 other clubs on today...' Itachi, being a tad taller than his brother, reached over the top of Sasuke's shoulder and unpinned the notice. 'Pirate, mechanical and computer... From what I know, the pirates are quite good at finding things. Hm. Room 26...'

Itachi let out a groan (internally). He had a bad relationship with, not the computer club, but the club next door, the Pirate club. Madara had fights with them and he (Itachi) ended up the one having to break up the fight. The people that were in that particular club went from nice people in the day to serious-pirates after school. Kinda like alter-egos, you know? Sasuke and Itachi started their way to Room 26, while that was happening, Itachi's phone went off (_"You'll be my American boy..."_) and was told that there was still no sign of Naruto or Madara.

Karin had gone home, and the other hostesses were kind enough to help the others find Madara and Naruto. So was the host club. The Host club were looking outisde the school, the hostess club were looking around the school, which meant the way of communication was that one of them had to have Itachi or Sasuke's number.

If Karin was there, she would of been ecstatic.

The two brothers opened the door and stepped onto the bridge that led them to the South Wing of Konoha High School Academy. Still no you-know-who.

'Arg!'

Itachi froze.

Sasuke froze.

'Arg!'

There it was again.

'ITACHI, ARG!'

Itachi slowly turned around to see five men about to draw their swords, 'You wanted me, captain?'

_Yes, play the game of pirateness till they go away. _

'Its _Captain Genma, _arg!'

'...Captain Genma... arg,' said Itachi polietly, trying not to lash out at Genma. He was wearing tradiotnal red pirates clothes stolen from the drama room which a real parrot on his shoulder, a (fake) golden ring in his ear and an eyepatch. 'Have you seen Madara or a girl called Naruto?'

'What do they look like, arg?'

'Madara's in our class, you would know him. Naruto has blonde hair, 3 marks on each cheek, hangs around with my brother...'

'Don't mention my name...'

'We are talking about you, not to you. Madara... well, you saw what he was like before lunchtime, you were there I think. He has taken Naruto.'

'Has he had his way with Captain Deidara, arg?'

'... Kind of. Then he went onto Naruto instead, I think its because she's Sasuke's little friend. But I'm not sure.'

'Arg. You says Naruto's a girl, arg?'

'Well, she is, isn't she?' Itachi looked at Sasuke. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

'You don't know half the story...' he said without Itachi hearing.

'I thought Madara didn't swing that way, arg...'

'He's bi. Why do you think he's in the host club, captain?'

'Because you're in it... arg... Well me 'earties, you learn some'fin new every-a-day,' the parrot chirped. Genma raised his sword. 'What do you think, pirates!? Should we help them on their noble quest in the name of the treasure!?'

'...What treasure?' Sasuke's eyes darted around, looking for blonde.

'The girl, the long lost island princess of course! Arg!'

Sasuke glowered. 'You can't have her!'

'Share, why don't cha, arg?'

'No.' said Sasuke shortly. 'Come on, Itachi, lets go.'

'PIRATES!' Captain Genma waved his sword around. 'SET SAIL. LET US FIND THIS GIRL AND HER KIDNAPPER! ARG!'

Captain Genma rushed past, four others tailing him, one with a wooden leg.

'Fucking pirates...' Itachi rarely ever did swear, but he really meant it this time.

Sasuke agreed with him.

* * *

_The Uchiha residence. _

'Wanna play Grand theft auto, Naruto?'

'Can I go home now?'

'...Spyro? Narutimate Accel 2? Harry Potter? Sims? Racing Alley, Mario kart?' Madara discarded video games onto his bed, which Naruto was sitting on, looking utterly bored.

'Why am I here again?'

Madara chuckled. 'First off, Sempai is good at games. Secondly, he's blonde. Thirdly off, Sasuke took my wii to your place sometimes ago and apparently you are good at games. Forthly, you are blonde.'

'What's wrong with being blonde?'

'They have more fun; but do they know it?' Madara took one look at _The Legend of Zelda _and chucked it behind his back, missing Naruto by inches.

It didn't take Naruto long to get the joke. 'Jerk.'

'Thats nice.' Madara fished out the last video game, looked at it and placed it on the bed as well. 'I want to dye my hair blonde, because they have more fun, yet they don't kn-' He was cut short as Naruto hit him across the head.

'Shut up, that isn't true.'

'I was _joking_.'

Naruto huffed and crossed his arms, and stared at his relflection in a mirror opposite him, 'I left all my stuff at school. They would be looking for me now.'

'And...?'

'They will kill you for this.'

'And so they shall,' Madara agreed. In the end he chose Mario kart, and tossed Naruto a wii remote.

'First to ten?'

'First to five, I'm hungry.' At the word hungry, Naruto's stomach groaned. 'For ramen. You like ramen?'

'Its alright. I'm more of a fish person.'

Naruto shifted on the bed, found himself looking at the DVDs, most of them Disney, and on the other side of the bed was just a lamp and drawers.

'...So you share with Itachi...'

'Yep.'

'But he's your _cousin_, right? I mean... I don't really know anyone that sleeps with their cousins...'

'So?' Madara pressed start and waited for the game to load. 'Sasuke in particular has a problem with it. I don't think he likes me that much. I'm not that sure if he has a problem with it. His dad knows but hasn't done anything about it.' Naruto wrote in his name and selected Princess Peach for a character. 'Now you know. You have a problem with that?'

It would have to take a bit to adjust to.

'Don't you know the risks?'

'...example?'

'HIV. STDS. We don't go to school for nothing. We learn about these things so they don't happen to us in the future.' Naruto felt himself heating up when he mentioned not going to school for nothing. If he hadn't been forced to go to school, if he had a choice, he would of quit long ago.

Madara was silent for a while. He chose Luigi, apparantly thinking hard. 'So you are saying me and Itachi should get our health checked?' he chose his words very slowly, thinking of his lover. 'I do remember him saying something about going to the doctors all because I wanted Sempai.'

The carts lined up; a flag on the screen sprung to life and proclaimed in bright flashing red: _3, 2, 1. START! _

Naruto was immdeiatly in the lead, Madara tailing along after him in 3rd place, in between was Mario. Donkey Kong suddenly knocked Luigi out of the way as the carts turned the corner, knocked Mario out of it nearly completly and chased after Princess Peach, tailing so close to eachother...  
'Don't you fucking dare...' Naruto's eyes were set on the game. He was in to win, even if it meant to _kill_. He dodged a banana peel, losing .5 of a second. Luigi gained his postion, in 2nd place now. The game, they were head to head, Naruto imagined the crowd cheering when he won 1st place, Sasuke to give him his trophy and kiss him on the hand.

_Bad thought, bad thought, Naruto, _Madara's gaining. Naruto saw the green icon of Luigi slowly overtake- when it stopped.

_Why the fuck did he stop for? _Before Naruto could turn to see what Madara was doing, a hand roughly pressed to his mouth and the other to his eyes, yelping, the remote fell out of Naruto's hand, and Madara pressed his chest on Naruto's back.

Surprised at Madara's antics, Naruto's immediate reaction was to try and pry the fingers off his face. Even more was that even though Naruto was strong, Madara was even more so. He chuckled at Naruto's attempts of defence. The eldest Uchiha bent forward and whispered into the blonde's ear, 'I've been thinking about you.'

'Don't rape me,' was Naruto's instant response, but all he managed was 'mph kmph' due to the hand sealing his mouth.

'Oh, but that can be Sasuke's job,' whispered the husky voice, guessing accruatly what the boy had said to him, the hand capturing Naruto's lips breaking free and coming to rest at his shoulder. 'Like I said, I've been thinking about you. The way you and Sasuke act. You see, not that many people can break into his heart like that-'

'He's a friend.'

'But he's also a Uchiha.'

'So?'

'So?' Madara repeated, his hand moving from Naruto's shoulder to the back of his neck, stroking the very hair Naruto had straightened today, 'Uchiha's, even though I admit to being one, are heartless pricks and for those that can near said Uchihas without such an icy stare pinpointed into their thin skulls, breaking the sharp ice that Uchihas try and place around them since the moment they were born, I'd say thats a pretty amazing feat, don't you think?'

'Whats the point of this again?' Naruto stopped struggling.

Madara's grip tightened. 'I think there's something rather special about you. Obviously Sasuke's keeping a secret-'

'Sasuke's got other friends. Neji, Sai, Shikamaru-'

'He's known them since kindy. Their fathers do major businesses, sometimes joining together to sell and such. Do you know people like that?'

'What about _your _parents, Madara?'

'What parents?'

Naruto didn't have the time to say anything when one slipped a cold hand under his shirt. He squeaked, and turned a rather red colour. Madara had stopped being an asshole for this moment, he had started to be a an asshole-three-times-more.

'Get off,' the blonde recovered from his near heart attack. Both hands reached out a pulled, which resulted in Madara biting him on the ear. Madara's hand flatted on his chest and started to move further south...

Naruto closed his eyes, not making much difference as Madara had his hand over them. The hand lifted, Naruto feeling cool air rush to his heated skin. The offending arm clasped itself around his waust, making him press even more into Madara. At least Naruto could see now; Princess Peach and Luigi tied for last place. The hand on his chest crept down to the nipple, making Naruto squirm.

'These aren't breasts, aren't they?' He continued to stroke. Naruto let out a sigh. He was cornered by the very person he did not want to find out about his true identiy, currently behind him, barely an inch away.

The blonde shook his head in defeat.

'I'll be damned,' Madara breathed. 'You had me and 'Tachi fooled, and life is going to be ten times more fun now. So you wern't Sasuke's little girlfriend, more of a boyfriend.'

Naruto swivled around as much as he could around to see Madara's eyes blinking innocently at him. He looked at lot like Sasuke. The three of them could of easily been brothers together. 'What do you mean, ten times more fun?'

'You see... I like guys. But I also like girls. And you go to school every day, in a girls uniform, something that I wished Itachi started to do, and you're also a guy, and a friend of Sasuke's...' The hand around Naruto's waist skimmed across the elastic of the blonde's skirt, and now Naruto wished he followed his mother's words and stopped biting his fingernails, then he could pinch the crap out of Madara.

'Just because I'm Sasuke's friend, doesn't make you mine,' said Naruto in a brave voice, 'Friends don't go around and kidnap people.'

'Well when I ask if they want to play games with me, they say no.'

'Have you ever tried _asking?_'

'No?'

Naruto felt like a teacher.

'So what do I say?'

'You say, "do you want to play a game after school with me?"' Madara had the deceny to reach for a pen lying on his desk and use to hand that wasn't trapping Naruto, and shake one of the covers of his games off and written down what the blonde had just said to him. 'You know, anyone would of told you that...' Madara hugged him hard and auctually kissed him on the cheek, which Naruto used his shoulder to rub it off.

'My kisses are permanent,' he winked.

'Not in my book. Can you let go of me now?'

'Just one more thing...' he placed a hand on Naruto's skirt, 'I can give you pleasure... for free-'

'NO!'

Madara burst out laughing. 'I'm joking. The only person I'll ever do that to is Itachi!'

'I didn't need to know that either. You know who I am now, you don't need any more evidence.'

'I'm gonna laugh when your voice breaks, you know.'

'Asshole.'

'What? Its completly normal for someone your age. It doesn't look like it, but I shave. Itachi shaves. I know Sasuke shaves, cause he hasn't got a snail trail or underarm hair.'

'So?' Naruto found himself saying. Madara let him out of his captivity and sprung off the bed.

'First to five, wasn't it?'

'I'm hungry. I don't want to play anymore.'

'Yeah, me too. Can you cook?'

'A bit...' Naruto was suddenly suspscious. 'Why?'

Madara clapped his hands together. 'I can't cook to save my life. Do you like cooking?'

'...Not really.'

'Aw, damn. You could cook for me and Itachi sometime-'

'I'm not a slave,' Naruto saw that his top had been raised when he went past the mirror, exiting the room. His reflection blinked back at him, his blonde hair in a mess. He flattened it. 'You made my hair messy, asshole. You practiaully tried to molser me.'

'Mine's normally like that. Build a bridge and get over it, I'd say.'

* * *

Sasuke and the pirates stopped in front of the Uchiha Residence. Sasuke slapped a hand to his forehead. _Why _hadn't they looked here yet for Madara and Naruto?

'So if the girl, isn't here, arg, we will have to get our telescopes out, arg.'

'Captain, sir!' a young pirate with a wooden leg heartdly called out, 'Is this is X?'

'Arg!'

Sasuke presumed this meant "Yes" If Naruto wasn't here... Kushina would have to be contacted. It was nearly 7 at night, and the street lamps had started to lighten up. Kushina would proberly be pissed off, knowing her.

The pirates walked (sailed) their way across the garden, pulling out their sords and slwly creeping towards the door, as if it was going to erupt into flames any minute now.

Captain Genma very bravely clutched the bronze doorknob (_drumroll...)_

And opened the door.

'Arg, the door is open, therefore target is in here, arg.'

_Maybe Madara forgot to lock the door when Itachi took him home in the afternoon? _Sasuke went in first.

Yep. They were here. Sasuke heard voices from the kitchen.

'...Now, I'll just have to screw it a little tighter...'

'Ahh. I see what you're doing now. Can I do it to?'

'We'll screw it together. It'll be a little hard and a bit risky...'

Sasuke, Captain Genma and the pirates burst into the kitchen. Sitting on the kitchen table, was Madara, who was leaning againest the microwave, which had been moved. Naruto sat in one of the chairs, a screwdriver in each hand, fixing the _fucking _microwave.

The two of them looked suprised to see them there. Sasuke had never felt so angry for a long time.

'What the fuck did you steal Naruto for!?'

'Arg, Captain Sasuke! Have we found the treasure!?'

'First off,' the raven turned and glared at the crew. 'Genma, _you are not a pirate_. Its way past club time, you should all be home by now.'

'Aye, aye, captain...' Genma took his hat and eyepatch off. He looked like a different person. He winked at them all. 'Guess you are right. Come on, guys. Lets nick off to a underage legal bar or something!'

With a wave, the ex-pirates disappeared.

Sasuke turned back to the two. 'You stupid assole, Madara. We were close to getting the police onto you! Do you have any idea how worried everyone was?'

'Nope. Say, Naruko's-'

'Don't call me that. You know I'm a guy now, don't rub it in!'

When Naruto said those words, the anger inside Sasuke reached boiling point (for a Uchiha).

'What did he do?'

'Well, you sound concerned,' Madara chuckled, and Sasuke moved over to where they were, 'You don't lose it that often, y'know.'

'I don't care,' Sasuke shook Madara roughly by the clothes, 'Naruto. What. Did. He. Do?'

'Like I said to Sempai before-'

'Shut up. I'm talking to Naruto.'

Naruto put his screwdriver down and stared at Sasuke's face. ''We went to his room... play about a minute of Mario Kart... erm...' Naruto bit his lip and looked over at Madara, who was looking at his purple fingernails, as if in return. 'Well... how can I put it...'

'I touched him,' said Madara as smoothy as if it was one of the most normal things in the world. 'So "she" is a "he", eh? lovely friend you have there, Sauske...'

'You WHAT?' Sasuke reached out to slap Madara on the face, put it was blocked. 'WHY?'

'Relax, it was nothing life-threatning. We all know perfectly well you've never made a female friend. Why do you think Itachi had that bet with you in the first place? You lost, you have to spend your time with the hostess club girls, so why take in the girl that acts more of a something between cross genders? Do you remember the chat Fugaku had with us about relationships?'

'Which one?' There were many, which Sasuke had tuned out on. Naruto was looking at one to the other, not bothering to cut in. The truth was, he was on Sasuke's side of the arguement, but he was too hungry, and being hungry meant that for Naruto, nothing else mattered in the world unless he stomach was invovled.

'The one about having kids.'

'I must of stopped listening by then,' Sasuke crossed his arms over and waited for Madara's answer. The clock over the mantlepiece was ticking away annoyingly, making Sasuke want to throw it in the bin. 'But tell me what I missed.'

'He said, it doesn't matter if its you or Itachi, one of you has to have kids. If you both turn out to be gay, he isn't going to be happy at all, so you, Sasuke Uchiha, are pretty much fucked.'

'What about you, then? You can't go off and marry Itachi, can't you?' his voice was getting louder.

'Dunno. I haven't looked at the laws yet. I don't think cousins marrying each other is exactly... legal. I'll have to to check. But you and Naruko can get married...'

Sasuke nearly spluttered. 'What is it with you- and those around that put me up with him so frequently?'

'Thou heart calls for the other frequently; but like it or not, everyone has a diferent opionion of the world,' Madara went from Shakespshereish to snappish within on sentence, 'I wonder how many times you have to be told, you befriend little Naruko here-'

'Its Naruto.'

'-You auctually making a new friend is one of the most oddest myserties on this planet. No offense, but you act like a real prick, though hot at the same, like Itachi in bed. I'm not stupid, you know.'

'You act _fucking _stupid most of the time.'

'I can't help it-'

'CAN YOU TWO JUST SHUT THE _FUCK _UP!' Naruto burst out, getting up. Both Uchihas stopped fighting to stare at the blonde in surprise. 'I'm hungry. You siad they were going to call the police? Why haven't you, bastard, called the others to tell them I'm safe and sound?'

Sasuke blinked once, then twice.

'I would of if Madara hadn't made more drama,' Sasuke flipped opened his phone and put in Itachi's number and held the phone to his ear.

'You are acting overprotective, Sasuke,' said -now-i-am-a-parent-so-i-will-lecture-my-child-now Madara.

'...' Sasuke drummbed his fingers on the kitchen table, ignoring Madara's last statement. Itachi's voice was heard on the other end, Madara snatched the phone from Sasuke's grip and turned it upside down. 'Whats this about Sas calling the police or something?'

Naruto heard yelling from a usually-calm Itachi. Madara only nodded and went 'uh-huh' and 'yep' at the correct time to say it, and slowly, but surely, Itachi calmed down, and then Madara hung up. He pokceted the phone instead of giving it back to its rightful ownder. Naruto picked up the screwdriver again.

'Itachi's relieved. He's brigning your bag home. He says that thanks to me, we lost a day in schedule. Oh, and he says I'm going to get "punished" for this apparently.'

Sasuke and Naruto did not want _to know_ what that punishment was, either.

'Oh, and Sasuke...' Madara reached over, a hand streched out, pulled the other Uchiha by the collar roughly, who was caught bu surprise, Madara's lips againest his.

Naruto nearly dropped the screwdriver. He saw Sasuke's eyes widen and gripped his fists rather tightly. Madara forced his tounge throught the other Uchiha's mouth, and it was like a game of one-sided tonsil hockey. Naruto could only gape. Madara let go of his prisnor who backed away with a rather unreadable expression on his face.

'Damnit, you bite my tounge,' Madara said listlessly, licking his lips, tasting for blood, 'That hurt.'

Staring at his cousin for a few seconds, he had turned to his blonde friend. He'd gone from angry to startled, the dark grey eyes reduced to nothing.

Something uncurled in Naruto, the feeling of horror could of infllamed him. They stared at eachother.

'I'm going to my room.' Sasuke walked out. Naruto could only look on helplessy, his legs seemed to not want to move, but they still didn't even budge went he could hear Sasuke moving up the stairs.

Madara was still checking for blood. Naruto snapped out of it and came crashing back to earth. 'What did you do that for? Madara shrugged.

'I have my reasons.'

'Tell me.'

'Really?'

'Yes, then I'm going to see Sasuke. Why did you do it? Whats wrong with you!?'

Madara was silent for a few minutes. Within the time, Naruto put the microwave back where it belonged.

'Firstly...' Madara gestured for the blonde to sit down, which he did, occupying the very seat he had sat in previously. 'I wanted to see if he mouth is like Itachi's.'

Naruto rolled his eyes.

How predictable.

'Secondly, I wanted to see his reaction. Thirdly, I wanted to see _your _reaction... which is what I kind of expected, to be honest.'

'But... why? _why_?' Naruto's voice cracked. Madara stifled a laugh and the flashback which felt so long ago about puberty seemed to come back suddenly, 'You're dating his _older brother_. What would Itachi say if he walked in on, lets just say us for example, kissing?'

The front door opened at that very moment, and the footsteps of Itachi Uchiha padded down the hallway. 'Speak of the devil.'

Madara locked his arms around the blonde and placed his mouth over his.

All Naruto could do was struggle-

Then Itachi walked through the door.

* * *

**A/N- I started watching Junjou Romantica today- I remember watching about a year ago- Gravitation because I had heard so many awesome things about it but just couldn't get into it. I'm enjoying JR at the moment, but I'm only onto the second episode because youtube is slow- has anyone else noticed that 90 percent of BL manga/anime looks the same? You know, with the long faces and long mouths? If you hadn't noticed, you should by now. haha.**


	11. Stealing out of vending machines

**CHAPTER 11**

--

I had a horrifying dream last night. Well, freaky-ish. There was a guy in it.. who looked like (Yahiko) Pein... and a book with old photographs in it... and in the middle of one of the photographs, six people with Rinnegan eyes stared back.

**Stealing out of vending machines ain't good for your health. You could either get caught by police or get a lifetime supply of drinks... except that you could get diabetes.  
**

* * *

Madara ran a tounge left and right, trying to get Naruto's own mouth to open up, but he didn't. Naruto's hands found themselves gripped on the kitchen table behind then, and although couldn't see what Itachi was doing, the blonde knew he was there.

Itachi had stopped about a foot away from them, what was running through he had at the time was that he needed some strong coffee heated up in the (broken) microwave, something he had never even considered was happening right in front of his eyes.

Madara was enjoying the whole thing, getting Sasuke riled up, shocking Naruto into infinity (_...and BEYOND!) _and to make Itachi pissed off, basically. And yet Itachi just stood still, staring at the two, seeing Naruto struggle, Madara's posture screaming out **RAPEEEE **and whateverthefuckmadaradidtonarutohebetterexplainNOWWWW.

Itachi sighed, flipped out his phone, and dialed the home phone.

'Hello?'

It was Sasuke, who happened to be walking past the phone upstairs.

'Its me,' said Itachi, notcing that Naruto and Madara had broken apart, 'Why are Madara and Naruto making out in front of me?'

Silence.

Sasuke had hung up. Itachi pressed the red button and put the phone back in his pocket.

'You. Doctors. Now.'

'Whaaaaaaaaaat?' Madara whinged, and Naruto took the opportunity to run off.

* * *

Sasuke made his way back into his room. It was the only place in the house which he had all the keys to, therefore Itachi and Madara couldn't go in and fuck on his bed anytime they wanted to, unless...

The door was open and Sasuke didn't bother locking it.

_Not _that they did that...

Sasuke shuddered at the thought. _Although, this one time... _Sasuke stopped at there.

The Uchiha fell onto his bed, staring at the light ahead. It wasn't on, he had the lamp by his desk on, and the one on drawers on. His eyes then moved over bare walls.

Hmm.

He remembered Naruto telling him about his room being so clean and spotless, and nearly nothing occupied said room. The walls were white, but a nice sky blue colour would be good for the walls. Or maybe posters.

In Naruto's room, Naruto had posters of half-naked girls, skaters, various TV posters and bands like Asian-Kungfu Generation and Home Made Kazoku, and had _No Rain, now rainbow _on his music speakers in his room on repeat. Besides alarmingly frightening orange walls, he also had a (ginger) cat. And some spastic weirdo fox. _What _were things Sasuke could put on his wall? He'd just have to go to a shop and find a magazine, rip the posters from them and sticky-tape them onto his wall. Would he have half-naked girls? Bands he liked? Pfft. _What _bands did the all-high-and-mighty Sasuke Uchiha _like anyway? _No, Sasuke wasn't a music fan. If he did have music posters, Madara would take them down anyway and put them in his and Itachi's room just to get Sasuke jealous.

Or film posters? But he would get sick of the models staring down at him, frozen for life on film paper.

Sasuke snapped out of his daisyness when he heard a knock at his door.

'Hey daydreamer.'

Naruto took a few steps over and sat on the computer chair, not closing his bedroom door behind him.

'What?' Sasuke sat up. 'What did you just call me?'

'Daydreamer. You look all faded,' Naruto helped himself to a bottle of water standing on Sasuke's desk, twisting the cap open. 'Like a dead cat.'

Sasuke scowled and threw a pillow at him. 'Thats nice.'

'Sure is. Madara's been calling me Naruko now. I think he's going to, from now on.'

Sasuke shrugged, not looking at the blonde. 'He'll get over it. Naruto, should I decorate my room?'

Naruto was stunned for a moment. _He? _Decorate a room? _Didn't Naruto fail art class last year? And threw red paint in the hallway... _

_'_Do what you want, It is kind of bare, you know...' Naruto's eyes wondered over the Uchiha crest behind the Uchiha's bed, scratching a whiskered cheek. 'I'm surprised you don't have any naked chicks in here...'

'You have to put the act of a girl on most of the time, all I would have to do is get you to take your top off.'

'I ain't doing that for you bastard.'

Sasuke smirked at his own joke. Sasuke was getting better and better with these so called "jokes" and inside himself, he was quite pleased with himself. God damn Naruto...

Sasuke's evil/pervy/good smirking was interrupted by a flash of Uchiha. It was... that stupid asshole INCESTIC cousin again.

'SASUKE!' Madara pumped a fist in the air, giving off Gai-Sensei vibes. 'NARUKOOOO!'

'It's Naruto, asshole.'

'Yeah, yeah. Guess where we are going!?'

'...Shopping?'

'No! DOCTORS!' Madara positively beamed at them as though he had just received a Christmas present, 'Right now, in fact! Come on! Its at a hospital down town where apparently commoners and derros live and all those in between!'

Naruto and Sasuke stared at him. Madara went from happy to angry within a second.

'_Oi! You _two weren't _making out just then,_ were _you?_'

'I've had enough of you,' Sasuke walked straight past him, Naruto giving Madara a confused look after. 'Shut. Up.'

'No, sir!' Madara commanded, raising a hand. The hand was supposed to go to his forehead in a sign of military respect, or Naruto thought so.

The hand whipped out and grabbed onto Naruto's clothes. The blonde froze. 'Get off me! HEY!'

Somehow, Madara managed to tackle Naruto to the floor, using his left arm and leg to fend off Sasuke, and his rights to restrain Naruto.

'ITAAAAAAAACHI!' Madara called, loud enough for Itachi to hear, one floor down, in his own bedroom, tying his hair in a ponytail. 'CAN YOU COME HERE PLEASE?'

'I'm coming.'

'Get off him!'

'You gotta share some time, Sasuke. Geez. I like bright hair colours and drag queens.'

'...I think I'm having a bad day today,' Itachi stared at the three of them: Naruto, with his back on the ground, Madara pinning both wrists and sitting on his legs, Sasuke pulling Madara's hair. '_Now _this? What is it now?'

'I forgot to mention before, forgive me, dear 'Tachi, and could you get your brother off me first?'

Itachi walked over at threw Sasuke off his cousin with surprising strength. 'I hope you aren't doing anything to Naruto.'

'Nononnono! But look!' Madara used his other hand to take off Naruto's shirt. He began to thrash around.

'Fuck off!'

'You heard him!' Sasuke snarled.

Itachi was just staring, as Madara was just as strong as he was; if he got into the fight, both cousins would be dead, and maybe so Naruto, because, Naruto, well, wasn't weak. He just was sometimes. Itachi's heart nearly broke into two when he saw his little brother's new (girl)friend his his own (boy)friend-cousin-enemy-idiot-person fighting on the floor.

The next thing Naruto knew, Madara had his school shirt off in victory.

'See! Its a _boy_!' He said with the air that he was a midwife announcing to the mother that the baby has been born.

Itachi turned around, uninterested, heading downstairs to start the car.

* * *

'Open your mouth, say 'ahh'".

'...ahh...'

'Very good. One of your molars looks out of place, but fine, if it doesn't hurt-'

'Excuse me,' interrupted Itachi from behind the two, reading a TIME magazine, 'Isn't this a basic health checkup, then it is going to end with a head scan?'

'Of course,' Kabuto said without looking at him, using a light to look into Madara's right eye. The eye in question blinked questionably at him. 'Madara, have you ever had any problems with this eye? From what I can see, you hide this eye with your hair, is there anything wrong with it?'

Madara swiveled in his computer chair to look at Itachi first, who nodded.

'I can't really see out of that eye.'

'Yeah, there's hair in the way,' came Sasuke's sarcastic comment, sitting on one of the doctor beds.

'Shut up, you little shit. Don't mind my dear cousin, Doctor. He's just disturbed.'

'I don't need a checkup,' came Sasuke's snide voice.

'You will when your ass hurts so badly-'

'Close your mouth,' Kabuto ordered, running a finger over Madara's lips for inspection, as if his lips were made out of fish scales. 'Good. Alright, we'll start with your childhood. How long have you stayed with your cousins for?'

Madara turned to Itachi again, receiving a blank look this time.

'...since I was twelve, I think.'

'Why did you move in with them in the first place?'

'I don't know.'

'Parents are dead,' Itachi answered for Madara, who was fidgeting in his seat.

'Are they?' Madara looked interested. 'No one ever told me.'

Kabuto scribbled something into his note book. 'From what I can remember from your files, you clearly have a younger brother, who is currently in hospital at the moment. Madara has obvioulsy signs of memory loss.'

'Or he's taking it as a joke,' Sasuke intercepted.

Ignoring Sasuke, Kabuto continued, 'You also seem to look at Itachi before answering. Do you view him as a cousin, and a friend?'

'A friend,' said Madara smoothly. It was like Naruto had drilled into his head what he said about STDs. 'And punching bag.'

'So you do boxing?' Kabuto sounded interested.

'Totally.'

Liar.

Kabuto seemed to drink up that lie. 'What were your parents like?'

'Didn't have any. I was born from a cabbage patch.'

Kabuto stared at him, unblinking, then tapped the middle of his glasses. '...Do you know, Itachi?'

'...I think Mad's father was a chef, mother was a airflight attendant...' Itachi honestly had no idea. If he had said astronaut, merman, manager of a gay bar, clown, stripper, president or jackaroo, they would of had as much truthfullness in as much as chef and airflight attendant. '...No clue, sorry.'

'What about your parents, Itachi?'

'Father is doing business in many places, mother... don't know. She disappeared when Sasuke was a baby.'

'Did she? So she might be alive?'

'Fat chance,' Madara muttered under his breath while Kabuto inspected his ear. 'Anything else, doctor?'

'What was your earliest memory?'

'A doctor inspecting my ear.'

Kabuto paused again and stared at Madara for a long time.

'No, really.'

'A doctor staring at me... for a_ long_ time.'

'This isn't time for fun and games. You are not a goldfish, whose memory can only take up 3 seconds.'

'Goldfish are stupid. I eat them.'

'Apparantly so. Answer all questions truthfully, please.'

Madara swung around on the chair. 'I don't know...' He noticed a clock on Doctor Kabuto's desk that informed him that it was currently half past nine at night, Naruto was outside maybe breaking into a vending machine or something, '... '

'There's a major difference between stupidness and having a disorder,' Sasuke said. 'Why don't we go home now?'

'You can go home,' Itachi pointed out. Madara threw a phone at Sasuke, who caught it. Which was, his phone that he took, in fact, some hours ago.

'I know! I know!' Madara bounced in his seat. 'I was making love to-'

'Well done,' said Sasuke dully.

Kabuto turned away from Madara and looked into his cabinet. 'I don't have you in my files, Madara. I'm going to ring the other medical center in Konoha, see if they have it. Can you wait one moment?'

'I'm going to see Naruto,' as Kabuto picked up the phone, Sasuke went out the room and down the corridor, nearly getting run over by some kid with his leg in a plaster having a wheelchair race with another. The doors were shut as he went past them. They were at the medical centre, not the hospital, so this kid must of gotten a replacement cast.

For some reason, Madara was right, Naruto had up to his elbow up a vending machine, feeling around for a coke can or two. A few kids, about primary school age were egging him on.

'Oi, Naruto.'

'Yeeeeeeeees?' Naruto didn't look around, concentrating on his goal. 'Can I have some money? I'm out.'

'There's security cameras here, you know.'

'I ain't blind,' Naruto continued to feel around for drinks.

'Why... _why _are you doing that?'

'Doing what?' asked Naruto as if nothing was happening and he was doing the right thing. His arm retracted, holding a fanta. He passed it to one of the kids, who cheered, and they all scattered when a doctor went past, who didn't notice Naruto on the floor at all.

'Stealing. The police will get you for it.'

'Yeah, yeah.'

'My family _are _part of the Police. Not all of them, my father isn't, but a lot of them are.'

Oh.

Shit.

Oops.

Really?

'...Oh... Can you spare me some money then?' Naruto asked sweetly.

Sasuke shook his head.

'Damn. So, is Madara skits are not?'

'He isn't taking it seriously,' Sasuke paused. 'Apparently he has a younger brother in a hospital.'

'For real?'

'He didn't even know. I didn't even know he had a younger brother.'

'Well he would of known, wouldn't he?'

'Nope.'

Naruto opened a can of coke and handed it to Sasuke, who declined. 'What, allergic to soft drink?' Naruto sculled half the coke in one gulp and gave a bug burp and wiped his mouth, hence preceeding to drink a little more.

* * *

'I've just been faxed your information over,' Kabuto held up a stack of papers. 'Madara Uchiha, born 29th of February, diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder at age 11.'

'...am I? whats that?'

'Where major experiences, mostly traumatic, have been repressed.'

'In your head,' Itachi finished his sentence off. 'What does it say about family? Sasuke and I were never told about his family, nor Madara has ever mentioned them.'

'Madara Uchiha, born to Arashi and Kanae Uchiha, older brother of Kinoshita Uchiha, currently in Ame Psychiatric Hospital.'

Madara crossed his arms, staring at the paper Kabuto was reading from, 'How come I was never told?'

Kabuto tapped his glasses.

'Post traumatic stress disorder leaves the paintent unacknowledged of certain events that happen in their lifetime, often over-lapping the memory with other fake events. I am guessing this is connecting to where you apparently change moods and even this "Tobi" personality, which is mentioned here, but not diagnosed.'

'Who's Tobi-'

'Moving on,' Kabuto intercepted, 'Younger brother Kinoshita murders parents Kanae and Arashi at age six with butcher tools he kept under the floorboards.'

Oh.

It was like everything had stopped breathing.

Kabuto looked at Madara, expecting another puzzled or joking look. In fact, he recieved neither. Madara had stopped swinging on the spindly chair. As predicted, he looked at Itachi, who was shaking his head.

'Doctor. This can't be right,' Itachi put his magazine down, got up and padded towards the doctor. 'Madara _wrote _a story about two people getting killed by a six year old.'

'I'm afraid its true,' said Kabuto grimly, 'Its right here.'

'It can't be true.'

Madara found himself on his feet, shaking hair from his face.

'I _wrote that story_! Kinoshita saves his brother but puts acid he found in the brother's... his... his...' Madara gripped his hair, eyes wide and staring at the floor. 'right eye... I even won second place for it in a national story competition! I made that history up!'

'Have you ever thought of your own parents when you had written it?'

'No. The names are the same, the younger brother murders the parents, the narrator was crying in a corner, the younger brother flees and gets caught... afterwards...'

'Its all written here,' Itachi flicked through pages of Madara's medical history, 'How come he was never told it wasn't a story? I remember... he read it out to our class because he was so proud of it.'

Madara had been submerged into his strong facial features, tears; which Itachi had never seen before on his face.

'I'm going,' he said, and made way for the door, heading down the hallway. He stalked past Sasuke and Naruto without looking at them.

'Where are you going?'

Madara didn't answer, he walked right out the door and into the night.

'MADARA! _MADARA_!' Kabuto rushed past them, followed by Itachi. 'Come back here!'

Sasuke jumped to his feet, 'We'll get him, doctor.'

* * *

**I didn't really intend on having original named characters... but oh well.**

**(1) I want that song. I've put the HMK website up and had the chorus on loop for some time now.  
**

**Is incestic even a word?**


	12. Rehabilitation 101

Oh and if you just picked a random chapter, and don't know who Kinoshita is, hes Madara's younger brother. He was in chapter 3 hundred and ninety something. Or four-hundred something. Looks like Sai. But the new data books coming out in September, so it might have Madara's younger brother's name. Just... might. (I hope). Sorry its late. I had writers block. So don't kill me for it.

**Chapter 12: (I think): Rehabilitation 101  
**

* * *

Madara Uchiha, at 1am in the morning, now with a bizarre grin on his face, stood right in front of _Ame Psychiatric Hospital. _It was a dingy little building, although it looked stable enough for paitents to live in.

How did Madara get to Ame?

No, he didn't teleport.

He didn't catch a lift from drunken hippies in a Scooby-Doo van driving through town singing John Butler Trio or John Lennon or whatever they sang in this day and age. He didn't walk. _If _he did walk, he was more of an idiot than Sasuke ever thought his dear cousin was, as Amegakure was quite a while away.

Nope, he managed to slip onto a late train going past at Konoha Train Station, leaving a few bottles of liquor behind (hey, he was depressed) and got, surpringly, all the way to Ame before a train attendant approached him demanding his ticket. What ticket?

No ticket. No ticket: Madara got kicked out. At his destination, too. What luck.

The small city of Amegakure was covered in pipes. Excellent for pretending to be a urban Tarzan or Spiderman, you could just climb up, really. It was also an industrial town, and proberly the main cause of Global Warming, with all that steam coming from said pipes.

It was now 1: 03 am, Madara tossed back his shaggy hair, and entered the building. No one was around, not explaining the reason why the door was unlocked. The walls were a "welcoming" lavender blue colour, contrasting with the energy-saving lights. Madara realized he was in the welcoming lounge, a few magazines in a pile beside a brown lounge looked quite nice for a bed...

* * *

Naruto shook up the very last can of spray paint, and tossed it to Sasuke. 'You ready?'

'For what?'

Naruto and Sasuke had crept (walked; in Sasuke's POV) out the house at 1 in the morning, when Konohamaru rapped on Naruto's window carrying a whift of alocohl. These, Sasuke forcefully reminded himself, where the very people that Naruto hung out with before he got kicked out of Konoha High School. And still did, just not on a weekly basis, as it clashed with Naruto entertaining those that he should not be entertaining. Then they met up with two smokin' delequints, also known as "Konohamaru and Naruto's other friends" Moegi and Udon. The four were cracking jokes up and Sasuke now felt like a foreginer.

'We're conducting art class.' Naruto said, taking the cap of his own spray can and did a huge swirl on a seemingly blank wall on Konoha High School's grounds. In orange. Or, Sasuke thought it was orange. The only light source came from a insect buzz light right on the wall, which glowed a vibrant Naruto-like orange.

'What's with the swirl, moron?' As soon as he mentioned said swirl, Konohmaru had ruined it by doing an outline of a rather large monkey.

'It's "What's with the swirl, _sensei_."'

'Isn't this illegal?'

Naruto sighed, and rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes, shaking his blonde head. 'Damnit Sasuke, you're no fun. You need someone - like me - to help you out of this curable illness. It's rehabilitation 101, If you ask me. Cures people who are boring.'

'I never asked for this, I just didn't know about these things...'

Konohamaru snickered. 'Y'know, you can tell he's from the other side of Konoha.'

'You mean the rich and prissy?' asked Moegi. 'No real sense of life?'

Sasuke rolled his eyes. How ironic. It wasn't his fault that he was born into the might-all-airs-and-grace Uchiha Family. One thing he noticed with Naruto and Konohamaru's friends, was the sheer in-jokes they pulled upon each other. Naruto hit Udon when all Udon did was bit his thumb at him. Sasuke vaguely remembered this had something to do with Shakesphere, but didn't go into the matter further, and Konohamaru yelling a little too loudly and possibly wake up neighbours that lived near the school. Naruto shook his can again and sprayed all over the back of Konohamaru's _Sunagakure United _sports shirt.

'Gaaah! That's cold, Uzumaki!'

'Bad luck. Come on, Sasuuuuuuuuuke, aren't you going to do something?'

Sasuke turned towards Naruto, glaring the infamous Uchiha stance/glare. 'I asked you a question. Is this illegal?'

Naruto shifted uncomfortably, but remained grinning. 'Well _no shit_.'

'So the police are going to catch you?'

'Oh, they've done it before,' said Moegi casually. 'Took ages to get the paint of this wall...'

'_This _wall?'

'Well, yeah. Everyone sprays this wall, and the next person to tag over usually paints white over, next day comes back to do their artwork.'

'So you sprayed over this yesterday?'

'A-huh.' Udon nodded. Naruto tapped Sasuke on the shoulder.

'You aren't going to tell your Uchiha police family, are you?'

'Maybe.' said Sasuke slyly.

'...Then...' Naruto tried to think of a threat. '...uh... I'll set Madara onto you!'

'That's been done before.'

'Ah. Poor you.'

They continued like this for a few minutes. A few navy clouds overhead covered the moon, making it harder to see. In the distance a police siren was going off. Sasuke then decided to draw a flower on the wall.

The others started laughing.

'What _now_?'

'Boys don't draw flowers!' Konohamaru was grinning, then waggled his eyebrows at Naruto. 'You sure he isn't really the girl?'

'What's wrong it? It isn't a flower, its a Mangekyou Sharingan.' said Sasuke defensively, insulted.

'A what?' The others had no clue.

Sasuke sighed. 'Never mind.'

'Is it a pattern?'

'It's _my _pattern. I copyrighted it.' Each Uchiha had their own special pattern called a 'Mangekyou Sharingan' It was tradition, pretty much.

'Well if it's copyrighted, then it's easier for the police to get you,' Udon pointed out. Sasuke snatched the black from his hand and did a massive cross on the flower - ahem, _Mangekyou Sharingan. _

'Sasuuuuuuke!' whined Naruto. 'You ruined it.'

'I did.'

Sasuke was so proud of himself.

'No, you ruined the whole wall! All the pictures look bad now!' and Naruto preceeded to write _Uchiha Sasuke was here _in big letters. Sasuke crossed it out again, black dripping down the wall.

'Bastard.'

'Dobe.'

'Teme.'

'Idiot.'

'Dickhead.'

'Transvestite.'

'Snob.'

* * *

Itachi had stumbled across Gaara. According to Gaara, Itachi looked absolutely furious, desperate and sad at the same time, a trait rarely found in Uchiha's. Gaara had seen Madara drinking something near the train station. Itachi had put two and two together- without bothering to tell Sasuke, who would be asleep at Naruto's that night- and drove off to Amegakure.

* * *

Madara was rudely woken up that morning.

'Hey. Watcha doing here?'

He jumped pretty high and nearly fell off the lounge. A girl with dark rings around her eyes and hair the same colour as the wall had approached him and was staring in a weird way, wearing a dressing gown and looked a little older than the dark haired teenager himself.

'Uh... What am I doing here?'

'So you are a visitor? Gonna visit me? I'm Konan.'

Madara rubbed his eyes. 'Hi... Damn that lounge is comfy... So are you a patient here?'

'Dunno. This is my home now.' She smiled at him, showing pearly sharp teeth. 'I haven't been out for a while. Have flying cars and ways to tackle the mosquito invasion been invented yet?'

'What? No...'

'Gaaah! Pein's such a liar then!'

'Who?'

'Pein. He's the best. Knows all the codes into each room, except Kino's, whom they change on a daily basis.'

'_Kino!?' _Madara sat up, and Konan backed off, a flash of sadism gleaming in her eyes, which went ignored, 'Such as... Kinoshita Uchiha?'

'Yeah. You look like him. You visiting him? Can you visit me?' she said eagerly. 'And Pein as well. We don't bite... _much._' she burst out laughing. 'Yeah. He's like... one of the youngest to come here, after me and Pein. Guess what he did to get here?' Her voice dropped to a whisper.

'I know what he did.' said Madara stiffly. 'He murdered our parents.'

'Oh,' Konan didn't sound sorry at all. 'You kind of look like him. He's fond of talking about a certain Madara Uchiha. So are you him?'

'I am.'

'How come you never visited Kino after all these years? He was so sad without you. Kino is a nice person. Of course, you would know, he's your brother...'

'I haven't seen him for a while. Quite a few years.'

Konan shrugged. 'I haven't seen my parents for sometime, either... Or brother... Brother... dearest brother... for about a day. Pein's _my _brother. And always will be. Oh, and if you want to talk to Kino, he's next door to Pein's room, come on.'

Madara followed her footsteps, down the hallway. 'Why aren't there many people around?'

'Its like, 5 in the morning.'

'And why was the front door unlocked?'

'Pein unlocks it just after the last visitor leaves. He has this thing about locks. The cameras never catch him. He's just so fast for them!'

'Sounds like me,' Madara grinned as the vision in his head of swapping locks in school.

'Here ya go.' Konan stopped at a door with _number 6_ written in fine handwriting. She knocked twice.

The door didn't open, but on the other side:

'Ah, would it be... my _brother_ Madara?'

Madara stared at the door. He knew that voice. Just... if he didn't know it was Kinoshita's, then he would not know and gone insane at the thought of knowing whose voice it was. The voice... the sound...

'Well?' the voice on the other side demanded. 'If it isn't, go away. If it's Pein, give the code to unlock my door. If it's Konan, give me back my chess set. _With _all the pieces. If it's one of the nurses, I would like some food. If its-'

'It's me. Konan.' Konan put her hands on her hips. 'And your brother.'

'...No its not.'

'I'm totally serious this time!'

'It's been _years, _Lavender-freak. Do you really think he would come? Or should I slip my tablets into your food next time? And give me back my chess set.'

Madara put his fist on the door. 'Open up, its me. Madara.'

'...No its not.' the voice repeated again. 'I don't have the code in here. Get Pein.'

'He's asleep.'

'Huh? What are you talking about, Konan?' Someone else had joined the scene. A little taller than Konan, with orange hair and freaky-looking gray eyes. He must of either had contacts in or an eye condition that made them look diseased. This must be Pein. And wearing red dressing gown.

'Peeeeeeeeeein!' Konan squealed, nearly knocking the poor guy off his feet. 'Look, its Kino's brother that Kino talks about alot!'

'Lovely,' Pein glanced at Madara. Madara was reminded of Itachi for some reason. He just hoped that Itachi hadn't set the police on him or something, 'I'm not asleep. I never sleep.'

'I've seen you sleep before!'

Pein grimaced, trying to get Konan off him. 'Whatever.' Konan departed, and Pein leened down to look at the coded lock.

'Pein is _physic_,' Konan whispered in awe. 'Always gets it right!'

'Thats because they use regular code patterns.'

'Ah, its the ginger.' Kinoshita's voice slyly made its way through the door.

'Don't call him that!' Konan said defensively. '_Kino- shit - ah_!'

'Those who gave birth to I gave that name to me, I did not choose the name. And its a name, Lavender-freak, get over it.'

There was a beep, and the door swung open.

'Why hello there, older brother. It's nice to meet you, again.'

* * *


	13. Mind Games

**A/N: I'm on crack at the moment (well, freddo frogs, alice nine, the mp3 version of Hidan and Kakuzu's appearence in the anime on my mp3 on repeat) Oh and I have another new fic up, a Hidan and Kakuzu one. Go read, as well. This chapter has lots of oddity in it. This is me and mind games. Its short... because I want to watch Doctor Who now.  
**

Kinoshita grinned. 'You look the same, 'Dara.'

In which Madara didn't reply, he added, 'Aren't you going to say the same thing to me?'

'Nope.'

Kinoshita shut the door, and Madara heard Konan and Pein walk off, poberly to terrioze someone. He got a good look at his younger brother. They had the same features as Itachi did to Sasuke. His hair was like Madaras, although in a loose ponytail and he auctually had atempted to keep it neat, unlike Madara. A faded scar on his top lip, slightly spacy eyes, the same height as Madara himself.

'Aren't you going to sit down? It isn't a trap, seriously.'

Madara raised one eyebrow. 'Really?'

Kinoshita snickered and sat on his bed. 'Why don't you try?'

'I'll be fine,' replied Madara colly. Kinoshita shrugged.

'Your choice then. Soooooo, hows life outside this place?'

'Why?'

'Have computers been advanced yet so you can touch the screen and it'll react?'

'Maybe.'

'Got yourself a girlfriend?'

'No.'

'Ever had a girlfriend?'

'...No.'

'Do you live by yourself?'

Madara sighed. 'Why do you want to know?' He crossed his arms and stood, leaning back on the wall.

Kino grinned. 'Oh come on. You can tell me.'

'You answer and question just like me, you know,' Madara said bluntly.

'Excellent. You can come live here with me.'

Madara had the mental image of him with a hump in his back, wearing a suit and playing with his food, eighty years on.

'No, I'll be fine.'

'Reaaalllly? Then how did you find me?'

'A Doctor told me.'

'Ah. The doctor. His name is..?' Kino waited for an aswer.

'Doctor Who?'

'I love that show!' Kino exclaimed. '_Are you my mummy_?'

'What?' Madara had never seen the show in his life. At least he knew it was a television programme.

'Muuuuuuuuuumy...' Kino put on a very childlike tone. 'Its from one of the episodes in the show.'

'I've never seen it before.'

'Ok. Whats your favourite show then!?'

'Why?'

'Oh come on. You can tell me.'

Madara took a deep breath. He, in his whole lifetime, had never told Itachi what this show was. In fact, nobody did. It was a mystery.

'My favourite show is...'

He paused for the added effect.

'Who wants to be a Millionaire. I've always wanted to play in it.'

'Are you kidding? I love that show! Hey, I have this question that is _so _hard that no one here has ever answered correctly!' Kinoshita waved his arms enthusically. He seemed pretty cheerful - for a murderous bastard. 'Wanna play?'

'I'm up to it.' said Madara smoothly.

'Ok. What is the first letter of the aplhabet?'

"It-'

'Hey! I haven't finished yet!' Kino half-scowled, half-laughed. 'What is the first letter of the alphabet? Is it, A - C. Or is it B - D. Or C - A, or D - B? You have a minute to decide!'

'Uh... Can you repeat that again? Kind of confusing.'

Kinoshita repeated himself.

'Ok... the answer is A.'

'Lock in C, then!'

'No, the answer is C!'

'Okay, lock in A.'

'Are you sure? This _is _the million dollar question.'

'A!'

'C or A? You have to make your choice.'

'_Fine. _C.'

'Alright then...' Kino paused, made a tapping sound on the wall. 'You locked in C... And... You lose a million dollars! The answer is A!'

'Oh come on. What the hell?' Madara felt angry. 'That is the most hardest question in the world! Although Itachi might answer it...'

'Who's Itachi?' said Kino intrestedly. 'Ok, got another. What came first, the chicken or the egg?'

'Egg.'

'Wrong.'

'Chicken, then.'

'Wrong.'

'Both.'

'Wrong.'

'Neither.'

'Wrong.'

'So the answer is technically no answer?'

'Wrong. Ok, another. What colour does a Smurf turn when it chokes?'

'Green.'

'No, it turns... white. Another. Whats the meaning of life?'

'Good point. No idea.'

'Its 42. What happens when a Chihuahua makes love to a Doberman?'

'A Chihuaman.'

'Nope, the ladder breaks.'

'...I don't get it.'

'Well a Chihuaha is so small, and a Doberman is big, so it'll need a ladder to get up to its-'

'Enough,' Madara said in an instructed tone. 'I only came here to prove I had a younger brother.'

'Annnnnd?' Kinoshita purred.

'Thats really all.'

Kinoshita looked sad. 'But can't you stay for a while? I have another couple of questions.'

Madara sighed. 'Fine. Go ahead.'

'Do you like chess?'

'Never played it before.'

'Checkers? Go? Shougi?'

'Nope.'

'Pokemon?'

'Yep.'

'Naruto?'

'I kissed him yesterday.'

'...huh?' Kinoshita looked confused. 'You know, the show, Naruto.'

'There's a show called Naruto?' Madara smirked. Something else to annoy the kid with...

'Yeah. Its about ninjas and stuff. So he's your boyfriend?'

'You wish. Naruto is one of our cousin's friends. He dresses as a girl...'

'Weird... Who's Itachi, then.'

Madara stiffened. 'Someone.'

Kinoshita went from all interested; to suddenly cackling. '_Really?_'

'Postitive.'

'Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I bet he's your _boyfriend_!'

'Could be...'

'HA! I KNEW IT!' Kinoshita shouted, grinning - in adoration. 'My brother is a queeeeeer-'

Madara punched him.


	14. Orange Guy and Purple Girl

A/N: Yeah, no offense to gingers out there. I don't know any IRL. I actually... don't know that many multi-cultured people... I know in Aus theres supposed to be a multi-cultured community... I only know causations! Also, I noticed I usually get not much emails from FFnet in the week... but on average, I get about 20 on Mondays. Odd.

* * *

It was nearly mid-morning when Itachi had driven to Amegakure. He'd gotten lost on the way, found himself in Oto, for jashin's sake- GPS - also known as a Global Postioning System which rich people or people that needed them put in their cars in case they got lost on the way to the local shops - Absolute fail. Of course, it was either broken (it hardly was ever used) OR Madara had fiddled with it. Itachi presumed Madara had fiddled with it - Madara and technology was a big no-no. Madara was more of 'old school' technologies - didn't use a scientific calculator proberly (like Naruto) did an average of 5 words per minute in Microsoft Word, couldn't help the fact he was dangerous (old-school asylum) and couldn't help the fact he had a crazy brother.

He had been driving for ages, stopping at a cafe for a coffee.

* * *

Sasuke kept smirking all the way to school. They got up early, Naruto yawning and tripping over Kyuubi, brought themselves breakfast on the way on a bus, which they then got off at Sasuke's, so he could get his things for school, and walk on from there.

'What the _hell_? Stop it!' Naruto waved a hand with three band aids; Sasuke had put Naruto's hair straightener on his fingers to stop him from wriggling that morning. 'I'm tired, so shut up!'

'PMSy too much?'

'I'm glad you are getting a sense of humour, and shut up.'

Sasuke smirked again.

'Why... are you smirking, bastard?'

'I'm smirking because you are so cute, _Naruko_.'

'I'm not cute, asshole!'

_'Please_. You wear girl's clothing.'

'Well its not my fault. Blame Karin.'

Sasuke smirked again.

'Stop smirking!'

'I'm smirking because its also exams for Itachi and Madara's year today. They aren't back yet.' Sasuke kicked a can aside. 'I wonder when they'll be back...'

'Maybe Itachi got lost on his way to Ame.'

'He has a GPS, he isn't going to get lost, Naruto.'

'What the hell is a GPS?'

'Don't ask me.' Sasuke shrugged. 'But the teachers aren't going to be happy with them.'

'Do you have exams?'

'Not yet, next week I think.'

'You think?' echoed Naruto. 'You would proberly get like, top or something.'

'Why thank you.'

* * *

The GPS was broken, and Itachi had no idea where he was. The coffee he got strengthened him.

Now where the _hell _was the hospital.

'Excuse me,' Itachi dropped his empty coffee cup in a nearby bin and tapped on a woman's shoulder. 'Do you know where the Ame Hospital is?'

The woman adjusted her red handbag and looked at him curiously. 'Which one?' She had a thick Ame accent, grabbing ahold of one of her children, who were trying to run away. 'Hospital one or the mental facility one?'

'Uh, Facility one.'

The woman pointed up the street. 'Quite near. Go left up that road, and there is some crossroads. Go down Rain Street, should be at the end... somewhere. Good luck.'

'Thank you, M'am,' He sighed. Hopefully Madara wasn't in too much trouble, or hell would freeze over. He turned away from the woman, who had already walked off with her children, and back into his car. Itachi then turned to reverse, when something caught his eye. A foxtail, a real one that Madara had found on a science trip in the woods one day.

Itachi reached for it, and in the glove compartment, he found a rubberband. He got out the car and attacked the foxtail to the aerial.

Getting back in, he drove up to the crossroads, and down Rain Street. It wasn't a dark and murky street like usual-stereotypical asylums/facilities in movies/books, but no sign of a hospital.

He parked next to a parking sign, got out again, and stopped two people around his age, obviously trying to get out of school, smoking. They would of looked the part if the one with the purple hair was in a dressing gown. The other, orange haired with many piercings, wore a black suit, and Itachi noticed he had a _Spongebob Squarepants _tie.

'Excuse me.' Itachi said to the two, 'There's a hospital nearby. Do you know where it is?'

The two of them looked at eachother and giggled.

_Giggled._

A feat that only Madara would do, Itachi shook his head. 'Do you know?'

'Course we do,' The purple-haired one said, blowing smoke rings, pointing into the street. 'Its up the alleyway. Why, you want someone from there?'

'Yes, thanks.'

'Oh, is it Kino's brother? You do kinda look like him.'

'Thats it, thank you,' Itachi went back to his car, but the Oranger-guy held him back.

'You won't need that.'

'_Why_?'

'Because.' he grinned. 'Oh, and if they ask where me and Konan are, don't tell them.'

Itachi just stared at them, and shrugged, going up the alley.

* * *

_1 hour later. _

The stupid Orange Guy and Purple Girl (Sounds like a superhuman duo, if you ask Itachi) gave him the wrong directions. Besides the fact that Itachi has shitty eyesight and _needs _glasses, he didn't read the sign that announced _Ame Psychiatric Hospital _in very (small) letters, opposite where his car was, Itachi ended up getting hit on by some slut in red lingerie. It was god-damn daylight, and he'd stumbled on the _Red Light District. _

Cursing, he went inside. It was a dingy little building, one of those buildings that looked plain on the outside, neat and clean on the inside, used energy-saving lights. Not that he cared, he just wanted to find Madara.

'Hello?'

Itachi turned to see a lady. 'Are you here for visiting?'

'Yes. I'm looking for a Kinoshita Uchiha.'

The lady frowned. 'Are you a relative or Mr. Uchiha?'

'Cousin, can I please see him.'

'Does Mr. Uchiha _know _he has a cousin?'

'Look, not to be rude, but can I please see him?'

The lady nodded. 'Room 6.'

'Thanks.'

The lady went off to do her own business, and Itachi went down the hallway, stopping at number 6. The door was open a tiny bit, which he barged in without knocking.

Kinoshita was teaching Madara how to play chess.

'Who the FUCK are you?' Kino suddenly shouted, throwing his arm out, chess pieces thrown everywhere. 'So today I have two visitors!? My lucky day, isn't it!'

Itachi only raised an eyebrow.

'This is Itachi,' Madara said hastily, grabbing Kinoshita by the arm to stop him from lunging and killing Itachi. 'Geez, Itachi... how long did it take you got get here?'

'Quite a while, auctually.'

'So you are Dara's boy-' Madara slapped a hand over his mouth.

'Don't worry, Ive punched him in the face.'

'Punched him for what?'

'Never mind. Kino, Itachi. Itachi, Kino.'

Itachi nodded barely at his cousin, Kinoshita didn't respond.

'Ok, I'm done introducing...'

Kino and Itachi looked like they were having a staring contest full of EVIL hate and manicly, throwing eachother into HELL, except for the fact Itachi was trying to transport Kino into an entrely black and white world, that kunai would be thrown at him for the next 72 hours...

A figment of Itachi's imagination of course.

'Nice to meet you.' Itachi stared at Madara listlessly while he said it.

Kino didn't reply.

Madara looked annoyed. 'No, you say it at him.'

'I don't want to look at him.'

Itachi sighed. 'Besides getting cheerfully told directions to the Red Light District by your ringleader, no.'

'Ringleader? What ringleader?'

'He said he knew you, he had orange hair.'

'Ah, the ginger.'

'Oh, that dude,' Madara shifted his chair to get a better look at Itachi. He looked pretty tired. 'What was his name again?'

'Pein. But he's ginger.'

'So?'

'He's ginger.'

'So?'

'But he's like... evil.'

'What? Gingers aren't evil,' said Itachi. 'What sort of drugs do they give you?'

In response, he only recieved a glare.

'TV, I guess.' supplied Madara. 'No offense to you, Kino... but you have to stop with the insults... y'know, you're just like Sasuke's friend, gah, what was his name...'

'Which one, Naruto or Naruto... or Naruto?'

'No, no... the ones he's known since kindy... Neji?'

'Neji?'

'No, wrong one. Shika... no, its Sai. Yep, thats it. You act like Sai.'

'Who's Sai?' Kinoshita demanded. 'He sounds... sounds...' Kino thought for a bit. 'Awesome.'

'I remember,' Itachi said thoughtfully. 'First time he met me, told me I would look good naked and could he paint a picture of me.'

'Well, you do look good n-'

'I'm sorry, I don't speak to animals. I eat them,' Kino snapped.

'Huh?' Madara let go of Kinoshita, 'What do you mean?'

'Lets just say there is only you and me in here. _He _isn't here, if he was, he would be like, not human, Madara's friend. If you were an Animagus, you would be a crow.'

'Translation, please.' Madara rolled his eyes and looked at Itachi.

'An Animagus is a witch or wizard who can turn into a particular animal at will. This ability is not innate: it must be acquired by magical means. All Animagi must register at a central authority; it is illegal to obtain this ability without registering, although out of the five Animagi described as such in the books, Minerva McGonagall, Rita Skeeter, James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew, four either never registered before their death or are currently living and unregistered-'

'Yeah, you are going too far into detail. You know how much I dispise detail, 'Tachi.'

'Hn.'

'Who's Sai.' Kino said suddenly.

'Never mind.'

'Tell me _now!_'

'No.'

'Now.'

'_No_.'

'Ple_ase_eeee?'

'Madara, we better get going.' Itachi interupted their squabbling. 'You can visit Kinoshita in the future.'

'What? Now?'

'Yes, now. We have an exam toiday.'

'...how come I wasn't told?'

'You were asleep when Kakashi told us.'

'But 'Dara... Can't he stay?' Kino simpered.

'He can stay for hugs and kisses,' Itachi turned away. 'I'll be in the car.' He took one look at Kinoshita's sad face, and swished out the room. At once he nearly felt remorseful, but it vanished when he heard a yell from the room:

'Damn you to hell, Weasel! If you wern't my brother's friend WITH benefits then I'd cut you with a knife, you hear!?'

Itachi just shook his head, and walked down the hallway. He stopped when he saw Pein and his lavender-haired friend, looking as innocent as innocency could get.

'You found your way here, congratulations.' said Konan.

'I telepathcally sent the right ones, in case you didn't recieve them,' chipped in Pein. 'I sent them to your mind-inbox.'

'I did not recieve any telepathic messages,' Itachi said in return. 'They were proberly put my junk mail.'

'Can I try again?'

'No,' Itachi said, walking straight past them, past a nurse or two and outside. Daylight poured over concrete, and many were going around their business as usual. His car was parked on the opposite side of the street. He fished out for his keys and pressed unlock, it beeped in return and Itachi pulled the door open, sat and closed it, rolling down the driver's window and putting his sunglasses on. And waited.

It seemed about 5 minutes later when Madara came.

'The nurses had to restrain Kino,' Madara explained. 'He wouldn't let go of me. He was crying.'

'Just get in.'

Madara opened the driver's door, fell on Itachi and clambered into the front seat. Itachi turned the car on, and before they knew it, they were on the road. 'So,' Itachi started, passing by citizens, 'What do you think of your brother?'

'...nice.'

'Nice?'

'Yeah. But on the way out, Pein told me that the last visitor he got that he didn't know- he tried to skin 'em.'

'...intresting.'

'A-huh. And I also gave him our home number.'

Itachi nearly slammed the brakes. 'You _what?'_

'And he gave me the Hospital's number in return. Kino said I can call him at any time but he wouldn't tell me how he knew the phone number.'

'He got it from Pein, I bet.'

'Good point. Oh, and I also gave him Sai's number. Hopefully Sai will understand.'

'You do realise Sai's going to kick your ass if he finds out that a complete physcopath has his _phone number_?'

'Yep.'

Itachi concertrated on the road.

'Itachi?' came Madara's uncertain voice.

'What?'

'Will you marry me?'

'Shut up.'

* * *

'Hey, Naruto. Check this out.' Kiba grabbed Naruto by the shirt and dragged him from his _delightful _reading of _Fantastic Beasts and where to find them by Newt Scalmander _in the _delightful _library, which Naruto and Kiba happened to be there at the same time in Art. They were supposed to be either looking for a reference picture to paint on the internet or in a book. _ 'Isn't this just awesome?!'_

Naruto took up a seat by Kiba's computer. It was a flatscreen, worked faster than any computer he knew, and the keyboard was just _right. _At Naruto's old school, computers were slow, refused to work 99 percent of the time, which was why many people failed to hand in assignments. This was Naruto's selected choice. He had better things to do than translate MacBeth or analyze a ladybug.

Kiba flopped into the seat next to him. 'Ta-dah!'

'Its just a website.' said Naruto bluntly.

'A _website!?_' Kiba clutched his heart. 'No, no, my friend,' he shook his head dramatically, 'Who's a _girl, and all... _with lady bits and fairytails and rainbow coloured fishnets prancing around in his backyard with a -Check this out! CRUSH CALCULATOR!' (1)

'Huh?'

'Duh! It calculates your crush! See if you have a chance with _them_!'

'Kiba, you are so gullible.'

'Dunno, from what I believed, theres no such word.' said Kiba. 'Look.'

Kiba took the electronic-mouse (latest technology) and clicked in one of the boxes. He then write in 'Kiba' and in the second pink box, 'Naruto'.

'Hey, don't write my name in!'

Too late.

On the screen:

_Kiba and Naruto: _

31 Percent.

'...' Naruto was lost for words.

'You took my heart, Naruto!' The dog-lover grinned his head off. 'But... 31 percent...'

'Whatever, mutt.'

'Same to you, girly.'

'Fine,' Kiba pressed back, and wrote in 'Kiba' and 'Hinata'.

_Kiba and Hinata:_

12 Percent.

'_What?' _

Kiba's voice was so loud that Hinata had stopped from her research and stared at them.

'Nothing to see, go away, people,' Naruto shook his hand, turned to screen once again.

'Try... I don't know...'

Kiba gasped and clapped his hands. 'Iruka and Kakashi!'

_Iruka and Kakashi:_

10 Percent.

Kiba rolled his eyes.

'Try someone and someone else that wouldn't go together.'

_Sai and Sasuke  
_

66 Percent.

'You know that stuff doesn't work, Kiba.'

'You're so mean, Naruto.'

'I know, it runs in the family.'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever.' Kiba took the (wireless) keyboard from the table and placed it on his chest, where Naruto couldn't reach without bending.

_Sasuke and Naruto_

'Oi! Don't write that!'

'Try me.'

The page loaded:

_Sasuke and Naruto:_

89 Percent.

'...I hate you.'

* * *

'_I got lots of pictures in my head, you better not... turn off the Projector_...'

'Sai!' thundered the teacher. 'Turn it off!'

'Wait a moment,' Sai raised his hand to stop the teacher. He gave Sasuke the book he had been holding and flipped his phone open. 'Sai is here. ...Who is this?'

He paused and listened.

'I think you have the wrong number,' said Sai. 'I don't know anyone called Kinoshita.'

* * *

**(1) A pop-up ad that came on when I tried to log in the other day. **

**Sai's ringtone is Pictures by Sneaky Sound System, an electronica/dance Australian band.  
**

**Whoever reviews, please tell me what your ringtone is. For mine, I have had Hare Hare Yukai (karaoke) for about a year, and Different Colours by Fanastic Plastic Machine for about 6 months. I am thinking of changing, so people, tell me what yours are!**

**OH and I have over 11,000 views now! Yay! **


	15. Operation UnmaskKakashi Part 1

**Please, under any circumstances, be stupid and look up the sites I am talking about such as shock sites. Please don't. -_starts singing Auntie's wooden leg_- **

**Yes. I decided to watch Alice in Wonderland and got high. The next thing I watched was Austin Powers WHICH I shouldn't have because the next day at school every time I read something the 1st character would have an Austin Powers voice in my head which makes it hilarious! ahhaaha! **

* * *

**-- OPERATION UNMASK-KAKASHI OPERATION PART 1 --**

--

**(UKO, or UKE for short)**

* * *

**Alice in Wonderland CAST**

Naru(k)to Uzumaki - **Alice**

Itachi Uchiha - **March Hare**

Madara Uchiha - **Mad Hatter**

Sasuke Uchiha - **Person, Cameraman, Alice's make-up artist, chore boy, out-of-character Cheshire cat/turtle/bastard**

* * *

_Konoha Host Club Academy, Akatsuki Host Club Room, Friday, 4:42PM, Konoha, Earth, Solar System, The Milky Way, Solar Section 5, The Universe._

Right in the middle of a (boring) host club meeting - Naruto got the best idea in the world from his teacher, in fact his science teacher, was the very _daring_ Kakashi Hatake, in "daring" I mean, "Who the hell would wear a mask these days?"

Kakashi, apparently.

At first when Naruto came (grudgingly) to Konoha High School Academy, Kakashi wore a sick mask. Naruto presumed the poor man was ill (bless him) but then the next week it change to a really lonnnnnnnnnng skivvy that happened to cover his face up to his nose (_defiantly _a fashion no-no) then a handkerchief, cowboy-style. Now it was just a mask, a plain, blue mask.

Naruto didn't like those people that refused to show their face. Kakashi _wasn't_ an exception.

Naruto was too busy planning his evil scheme, he didn't even see Kiba bound in and nearly spill over the tea Naruto had prepared earlier (with courtesy and help of Hinata, per usual).

'Naruto my awesome friend! What is wrong?' Kiba cocked his head sideways and flounced onto a red-cushioned seat. 'You look... spaced out.'

Naruto nodded, staring at his feet.

'Something's going wrong in my brain. It seems to be scheming, can you ask again in a couple of minutes?'

Kiba stared at him. 'Say it again?'

'Shut up for a couple of minutes!'

'Geez, don't scream at me. Fine.'

_Two minutes later_

'Done yet?'

'Yes. I have a plan.'

'Well?' Kiba leaned forward. 'Spit it out.'

Naruto looked serious. 'It's a mission.'

'A mission?' Kiba whispered, as if it really was that secret, 'What kind?'

'_A Rank _Mission.'

'_A Rank_?'

'Yeah. In movies and ninja TV shows, _D Rank _missions are easy. _C Missions_ are hard. _B mission_s are harder;_ A Ranks_ are harder than all of them put together.'

'So basically you are going to do something that's the hardest of all.' Kiba deadpanned.

'Yep.'

'Then what is it?'

'I,' Naruto got up and stood on his chair, 'Uzumaki Naruto, swear on my life that I will... see Kakashi Hatake's** REAL** face!'

And then Kiba burst of laughing.

It took quite a while to subside, and Kiba wiped his eyes. 'Ah, Naruto, you make me laugh so hard... You do realise this is _never _going to work, right?'

'Why not?'

'Everyone has tried seeing under it. Even I.'

Naruto nodded. 'What happened?'

'I got... I don't even want to say it.'

'Aah... Um, well, this is the biggest Lets-unmask-Kakashi-Hatake-operation that will ever _HAPPEN_!'

And that, is how the Unmask-Kakashi Operation came round.

* * *

'Hiiiiiinata...' Naruto swished towards her in a sing-song voice. 'Hiiiiiiiiiiiinata!'

'Yes?' Hinata turned, flashing her pretty eyes towards one of the host club's exclusive girl (boy). 'You need more tea?'

The person she was hosting didn't say anything, just stared through those odd black glasses blankly at Naruto.

'Guess _what_!'

'What?'

'Kiba and I are going to unmask Kakashi. Want to help?'

Hinata blushed. 'Um...'

'Oi!' Kiba yelled from the other side of the room. 'I AM _not _helping!'

'Kiiiiba... why...' Naruto tried_ Puppy Dog Eyes no Jutsu_, coming to no effect. Maybe it was the fact he was so far away, so he got closer.

Kiba rolled his eyes at Naruto's large eyes swimming so innocently at him. 'Fine.'

'Okay!' Naruto grinned, an-evil smirk coming onto his features, only to be ruined by Sakura, who was hovering beside him.

'What are you planning?' she demanded, hands on hips, a green headband in her pink hair.

'To unmask Kakashi.'

Sakura looked surprised.

'Oh...'

Naruto nodded enthusiastically.

'So... can I help too?' Sakura asked.

'Of course! So I have three people!'

Hinata stared at Naruto blankly. She didn't say yes.

She didn't say no, either.

* * *

By the end of the host club chit-chats, Naruto had gathered a number of willing and useful participants:

Sasuke Uchiha. (Because Naruto made him).

Sakura Haruno. (Willing)

Hinata Hyuuga. (Half-willing)

Kiba Inuzuka. (Not willing)

Shino Aburame. (Useful)

Sai. (Insert surname here). (Useful and Willing).

Sasori Akasuna. (Useful)

Madara Uchiha. (Not useful, but Sasuke told Itachi via text message about it on their way home from Amegakure, and Madara wanted to rip Kakashi's face off anyway for the last assignment he received back).

Deidara. (Insert surname here) (Willing)

Karin. (Not willing).

(Naruto presumed the others wanted to see what was under that mask, but they turned the offer down at that moment, hopefully to reconsider later)

They sat in expensive looking chairs, away from the other hosts, who were currently packing up. 10 people. Naruto secretly wanted to convert the whole-student body, but word can get round anyway, through Myspace and text messaging. Karin sat next to Sasuke, hands twisted in her lap. The others were littered around. Deidara sat on Sasori, which Naruto ignored.

Or tried to.

'Can you get off red-head there? It's distracting.'

'Do I have to?'

'Fine,' Naruto shook his head. 'My name is Naruto Uzumaki, and I am the leader of the Unmask-Kakashi-operation. Sasuke will be vice-leader, won't you?'

'No.'

'_Yes_.'

'Why?'

'Because I am the _leader_ and you do what the leader says.'

'She has a point there.' Sai smiled. (Eyes closed). He had written down everyone's name, as self-appointed treasurer/secretary/person who writes things down.

'This is how it goes,' Naruto stood on a table for a better view. 'So Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata, Kiba, Madara when he gets here and Deidara are the people who would like to see under Kakashi's mask. The rest minus Karin are going to get their asses kicked if they don't cooperate.'

'Is that supposed to be a threat, Uzumaki?' asked Sasori.

'Maybe. Shino, you are going to be useful.'

'How so?'

'I don't judge stereotypically or anything, but you look like the typical closet computer-hacker to me.'

Shino didn't respond.

Naruto made a face. 'I bet you are.' Shino still didn't respond.

'Ok. Next person. Uh... Sai. You are an excellent artist, are you not?'

'Yes, Naruto.'

'You can draw Kakashi for me.'

'Just that?'

'Oh, and you are willing to be here, as well. Next person, Sasori. Good at mechanics and make puppet shows in your spare time, am I right?'

Sasori raised an eyebrow. 'How do you know that?'

'Resources. You can make a remote control car with a camera on it that can spy through the teacher staff room.'

'I have 5 remote control cars at home.'

'Good, good. This is the plan. We shall destroy, get under, attempt at all means to deprave Kakashi of that hideous mask. First off, I will be getting from Sasuke, twelve water pistols.'

'Twelve? There's eleven,' Sasuke pointed out. 'And-'

'I'm having two. One has water in it, the other has red bull in it, and I'll need the energy rush!'

'Dude, you don't need energy rush.' Kiba said.

'Why?' Naruto pretended to be offended.

'Its either you have some or you bring a can for everyone.'

'Tch.'

'Yeah, _tch_ to you too.' Naruto said to Kiba. Kiba just rolled his eyes and looked away. He could just get up and walk away... but the consequences that Naruto would have to suffer were going to be to fun to watch. It was then when Sai's phone went off, which apparently had been going off every hour, on the hour. He would have turned it off, but Sai... wasn't the type to not answer a call.

Really.

'Just,' Sasuke grounded out, 'Turn. That. Thing. Off.'

Sai shook his head. 'But he's my new... friend.'

'So?'

'So?' repeated Sai. 'Not just any friend, he's a friend from Amegakure. I bet you don't have a friend _there_, Sasuke.'

'I wouldn't really care, Sai.'

End of that conversation.

'Next time we are at school, **hell breaks lose**!' Naruto pumped a fist in the air.

* * *

8pm, Uchiha Residence.

Itachi had come home in a bad mood, giving Sasuke one filthy look before dragging himself to bed.

Madara had come home in his usual mood, practically giving of sparkles at Sasuke before dragging himself to the lounge room to watch Fire Country's funniest videos (uncut).

_Oh well. I get food to myself_. Sasuke picked up his bowl and put it in the dishwasher, which was full, so he turned on. He then went upstairs, turned one Tokio Hotel CD (the others blew up in the microwave) halfway up before getting out his homework.

Homework, whoever invented it had nothing better to do. Or maybe they decided not to invent teleporting machines so students can't go off to Suna to entertain themselves, therefore when students get bored of doing nothing, there's always...

Homework.

He sighed, opening his English textbook to page 28, picking up his pen and underlining a few lines.

Sasuke put the pen down. He felt anxious. Not that Sasuke can get anxious, but he was an Uchiha, after all. Uchihas don't get anxious.

After a good five minutes of thinking, he realised why he was anxious.

Like Naruto, he also wanted to see what was under Kakashi's mask.

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

'I'm vibrating, someone's trying to make me happy,' he muttered before opening his phone up. 'What do you want?'

'Sassssssssuke.'

'Madara. What do you want?'

'Can I ask you a favour?'

'Get Itachi to.'

'He's like, dead at the moment. Been driving for ages, poor thing. Yeah, get your ass down here.'

Annoyed as hell, Sasuke went down the stairs. He found Madara half asleep on the couch with the home phone in hand. He turned to see Sasuke enter.

'What do you want?' he repeated.

Madara's facial features turned devilish.

'Can you change the channel for me?'

'Do it yourself, lazy.'

'Sasuke!' Madara looked shocked, placing both hands on his cheeks as if he was that McCauley Caulkin kid from Home Alone 3 DVD cover, 'I've been in that car all day. I had an exam today, me and 'Tachi properly have to go tomorrow to school to do it, on a friggin' Saturday, for jashin's sake, and I would just like to-watch-the-Fire-countries-funniest-home-videos(uncut) but I really... can't get up. I'm paraplegic.'

'You really are stupid, aren't you?'

'I know you are, but what am I?'

'Naruko's girlfriend.'

'Whatever,' Sasuke saw the remote on top of the TV and threw it at him, hitting Madara in the jaw.

Speak of the devil; Sasuke's phone went off again.

'What?' he said, a, little too demanding.

'It's me.'

'Who?'

'Naruto!'

'Oh,' his voice became calmer as he backed onto one of the couches. Madara turned the volume down, rubbing his jaw, and being nice for once. 'You need something?'

Naruto didn't answer straight away. '...Can I come over tomorrow?'

'...Why?'

'Why!? You are Vice-President of the Unmask-Kakashi operation! We need a meeting! And money.'

'And where are you going to get the money, dobe?'

'You of course,' said Naruto a matter-a-factly.

'Get your own.'

'Oh come on! I had to start my debt all over again! _PLEASE_??'

Sasuke held the phone a foot away from his ear at that last word.

'Just say yes,' said Madara from the couch, stretched out and putting clips in his hair, which he had found under it. 'Or I'll molest you, Sasuke.'

'No,' snapped Sasuke back, 'Because you'll want to do something to him like you did last time!'

Madara shrugged, before turning his attention to the television again.

'Fine, I'll lend you some money.'

'Was that Madara in the background?'

'Maybe. Come around... whatever time. I don't care.'

'Come for _lunch_, honey!' Madara shouted, loud enough for Naruto to hear him.

* * *

12Pm exactly.

'Hey Sasuke, what do you think?' Naruto stepped out Madara's room wearing a purple suit and a zebra-striped top hat, a white and red striped cane and various gems on his fingers.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. 'Please, refrain yourself.'

Naruto pouted. 'Don't get your knickers in a knot; don't you think it looks awesome?'

'It's disgusting. Take it off.' came Sasuke's short reply. 'It's kind of too big for you.'

'I'll grow into it.'

'Yeah, wait till the genie comes to grant _that _wish.'

Naruto smirked. Fine. Have it your way, _Sars-gay_.

12:09PM

'Better?'

Naruto stepped out of Madara's room, wearing a blue dress, zebra-stripped stockings and high heels.

Sasuke gaped, unable to control himself.

Naruto grinned. 'You like it?'

'Madara has that sort of shit in his closet?'

'It's my Alice in Wonderland cosplay set,' Madara said from inside the bedroom; Sasuke didn't even know he was there. 'I am going to get you to wear the Queen's outfit one day, Sasuke.'

'Things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser,' Naruto said, nodding.

'Yeah. Off with your head, asshole. You ain't ever going to see me like that...'

'Wanna bet?'

Sasuke popped his head into Madara's room. It was the room that Madara used when Fugaku was at home, otherwise usually unoccupied, whom the person who had-occupy-it-when-Fugaku-was-home was spaced out on the bed, posing as if he was modelling for Calvin Klein underwear. 'How much?'

'Fifty and your virginit-'

'No!'

'Fine. _Fifty_.'

'You're on.'

'And Naruko's helping me.'

'It's Naruto, not Naruko.' chidded in Naruto, looking through the pockets of the blue dress and finding a pair of dice. 'You really are random, you know. What's with the dice?'

Madara beamed, pleased at what Naruto just said. 'Is Itachi done with the food yet?'

'He's burnt it, I think.' came Sasuke's response. He had given Itachi a step by step guide (35 steps, in fact) on how to make toast.

'It was 35 steps! He's not that stupid!' said Naruto. '...is he?'

Sasuke shook his head. 'You have no idea...'

Right on queue, the fire alarm went off.

* * *

It was then, two minutes later, the shrill ringing had not been turned off. Itachi was silently apologizing to anyone that would listen; a few neighbours had come out and stared at Naruto in a blue dress, and Sasuke wearing a top hat that Madara had placed on his head.

'If Kiba or Hinata see this... I'm ruined...' Naruto (yelled) groaned as he sat on the grass, watching a neighbour wearing headphones on trying to stop the alarm. Unfortunately they didn't know what the code was for the alarm, preceding to ring the firefighters and explain that there wasn't a (big) fire, but someone to turn the alarm off.

Sasuke flopped down also, sobbing (nearly). 'My poor_ toaster_... It had caught on fire.'

'Just buy another.'

'Another? That's the only think Madara hasn't broken yet- Come back here!' he yelled at Madara, who was trying to get into the house by opening the door with his foot, (hands over ears).

'I think he wants to see the fire.'

'It was only little,' said Itachi, loud enough for Sasuke and Naruto to hear over the noise, 'I put water on it.'

'Ok,' said Naruto, sounding annoyed. 'I'm getting out of here; I really need to discuss business with Sasuke.'

'What?' Sasuke looked amused. '_Wearing that_?'

'Give me a minute,' Naruto got up, hands over ears, and ran into the house and up the stairs, into Madara's unoccupied room, stripped off and put his clothes on hurriedly, not noticing his shirt was on backwards, and back down.

Sasuke had taken off his hat, which was now on Itachi, and the two went down the street.

Out of alarm-shot of the house, they started to talk. 'So,' began Sasuke. 'You, as leader, start off the "meeting".'

'Yes! The meeting of the Unmask-Kakashi-operation!'

'Or UKO for short,' said Sasuke, 'Or it could be Unmask-Kakashi-Exeration, or UKE for short.'

'... You have a sick mind.'

'Well excuse me for not being in a female uniform most days. What are people going to say if they see you down the street now?'

'...I don't know- Hey, I HAVE straightened hair! Girly-enough voice to pass! I can do the catwalk without stuffing up! _Eyeliner_!'

'_Eyeliner_?'

'Yeah, I kind of got into that habit.'

Bullshit.

Passing a cafe, they entered and ordered food. Naruto as usual relied on Sasuke to pay for everything.

'How much money do you have?' Naruto bent over to peer into Sasuke's wallet. There were a lot of notes. 'You could feed a country with all that.'

'It runs in the family.'

'No, you guys are just mega-rich-ass people in a mega-rich-ass neighbourhood. I doubt my house was brought with less money with the things you have in your wallet.'

'Get to the point about the UKE operation.'

'It's UKO!'

'...Have it your way.'

Naruto sipped through his straw of orange juice. 'We will get the message through to everyone EXCEPT the teachers about UKO.'

'How?'

'Not by word of voice, which could get intercepted, because sometimes I think Kakashi has super-sonic hearing.' said Naruto seriously. 'Text messaging, first off, we can spread with that.'

'Everyone that is in my contacts already knows.'

'MSN will be the next target.'

'I was thinking of one of those social networking sites, myself, like Myspace, Facebook, Hi-5.'

'Good, but there's something really weird about Facebook,' Naruto's voice turned to a whisper, so Sasuke had to lean in, 'At Konoha High School, _ALL_ the teachers had facebook! And so I befriended them all pretending to be another teacher and sent them shock site material.'

'Shock site?'

'Lemon party pictures and such.'

'What the hell is lemonparty?'

'...You don't want to know.'

'It doesn't sound tasteful, either. What are the chances that Kakashi might have Facebook or Myspace?'

Naruto felt so excited, he bounced around in his seat. 'That was exactly what I was thinking! Is there an internet cafe anywhere here?'

'Not that I know of.'

'When we get back to your place we can look!'

'If it hasn't burnt down, then sure, go ahead,' Sasuke nodded politely at the waitress who put down his meal. 'We need spy gear.'

'Water pistols!'

'Don't you have twelve?' Sasuke deadpanned.

'I only have two.' Naruto grinned sheepily. 'Could you lend me some money? Please?'

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

'Fine. What else?'

'Binoculars. Access to internet. Google Earth. Disguises. Spy-food. Mirrors. And Shino, because he looks like a closet-computer hacker!'

'What for?'

'Get his password, of course!'

'Who?'

'Kakashi's password-' A few people in the cafe were looking at him strangely, as this sort of stuff (in movies anyway) was super-dooper-extra-top-secret (with a cherry on top) and Naruto was acting over the top, even more, (maybe because his brain started working properly) and Sasuke was tucking into his food, trying not to hit the blond idiot who was making such a racket.

Sasuke put his fork down with a clatter. 'But you don't know if he has a Facebook or Myspace or not- He doesn't seem like the technology type.'

* * *

Kakashi Hatake lived in the rich neighbourhood of Konoha, in a four bedroom house. This bedroom house occupied: Kakashi himself, Pakkun, Kakashi's ugly dog thing, A bookcase full of porn novels and the very _darling_ Iruka Umino. In university, everyone gave them the shits about the fact they did_ everything _together.

They weren't gay with each other, really.

One thing that pissed Iruka off the most. Like Jiraiya once said: Kakashi could be the husband; Iruka could fit the role of mother perfectly. He loved cooking shows with Jamie Oliver and Martha Stewart, his favourite show was Ellen Degeneres, had knitted a few jumpers for Pakkun in his lifetime.

Kakashi was the opposite of Jamie Oliver and Martha Stewart. He was just as bad as Itachi with a toaster, refused to be in the same room as Iruka when he was cooking roast beef and couldn't tell the difference between expensive and cheap perfume.

Well, neither can I, but the two of them were always the butt of jokes. Kakashi didn't mind.

He was currently curled up on the lounge, with a cold which should go away by Monday, the remote control in one hand and _Icha Icha Daydreaming _in the other. He found, that having a cold meant it fucked up his brain enough that he read the same sex scene 4 times without realizing, then wondering why he knew the scene off by heart.

'Kakashi, here's your lunch.'

Iruka came in, with a breakfast tray. The tray contained some sort of yellow thick liquid ("Chicken Soup") in a bowl decorated with dolphins and a cup of coffee. _Mmmmm. Coffee_. He snatched the television remote out of Kakashi's grip, changed the channel to the Maury Provich Show and knocked Kakashi's book out of his hand quite easily, as he wasn't holding it as firm as usual.

'Its chicken soup with a bread roll, and coffee. Eat up. And take that sick mask off.'

'Aah, Iruka,' chirped Kakashi like a set of chimes, 'I won't be able to eat, and you'll catch the cold from me.'

'Take. It. Off. NOW.'

The sight of Iruka looking so scary nearly made Kakashi's eyes pop out and burn/swim in his soup. 'Fine.'

Iruka sat down (with one leg over the other, a trait found in 35 percent of men, closet gay or not) and watch Kakashi take his mask off. With the _glare _Iruka was practically admitting, the glare could of melted the mask off, anyway.

'You should really stop with the habit of having a mask on. They talk.'

Kakashi looked at him uninterestedly. 'Who talks?'

'The_ students _at school. One day - they are really going to force that mask off.'

'I have a black belt. It isn't coming off _that _easily.'

Take about compulsory obsessive disorder. Iruka rolled his eyes in an Uchiha-fashion, even though he wasn't an Uchiha. 'You think I don't know that? Look, I'm just warning you. I won't be surprised if it comes off by force within the next month.'

'Aah, Iruka,' said Kakashi, sniffing his coffee. 'You know you can't predict the future.'

It just so happens he could.

* * *

Sasuke had spent a large sum of money just for the Unmask-Kakashi-Operation, which he didn't really mind; he could just get more with from his credit card. Itachi and Madara stared at the two as they came in with two large shopping bags, Naruto putting his on the floor, Sasuke put his roughly on the table, ruining their tea party, brought to you by cold water and the microwave (c).

'...Oi!' Madara yelped when hot tea splattered over his clothes. 'They are _designer_ authentic_ Zabuza Vuitton_ clothes!'

Sasuke grinned an evil, sadistic, twisted smile.

Itachi stared down at where his tea cup had been previously, now tipped sideways. Luckily he had drunk all of it so only a dribble had escaped on the table. He blinked once at the cup, then at Sasuke.

'You can clean that all up. I rest my case.'

'Where?' said Madara (on queue), fiddling with his top hat.

'There,' Itachi pointed to the staircase.

'What?' Naruto looked at them both in confusion.

Sasuke took the bags off the table. 'Obviously while we were gone they were watching Alice in Wonderland-'

'No,' intercepted Itachi, 'We've seen it so many times that we know it off by heart.'

Madara nodded in agreement. 'Hey Itachi, how do you spell 'Stupid'?'

'I'm not stupid!' said Naruto, nearly pouting. Sasuke just shook his head.

There they go again.

'I didn't say you were, Naruko! Yeah, Itachi, how do you spell 'stupid?'?"

'S... T... what comes after "T"?'

'Dinner,' said Sasuke, knowing the movies so well he also knew all the lines.

'Its DINNER time, then!'

The blonde shook his head.

'Its 3pm.'

'Is it really?' Madara clapped his hands together.

'I have an excellent idea;' Sasuke unpacked the items from the shopping bags, 'Let's change the subject.'

Moving the now empty teacups out the way, he took out the items, they had just been to **Toys 'R' Us**: Five pairs of binoculars, "Spy" food (edible chewing gum), blowing bubbles machine (something Naruto wanted) non-scent shampoo (for no reason) a pair of walkie-talkies, 10 water pistols in various colours, bubble tea (because the name sounded cool) safety harness, a brand new GPS, night goggles and quite a lot of cans of red bull.

'Red Bull thanks,' Itachi zipped a hand out and took one from the pile.

'Give it back!'

Itachi flipped his hair back. 'Whatever.'

Madara looked at the bubble machine in interest.

'...I want one.'

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him. 'Get your own.'

* * *

Today, was Monday, the second day of the week, (not in my book) and Kakashi was feeling much better. So much better, he was in a good mood. He whistled on his way to work, almost skipping. The birds were twitting happily, he didn't have much on his mind, his beloved students that he loves to teach sooooooo much were happily going to school in the morning...

'Sasuke, over.' Naruto whispered from his place, holding a walkie-talkie, bizarrely inn a tree, wearing sunglasses and his lovely girls' uniform. 'Has he entered the building yet?'

Sasuke looked up from his position under the tree, sitting on a bench. 'You are only 2 metres away from me; you don't have to use that thing.'

'I'm just testing, over.'

'Who do you have first up, over?'

Sasuke looked over at the school. 'Kakashi.'

'It's Kakashi, over.'

'Kakashi, over,' he repeated.

'Thank you,' said Naruto, his mouth near his walkie-talkie. 'Does this thing come with radio, over?'

'Do I care, over?'

Naruto groaned and shook his head. 'You aren't a good spy, over.'

'I really don't feel like doing this now...' He looked at Naruto again. He was grinning down at the black-haired boy, lazily swinging his arms down.

It was then when a bee decided to buzz annoyingly in Naruto's face, he swatted at it like a fly, lost his balance-

'SHIT!'

He toppled down, almost in slow motion, his nails (bitten with a tiny bit of red nail polish that Kushina had applied some weeks ago) barely scratched back at the tree in hopeless vain that he could swing back like a monkey would, but by the time he thought of that, he had fallen on Sasuke, who hadn't looked up in time.

'SASUKE! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?' Karin positively came out of nowhere and wrenched the two apart; both on queue started coughing and spitting. Sasuke's back hurt like hell and a rib or two could be broken; Naruto fell on top of something soft, but still got the blast of...

Naruto got up and stumbled, then touched his lips gingerly.

'You kissed me!' He regained himself and pointed at Sasuke. Karin was huddled over Sasuke, hoping she could give CPR, but he was breathing. He glared at Naruto.

'No, you fell on top of me!' he opened his eyes.

Karin's mouth dropped open. 'She _WHAT_?'

Naruto was red in the face as he ignored her. 'Thanks soooooooo much! The second kiss I receive is still by an Uchiha-'

'It was an accident!'

'Gyah! All the Uchihas are out to get me!'

'That was just Madara who wanted to get you! I'm sorry-' he tried to say. He could taste the tropical chewing gum that Naruto had been chewing previously. Naruto shook his head-

And burst out laughing.

Karin raised an eyebrow. 'Naruto...?'

Naruto stumbled a little as he gained his grip on the bench. 'Don't worry about it...'

'You change moods even more than a girl.'

'I am a girl? Right?' he sniggered and looked at Karin.

Sasuke got up slowly, clutching his stomach. 'Just one that prefers girls, that's all.'

'_I'm just a sweet transvestite_!' he sang. 'No, I'm joking, gah!' he dodged Sasuke's (weak) hand which tried to hit him, and ran off when the bell went.

Karin looked at Sasuke. 'Are you sure you don't need help at all?'

Sasuke shook his head. 'Give me... a few... minutes. I'll be fine.'

Karin nodded once and turned to the school. Sasuke sat back on the bench, breathing hard. He had just had the wind knocked out of him. That kid was the first person that had ever kissed him that wasn't Madara - which, he knew, if it was someone else, he would be coughing up right now bile and spit. Yes, he got impatient with the kid most of the time, but there was something about him that Sasuke just found amusing and friendly. Sure, it wasn't his fault that he had to dress up as a girl, (hence him being in a bad mood a lot in class) and was missing out on a lot because of his "condition". Which he was getting used to as the days went past... It was no secret that the student body was baffled at them both.

Sasuke smiled lightly at the sun which was coming through the trees.

His back and stomach didn't hurt as much now.

* * *

While Sasuke was outside, Naruto had entered the building; he turned around at a seemingly "empty" hallway, to find Sai right behind him.

'What are you trying to do?' said Naruto sucpiously. 'Ghosting?' (1)

Sai smiled his usual eyes-closed-eyebrows-not-raised-I'm-innocent smile. 'Oh, hello, Naruto. Fancy seeing you here.'

'Pfft, what do you want, Sai?'

'First off,' Sai said in a clam tone, 'Congratulations on nearly knocking Sasuke out and kissing him.'

'That was an accident.'

'I thought you two were going out.' replied Sai.

'Meh... I'm waiting for the divorce papers to come back.'

Sai nodded. 'Yes, well, anyway, I've done a bit of work on the Unmask Kakashi Operation. You see, I've made badges.' Sai opened up his bag and gave Naruto an orange badge with the words "UKO" on the front.

'I'm glad you didn't put Kakashi's name on it, but thanks, Sai.'

'Oh, I put his name on the back.'

'You what?' Naruto turned the badge over. Sai had written in impossibly small handwriting: UKO Stands for Unmask-Kakashi-Operation. We are trying to get as many members as possible. Please wear these badges and hope of getting Kakashi-sensei to take his mask off.

'...How many did you produce?'

Sai jiggled his bag, the metal safety pins on the back of the badges hitting together like faint bells. 'About 100.'

'Yeah, and everyone can think it's the latest craze!'

Sai nodded. 'That's my point.'

Naruto pinned his own badge on, and Sai trailed off to find other people to give the badges too. Naruto, feeling pleased with himself, turned around again, this time to go to class before his first lesson came up, to find Shino staring at him in the face.

Or Shino could have been looking somewhere else; those black glasses didn't show his eyes. Maybe Shino had no eyes... Or maybe he was hopelessly blind.

'Naruto.'

Naruto nearly squealed (like a girl). 'Don't scare me like that!'

'Alright then. Naruto, I have some news.'

'Good or bad?'

'Both.'

'Tell me the bad news, then, first.'

Shino shook his head. 'No, because it corresponds with the good news, which it will ruin the good news if I say.'

'??'

Shino ignored Naruto's confused look.

'I did some research last night on Kakashi-sensei. I managed to find him on Facebook. In fact... most of the teachers have Facebook.'

Naruto nodded. 'Totally great. And... The bad news?'

'I couldn't see his face.' Shino crossed his arms. 'After school I will find more information.' Shino tapped his chest with his right hand. A blue UKO badge was pinned against his uniform.

* * *

By recess, the word had spread; I mean two of them.

The first one was Unmask-Kakashi Operation. It spread around only the students, and Sai's badges were sold out quickly They all recognized Naruto as their self-important leader (and Sasuke as vice) merely because of the other word that had spread:

Naruto fell on top of Sasuke from a tree and their mouths met.

At least it was true, though.

And many girls weren't happy about it. At Konoha High School Academy, if one girl liked another boy, then all their little friends in the friendship group would do the same thing.

Many friendship groups liked Sasuke. He was good to look at, bad to talk to. They would receive one harsh stare and leave, tears in their pretty eyes. Many friendship groups didn't like Naruto. The girl who preferred to hang out with the "untouchable" example: Sasuke, Itachi, Madara, Kiba. She was brash, tough, but sometimes she was quite nice and tried to her very hardest to please those in and for the host club, which she was dragged into. (Guess whose fault that was...)

To make matters clear, if Sasuke was the leader, the whole student body would have been in and Kakashi's mask would be off in a tick. Yet this was Naruto, our leader, the student body didn't really think much of her... or him, depending on your perspective. Except for the fact she merely looked and acted the part that she could get something done ABOUT this Kakashi business...

'Look at them all!' Naruto, his voice almost high-pitched with excitement, kind of like a schoolgirl going to see their favourite band. 'They all have the UKO badge! Hey... I just realised...' he turned to Kiba, grinning. 'That UKO sounds like Yu-Gi-Oh!'

Kiba snorted.

'Jeez, that was random.'

It was.

'Naruto!' a voice from a group of students waved at him. 'We are right with you!'

'Thanks!' Naruto didn't even know the guy.

Kiba patted Naruto on the back as he took his necklace off; it had a golden key on the end, which he put into his lock on his locker: it opened and Kiba swiveled around (somehow) to take a couple of books out his schoolbag and replace them with others. Naruto leaned on the other lockers casually to talk to Kiba.

'God, my ass hurts from falling out the tree today.' He pulled a non-existent thread from his skirt, 'Least my teeth didn't get knocked out.'

'I was under the impression you liked it, you are a girl, after all.'

'Girl Monday to Friday, asshole. When people get kissed, they don't have to like it.'

Kiba grinned sharp teeth. 'Have it your way.' He slammed his locker shut. 'So,' he continued, 'did you like it?'

'Like what?'

The Mutt rolled his eyes. 'The kiss!'

'...I don't know. I mean, I fell on top of him, it was an accident!'

'Feh. Let's ask Sasuke!'

'Ask Sasuke what?'

Madara was right in front of Naruto, (with a red UKO badge on his collar) as Naruto had been looking at the ground and hadn't seen him coming.

'Sasuke's cousin!' Kiba exclaimed. 'Did you hear-?'

'Shut _UP_, KIBA!'

Madara placed a hand over Naruto's mouth. 'Hear what? Something I don't know about Sasuke that I can laugh about to him later? You little shit!-'

Naruto bit Madara's hand. Madara retracted said hand and held it protectively to his chest. 'Please tell me...'

'Naruto fell on top of Sasuke today and they kissed!'

If Madara was old and frail, he would have had a heart attack just then. He stopped walking.

'They _WHA_T!?' Madara clasped his hands together, looking out to imagative scenery. (E.g. - when a female love struck anime character is looking in love with a boy, shiny BIG BIG eyes like in anime adult games, sakura blossoms going everywhere... you get the idea), tears starting to swim from the excitement pooling up in his body. 'Where was I? When did this happen? H_OW come I wasn't there_?'

'It was an accident,' Naruto said. Madara smirked.

'I bet it wasn't.'

'I bet it was.'

'I bet you liked it.'

'I bet you would have liked it. Look,' Naruto turned to face him, still looking love struck into the distance, obviously some sort of scheme was going into his head at that moment, 'It was an accident, it won't happen again. Hopefully.'

'I was under the impression you two were dating,' Kiba remarked.

'Shut it, Kiba.'

'Woof,' said Kiba in return, 'No, really. You two are together a lot.'

'That's because we are really good friends!'

'Yeah, my ass.'

'Friends with benefits,' agreed Madara. 'Oh, look who is coming...' He said quickly as Naruto's anger-thermometer went slowly up, and then down.

Kakashi Hatake walked lightly towards them, with his usual book and mask on. That goddamn mask - Naruto just wanted to rip it off!

'Hello, Kakashi-sensei!' Naruto grinned at him, smiling like he had just won the lottery. 'How are you today?'

Kakashi stopped and stared in surprise at him. That blonde kid in one of his science classes that refused to say many words was actually talking to him, hanging out with Kiba and Madara, out of everyone.

'I'm very well, thank you for asking. Although I feel a little sick, as I was early today...' He trailed off when he saw Naruto's cheesy grin. 'Why?'

'Oh, you don't look so good today, sensei, that's why.' he chirped.

Kakashi shook his head. 'Oh, I don't mind at all...'

Naruto stepped closer to him.

'Hey, can I ask you a question, sensei?'

Kakashi scratched his head before replying. 'Is it something to do with science?'

'Not really.' Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto could see a few students gathered around, listening. '...I was wondering, you see, do you gamble?'

'I? Gamble?' Kakashi sounded confused. 'No, I don't.'

'Have you ever gambled before, sensei?'

'When I was in teaching school, I broke a pokies machine when I wanted my money back,' Kakashi said casually, his lips moving under that fugly mask, 'And I won some money on a lotto draw once, but no, I don't anymore.'

'Would you like to play a game of roulette with me, then?' Naruto asked.

Kakashi stared at his student. He? Kakashi Hatake? Play Roulette with a female schoolgirl with a bratty attitude to boot?

'No, I'm afraid my gambling days are over.'

'Oh come on, Kakashi,' Madara intercepted. He usually called the teachers by their first names anyway, 'Are you... afraid?'

'Afraid? I'm not afraid.'

'You are afraid!' Naruto suddenly pointed a finger at Kakashi. 'I know why!'

'Why, then?'

'Because you don't know HOW to play roulette!'

'I do, but I'm not going to play. Anything else you wanted?'

'Yeah,' the blonde crossed his arms. 'Why do you cover your face?'

Kakashi stared at Naruto in surprise.

'Aah, Naruto,' There's something's in life you would not want to reveal. Such as... the fact you have odd socks on-'

'I do not_ have_ odd socks on!'

'It was just an example. But for me, I do not wish to reveal what is under my mask. At this time and day.' Kakashi inclined his head in (some) sort of respect, and was about to walk away when-

'I bet you have beaver teeth, sensei!'

Kakashi turned around. Naruto was gone.

'Sensei, she disappeared into thin air!' Kiba exclaimed. 'Isn't Naruto _marvelous_?'

* * *

** AN "Ghosting" is a (real in my case) sport which you sneak up on someone and get as close as possible to them without them seeing. Hamish and Andy, 2 comedians, did ghosting in Beijing. They were ghosting the Chinese military. xD**

**Thats only Part 1 of Unmask Kakashi. That was kind of... long. ..Ger than usual. Yes, that gambling thing... they might eventually get Kakashi into that! **


	16. Operation Unmask Kakashi Part 2

Jaja! 13, 000 hits!! I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut the story short - ever since I started writing this thing up -because I can type so fast and for so long that I've injured both my hands. Its not finished yet - Don't worry. Yeah, I'm also looking for a beta.

* * *

--

**UNMASK KAKASHI. PT 2.**

--

Due to contrary belief at Konoha High School Academy, Naruto Uzumaki was not stupid. In fact, Naruto was (kind of) smart. He was one of those people that refused to do the work, then finish it, all correct. He spent the next lesson not listening to the teacher go on and on and on and on and on and on about the legend of Kirigakure and its bloodthirsty education methods, just a legend, not real or anything, instead of writing down what the teacher was going on about, he occupied himself on writing schemes on how to get Kakashi's mask off. Three pages of scrawly messy handwriting with a few doodles here and there of kakashi's head, dripping blood, inmaginative scenes of Kakashi having his mask ripped off, and even one Kakashi with what Naruto hoped which he looked like underneath. Normal.

* * *

Next lesson, how ever, he did have Kakashi, for science.

* * *

Naruto managed to put a banana peel a foot away from the open door when Kakashi glided in, quietly.

'LATE!' Naruto recollected himself after being shocked and pointed a finger at Kakashi. Kakashi eyed the finger for a moment, then fluttered to the banana peel, dodged said peel and closed the door. 'Naruto, go back to your seat.'

Naruto got up and marched back, grumbling loud enough for Kakashi to hear 'beaver sensei' and 'grey haired old pedo man who wore a mask after getting tortued in jail with a whip which is why there are scars over his mouth' and sat next to whoever was sitting next to him.

'Right,' Kakashi sat down lightly on a chair and began taking the roll. When he got to Naruto's name, Naruto didn't say anything to him, to busy scribbling down yet another scheme to rip that damn mask off, so Kakashi marked him (her) as absent anyway. Parents who had their children as absent were sent a text message asking for their whereabouts. He started to write on the board, when-

'Hey, are we having a theory lesson on science, or a practical lesson on science?'

Without looking at Naruto, he replied, 'Yes.'

* * *

In the end, Naruto squirmed in his seat delightfully as his lab partner sat down with the chemicals they would be mixing today. There, right next to him, something like water, because it was clear. But like I mentioned before, Naruto isn't stupid. He knows its...

'Is that Hydrochloric acid?'

His nerdy-looking lab partner nodded. 'Yes, HCI.'

'HC what?'

His lab partner looked at him quizzically from the frames around her eyes. 'Chemical formula for Hydrochloric acid... Surely you knew that?'

'I just about failed most subjects last year.'

She nodded, a UKO red badge gleaming from her chest. 'Oh, ok. Why did you want to know?'

'Yeah,' Naruto eyed the beaker. 'What happens when it is applied to skin?'

The girl looked up at Kakashi, then back at Naruto. 'It turns the skin into a soapy like substance.'

Naruto looked closely at the Hydrochloric Acid. 'Sexy.'

The girl stared at him.

'I mean... Never mind. What about on clothes?'

'Don't know,' the girl replied. Naruto swished the substance in a glass beaker, and trotted off to Kakashi, still holding the glass. Kakashi was in the direction of three of four girls that acted like they were from the movie Mean Girls and currently hitting on Kakashi, which the grey haired man wasn't buying return, as he was completely obvious to them. Naruto snorted at their lame attempts.

'Yeah, student teacher relationships are_ illegal,_' Naruto said as he came up behind them.

'Oh, hey Naruko!' one girl smiled. 'What do you have in the glass? Water?'

'What do you think? Its a science lab,' Naruto grinned evilly and smirked at Kakashi. If those girls could be so nice, why don't he? 'Sensei, can I see under your mask?'

Kakashi thought it out slowly.

'No.'

'Oh come on.'

'P_ur_rrl_eas_e?'

'No.'

Naruto wasn't defeated just yet. In fact, he got a little more, er... ruder. 'I'll tell everyone you had sex with-'

'Narukoo! Don't be so rude!' one of the girls whacked her hand out, and Naruto "forgot" to dodge.

The Hydrochloric acid went straight onto Kakashi's face.

The class was deathly silent, as Kakashi sat driping Hydrochloric acid, onto his orange book.

Then-

'That doesn't matter, I have a scuba diving mask on.' he said as if nothing happened.

Naruto spluttered. 'WHAT? Its going to burn! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, SENSEI! Help me, _Flying Spaghetti Monster... rAmen... My sensei_!'

'Shut up and get another teacher!' snapped one of the girls at Naruto who obviously belonged to the unofficial Kakashi fanlisting LTD, 'Sensei, I'm really being serious! That stuff is dangerous!'

'I am a teacher. In fact,' said Kakashi, taking off his first layer of mask, revealing a black rubber one underneath, 'I am in no danger at all- Naruto, where are you going?'

Naruto had all ready ran out of the classroom. 'KAKASHI'S DYING! _HE'S GOING TO DIE_!! H_ELPPPPP_!'

-- Tuesday, 9:10 am --

First lesson was with, the one and only: Kakashi. Today, he was wearing a doctors mask and very much alive, thank you very much. The school heard of Naruto's courageous efforts and admired her for it. Well, most.

Sasuke had glared at anyone who made faces at the poor boy, and once a Uchiha glares, everything... and everyone... is doomed, .e.g, the apologize came a little earlier than December 12 2012.

Without further adue, the most unemotional git with jokes associated with penises, also known as one of the best artists at Konoha Host Academy, also known as Sai, was standing outside the doorway, waiting for Kakashi.

When Kakashi (finally) came, late, per usual, he came in, Sai followed. Finally when everyone started working, he turned to Sai, got his book out, began reading for about a minute, then,

'Aren't you in second year?'

Sai shifted a little. 'Well, sensei, I have to do a life portrait of a teacher. We picked out out of a hat and I got you.'

Either Sai was telling the truth or he was a very good liar.

'Could I draw you please?' Sai even had his sketchbook ready.

'I am in the middle of teaching-'

'No, you were reading,' Naruto shot out of nowhere to Sai's side. 'Isn't that true, sensei?'

It was perfectly true, but Kakashi would never admit that.

'I know the person who writes those porns you read.'

'And who is that?' Kakashi looked at him inquirely while Sai started sketching Kakashi without permission.

'His name is Jiraiya. He's a bigger pervert than you.'

'And how do you know him?'

'He's my godfather.'

Kakashi nodded once under the mask. 'He was my college professor-'

'Kakashi-sensei, are you going out with Iruka-sensei?'

Kakashi gave him the usual-puzzled-look-that-he-gave-students-whenever-they-asked-such-a-question.

'Is that yes?'

'No...'

'But your tone of voice says yes!'

'This is my normal voice.'

Any other teacher would of blasted Naruto to the moon and back six times, but Kakashi was too confused. He shook his head, and got Icha Icha Days out and began to read again.

'Sensei,' said Sai. 'I've nearly finished your portrait. Could you take your mask off so I can fi-' Before he finished, there was a knock on the door. Kakashi looked over at the door, jumped out of his lazy position and book away, within five or six nanoseonds. It was as fast as the speed of light!

Iruka was at the doorway.

'Aah, Iruka!' Kakashi chriped, picking up a whiteboard texta and a science book, opening to a random selection and putting Icha Icha Days in it and hiding it from Iruka's view. 'If its about the stove, I'm sorry-'

'No need,' Iruka put a hand up from Kakashi saying anymore. 'I need to see Naruto. She has a conseller appointment with me.'

'...Eh? Me? What? When?'

Iruka chuckled slightly. 'I forgot to mention. Naruto, pack your things up-'

'Am I in trouble?'

'You could be when you don't come with me,' Iruka said sternly. Naruto gave a small 'eep', rushed back to his workstation, knocked over a bunsen burner stand and stuffed all his things into his bag, also swiftly putting a box of matchsticks in his pocket, in case Iruka held him captive and needed to escape by setting the fire alarm off. 'I saw that,' he also added, pointing at Naruto's pocket.

'See what?' piped up Kakashi.

Iruka winked at Naruto. 'Never mind.'

Naruto zipped up his bag (with Hello Kitty keychains on, Kushina had taken up the opportunity of buying a few when she got free vouchers to _Big W_) threw it over his shoulder, half swaggered, half walked normally out with Iruka.

He rushed up to Iruka's side as they walked down the empty hallway. 'I didn't do summing or nuffing.'

'No, Naruto, you did not do anything wrong,' Iruka reminded him for the millionth time. 'Sorry I did not ask you for a session with me-'

'I thought you taught English.'

'Yes, but I also help. I'm a counselor.'

'What are you? Kids Help Line specialist that teaches English while telepathically communicating with children in need?'

Iruka laughed. 'No, But nice idea, no... Here's my office.'Naruto threw his bag over one of the chairs and sat down. It was a nicely lit room with a white ceiling and other teachers offices around to poke fun and find out everything about teachers at leisure. Iruka's was quite clean; a coffee mug here and there and a few papers, a sticky note reminding him what was on for dinner tonight. A photograph lay on the lowest shelf: a younger version of Iruka and Kakashi on horseback; apparently they must of been equestrians.

'So which one of you is Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal-' Iruka glared at him, sitting down and swinging one leg over the other. '...Alright! I was joking...'

'Lets get into it,' Iruka opened his drawer and shuffled through his papers. 'Now, I hear you know Jiraiya.'

'Of course.'

'We have kept in touch for the last so and so years. And he was my college professor.'

Naruto didn't say anything.

'And he told me over the phone last night on your... situation.'

Naruto still didn't say anything.

'As Konoha High School Academy-'

'Did he tell you about UKO?' Naruto blurted out, slapping his hands on his thighs. Noticing Iruka's puzzled look, he retreated. 'Uh- never mind.'

'_UKO? Yu-Gi-Oh_? Isn't that a children card game?' asked Iruka. Naruto shook his head, and Iruka continued, 'Konoha High School Academy's main counselor, I had kept a watch over you. It is obvious by your attitude that you are a boy. I looked through your student folder and all the records of abuse on school property and the request on keeping your gender safe. Naruto, can you tell me why you haven't messed up this school yet?'

The blonde twiddled his fingers. 'I have a debt to pay. I didn't need to pay at my last school. Anyway, Dad's out for a while so I can't borrow money off him.'

'And who is your father?'

'Minato Namikaze, of the Nami-Kaze.'

'Konoha's Yellow Flash?' Iruka suggested, the nickname used for when Minato was at the height of his bikie years. Naruto nodded.

'I'll be damned. Well, you even look like him.'

Naruto felt a sense of pride.

'Moving on,' Iruka waved his hand, 'Besides being literally forced to crossdress, I also hear your grades are falling.'

'They have always been like that.' Naruto said casually, picking at his skirt.

'I believe you are a smart person. Have you ever payed any attention in class?'

Naruto thought hard. Aah. Shiiit. Since when was the last time he payed the slightest attention?

'Um... Good point. Heh heh... Yeah... erm... Kakashi's science class yesterday?'

'What did you do?'

'I held some Hydrochloric Acid really carefully... until some girl knocked it out my hands!' he waved his hands around. 'It was her fault... really! And it got onto Kakashi-sensei's mask. Yeah, Sensei, have you seen whats under Kakashi's mask?'

The brown haired man smiled slightly. 'I have. Nothing intresting.'

'Ohhh! Whats under it? Do you have a picture!?'

Iruka nodded and got out his wallet.

Naruto leaned closer, ready to snatch the picture away from Iruka, photocopy onto large paper, and put up around the school. But as Iruka found said wallet (a leather brown one) and looked through the wallet, his face dropped.

'Oh. He's taken it out.'

'...He WHAT?' Naruto snatched the wallet off him, and Iruka took it back.

'Sorry.'

'Sorry isn't good enough-'

'Naruto!'

'I am going to get that fucking mask off-'

'_Naruto_!'

'Both masks, inface-'

'_NARUTO_!' Iruka yelled loudly, and Naruto could of cowered. He stopped speaking at once. Iruka-Glare was just as bad as a Uchiha-Glare, except that Naruto was immune to those. 'That's not the point!'

'The _point_ is that you have seen Kakashi without his mask!'

'Be quiet. End of subject, now this is what I made you come here for, as I'm helping you,' Iruka said in a much softer tone than before.

'I don- Wait, what? Helping me!? To get Kakashi's mask off?' Naruto could not believe it. He grinned at the ceiling. _Ramen..._

'Ah, no.'

Naruto came crashing back to earth; he had just been staring at the lightbulb (one of those energy saving ones) and blinked twice till the face of Iruka came into view again in his vision. 'I will be giving you this.'

Iruka handed Naruto a piece of paper.

'What's this?'

'Your special behavior management plan.'

'...My what?' Naruto blinked like an owl on drugs at the paper. At the top in Comic Sans font bore 'Behaviour Management Plan' and a description below it:

_This plan is for those with failing grades or are distractive in class. After each lesson, the teacher that taught the class will write a special comment below in the box appointed. If faiiled to go by, or the student in question has not committed themselves to learn, action will be taken..._

'No fucking way, man.' Naruto didn't even bother to keep in his swearing. He used the F word more around grown-ups then people his age, proberly to get attention.

Iruka's glare was cold. 'I have been asked to give this to you. Us teachers have had a meeting over... certain students.' At this, Iruka noted the disgruntled look on Naruto's face, which was coming from a kid who happened to be disgruntled every day as he was practically being forced to cross dress 50 hours a week, 'And if you don't compel with this, your parents will be called.'

'Yeah, they wouldn't care.' Naruto's words were short and clipped. 'Good luck finding my Dad. Where ever he is. Anyway. Does this make my "behaviour" improve or something along those lines?'

'Of course, we have had success with it. Each week, you will head to my office and get another sheet-'

'Who did you test? That weird creepy red head kid that glares at me whenever I'm hosting someone? Gaara?'

'Gaara doesn't have anything wrong with him,' Iruka said defensively.

Naruto tapped his chin. 'Ok. How about Madara? He's bloody insane.'

Iruka sighed. 'It isn't really non of your concern,' the tanned man looked up at the clock. 'Its nearly second lesson. From tomorrow, hand that paper to each teacher-' At this, Naruto stuffed the now crumbled paper into his pocket, 'And now I have a lesson to prepare. Don't bother Kakashi with his mask, either.'

'I will,' said Naruto as sweetly as he mustered. 'Or won't.'

Iruka gave him a warning look.

'And I'll try and not make any jokes about you two again?' Naruto hoped he'd take the bait.

'I'm a teacher, Naruto. I tolerate insults on a daily basis,' Iruka said calmly. 'Not this school, at least. Surprisingly well behaved, the students here. I wonder why. Except you, of course. No offence, hope none is taken.'

Naruto raised his eyebrows. 'WHat am I? The black sheep of the white flock?'

'Of course, yes.'

* * *

I'm afraid I cut this short, because my hands are killing me right now. Its taken me a month to write this... oh well.

(1) rAmen is just a parody of 'amen' or, look up 'flying spaghetti monster' in google.

(2) Kids Help Line - um... childline? Where kids call up and talk to older professional counselors.

(3) Kushina works at an office 3 days a week typing up information pamphlets about corgis.

Next chapter will have Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke. And Sasori Sasori Sasori. And Madara. Because Madara is pure win.

Ive been asked a couple of times and why there is a show called 'Naruto' in this fanfic, so does that mean Naruto is just a different character with the same name? Uh, no. This is just me being an idiot, folks. I'm messing with your minds. This story shouldn't be taken seriously.And since you guys use references from your own country (particulary America), I'm doing that to, as most of the time I kinda don't have any idea what you are talking about.

Another question was the ages. Naruto is 15, Sasuke is 16, Madara and Itachi are 18. I know canonly there's 5 years difference between Itachi and Sasuke, and 100 or so between Madara and them both, but... yeah. Thats it xD.


	17. Desperate measures and the double agent

Sorry, been drawing. Um I had the first three paragraphs on my desktop and I have to take my computer to the computer store tomorrow to get it fixed so I thought I could try and update at least SOMETHING. Who knows, the computer guy might just accidentally click on my stories... I've also been drooling over kakuhidan and deitobi fanarts.

* * *

**Konoha Hostess Club _17_**

_**-**_

_**-**_

One of Naruto's thick headed lame ideas _which _somehow he thought it was a great idea: SPYING.

_5pm._

'Hey, Sasori, can I talk to you for a minute?' Naruto sat down on the empty armed chair next to the red-headed teen.

'A minute. I'm counting.'

Sasori Akasuna was one of those guys you'd meet on a bus. You know the ones that have a blank expression, no emotion but surprisingly good-looking despite the face he got teased for his red hair a lot. But no, Sasori didn't give a shit about his hair.

Before I keep fangirling/rambling on about Sasori, he turned towards Naruto, with an almost impatient look on his face.

Naruto's mouth twisted into a foxy grin and tapped his UKO badge. 'We're going out tonight, Sasuke and I-'

'Excuse me?' Sasuke's voice came from the other side of the room, and a spoon hit Naruto square on the head with deadly accuracy.

'That's Sasuke-language for "yeah",' Naruto informed Sasori. Sasori nodded once. Yes, he recognized this language. Itachi used it a lot. Thankfully each Akatsuki member had a book called _Learn Uchiha without Words by Hitomi and Noriaki Uchiha_ at hand, 'And thanks to Shino's expert hacking onto Kakashi's facebook, we've discovered he lives at 8 Aoi Road. So we're going to go snooping tonight, so that'll Sasuke, I, you, blonde guy-'

'Deidara?'

'A-huh.'

'Why?'

'Someone say my name, yeah?' Deidara had appeared as soon as his ears picked up his name.

'We're talking about you, not to you,' Sasori told him. 'Go away.'

Deidara frowned; a look of complete annoyance formed his face. 'Why can't I listen?'

Naruto ignored him. 'Listen, you don't have anything cool like secret camera things, do you?'

* * *

At 8pm that night, Naruto dressed in a black skivvy, black jeans, black beanie and orange converses. He bid his mother and Kyuubi goodbye without telling them what he was doing and hopped off. He now knew his way around the rich-ass part of Konoha now, thanks to stalking the place since he started at Konoha High School Academy.

It took him 15 minutes to get to the Uchiha's. He'd brought with him a torch, deciding Sasuke could bring the rest. The Uchiha Palace slash House currently had someone outside...

'Uh, Madara. What are you doing?'

Madara tossed back his hair and admired his work. He was using the light from the street lamp, crouching down with the letterbox on one side, tossed away, and where the letterbox was previously, Madara had replaced it with the microwave.

_Jesus fucking Christ_. When Sasuke or Itachi see what he has done... Naruto sidestepped the abandoned letterbox and leaned against the gate, watching him.

'I'm changing the letterbox, of course. The old one was derro.'

'Come again?'

Madara had a bit of his tongue sticking out a little as he managed to pull apart a bit of duct tape with his bare hands to tape on the microwave. 'It means homeless, but anyone uses it these days for any insult. So the poor side of Konoha are derros.'

Naruto frowned. 'That's very nice of you, asshole.'

'No problem.'

'...So why are you using your microwave as a letterbox? Do Itachi and Sasuke know that you took it?' he said while Madara fiddled with the tape again.

'Hmm... Not that I know of. Sasuke's upstairs, playing with his new telescope, he got it yesterday in the mail.'

Naruto jumped over the letterbox, passed Madara and inside. He saw a flicker of the TV from the lounge room, without saying Hi to Itachi; he jumped up the stairs, two at a time.

He knocked on Sasuke's door, as it was locked and he couldn't barge in anyway without a foot to the head.

'Open up! It's me!' There was a sound of the door being unlocked and Sasuke's head appeared, and he opened the door for Naruto to be let in.

Sasuke's room was still as senile as ever, except now there was a telescope perched by the window, black, and a chair underneath. Sasuke closed the door as Naruto stepped in and automatically walked over to the telescope in admiration. No doubt this was expensive. It had an aura of... well; let's say if Naruto placed his fingerprints on the telescope, it would activate some sort of magical power that would make his fingers catch on fire. It was sleek, it was awesome and it-

'Will you stop goggling at my telescope?'

Naruto blinked and saw Sasuke join him. Sasuke flicked Naruto's hand away and focused his eye through the scope. 'You can see Jupiter just there near the tree.'

'Can I see?' Naruto asked politely. Sasuke backed off while Naruto looked through the telescope. 'Dude... it's like... small.'

'It's not really that small. Jupiter is around 11 times the size of earth.'

'Really?'

'Yeah...' Sasuke placed his hand on Naruto's shoulder. 'Really.'

Naruto smiled at the contact. 'I see you've come quite accustomed to me.'

Sasuke shrugged. Naruto raised his head to see Sasuke looking at him. He blushed slightly and concentrated on the stars. Sasuke smiled a little inside. Sometimes Sasuke really needed bonds...

'...Making yourself comfortable there?' Sasuke sounded amused as he saw Naruto close his eyes and lean back. Damn, he really did look like a girl. He was growing his hair out, too, even more than usual. He could put it in a small ponytail now.

'Yeah. A bit.'

'Hn.'

They continued to be silent for another minute when Naruto suddenly remembered WHY he was _there_.

'We're meeting Sasori and Deidara over at the Tenchi Bridge at 6. They're bringing things along for the operation...' Naruto trailed off, breaking free of Sasuke's grip.

'What exactly is the operation exactly?' Sasuke asked.

'Spying on Kakashi's house.' said Naruto as if it was the totally most normal thing that he would do everyday.

'Dobe, that's going a little too far, don't you think?' Sasuke questioned, lifting his shirt off and throwing it into the laundry hamper. Naruto turned away in time. If he hadn't turned around, he would be staring at Sasuke as if he was a girl reading a yaoi manga._ Junjou Romantica_ it would be, in fact.

Naruto shook his head. 'I will do anything to see what's under that mask!'

'Well, yeah, but there's only one problem...' Sasuke lifted his head and nodded at the doorway.

The blonde turned to the door to see...

'Sounds like fun. I'm coming!' Madara exclaimed, giving Naruto a thumbs up.

Sasuke groaned.

'You see?' Sasuke gestured at his cousin, as if Naruto could understand what he was going on about.

Naruto squinted and cocked his head to the side. 'What?'

Sasuke pointed at Madara. 'If he comes, it'll ruin everything!'

'What?' Madara sounded like he had just been told his microwave had been removed from the front of the house. 'No, Naruko! Don't listen to Sasuke!'

'It's Naruto.'

'Whatever!!' Madara glared at Sasuke. 'You can't tell me what to do.'

'This is my father's house, not yours-'

'Itachi has more authority of you, _dear cousin_.'

_Dear Santa..._ Sasuke thought as Madara trailed off to his and Itachi's room to find some black clothes to wear, _For Christmas I would like no Madara..._

* * *

Itachi looked up from reading _Malory Towers by Enid Blyton_ to see (no surprise) Naruto, Sasuke and Madara, Madara putting eyeliner on and trying to look like Marilyn Manson. Naruto and Madara were grinning their heads off; Sasuke looked as if he didn't want to be there. Now, it would have looked normal BUT all three had black clothes on.

'Itachi,' said Sasuke calmly before Itachi could open his mouth, 'Before you stare, just letting you know if we aren't back by twelve tonight, check the police station. You might find us there.'

'Cheerio!' Madara waved Itachi as the three of them walked into the cool night air. Sasuke stared at the microwave as they walked past; Naruto tugged him forward before he could kick it off.

'Don't worry bout that. Uh... you know where 8 Aoi Road is, do you?'

'Hmm,' Sasuke pointed to the left. 'Somewhere that way.'

'Aoi... Aoi... Ano Sora...' Madara hummed to himself as he took a left, only to be held back by Naruto. People walking their dogs late at night saw the three of them in black, and vividly etched their faces into their brains - just in case three people had robbed a store and the police were looking for them.

'No... We have to get to Tenchi Bridge first; we're meeting Deidara and Sasori there.'

'Ah, okay- wait - _DEIDARA SENPAI!_??'

* * *

The tunnel came into view; darkness had already surrounded them, as no streetlamps came around to this place. Sasori and Deidara were waiting at the entrance, with a mobile phone as a torch, Deidara had a cage in his hand, and Sasori had a bag behind his back.

Now, these two... weren't exactly wearing black.

'Se_e_ee_eee_enpai!' Madara ignored Sasori and took Deidara's hand and gave it a kiss. Deidara rolled his eyes.

'Don't ever do that again, un.'

'But I missed you! I haven't seen you for like, _4 hours_!'

'Whatever, un. Itachi with you?'

Madara looked around as if Itachi was there. 'Eh... Nah. I thought that was going to follow us. I can't wait for tonight, aren't you excited, Naruko?'

'Don't call me Naruko,' Naruto took off his beanie and shook his hair out. It got hot under there if it was on for long. 'I thought you guys were gonna dress in black.'

'Pfft,' Sasori snorted. 'Why? It'll be a dead giveaway, girl.'

'Hmm,' Sasuke agreed, 'we should swap some clothes around.'

'You can, I'm not. I like looking emo.'

Sasori took off his green shirt. 'Sasuke, were the same size, we can swap.'

Sasuke took the fabric and grimaced at it.

_Uchihas don't wear green._ IT IS THE LAW THAT Uchiha's do not wear funky colours, .e.g pink, GREEN, orange. _  
_

'I'm not wearing that-'

'Do it, teme! I'm president so I have higher authority!' Naruto urged him, pulling Sasuke's t-shirt over his head.

Sasori and Deidara stared at this new development. Yeah, well, everyone knew that Naruto was famous at their school for being immune to an Uchiha-glare and managed to be on extremely good terms with Sasuke. Sasori looked over at his arch-rival slash nemesis Madara Uchiha, who was another competitor to win Deidara's affection (unfortunate Itachi would never let him touch Deidara with a ten foot pole, but sometimes, well, most of the time, Madara got away with it). Sasuke managed to hold Naruto away while he struggled to get his t-shirt off and switch to Sasori's.

Sasuke looked as grumpy as ever.

'You wanna swap?'

Naruto turned his eyes to Deidara. Deidara was wearing a fluro green shirt A_NDY WARHOL SUCK_S written on the front. 'Uh - who's Andy Warhol-?'

'No!' Sasori put a finger to his mouth after fitting a black t-shirt in place. 'No, not changing, you two aren't. Anyway, you would get this idiot on the conversation of who much Andy Warhol sucks.'

'Who?'

'He's this total idiot. Makes crap art,' Deidara told Naruto. 'If I was alive in the 1960s, I would have blown him up, un...'

Deidara continued to rant about Andy Warhol as they set off to 8 Aoi Avenue, Sasori kept making side comments, then it cascaded into a full blown argument about art, then Naruto added his two cents in, then of course Madara had to open his mouth and say something, making Deidara hit him with his free hand.

They got to the very corner of Aoi Avenue. There was a small memorial park with a criss-cross path in the middle with a wooden bench where the criss-cross paths met.

Sasori and Deidara put their things on the bench, the four of them crowding around the objects. Naruto had brought a torch, Sasuke had brought three pairs of non-nerdy looking night-vision sunglasses, Madara had brought a stick of eyeliner and condensed milk (army food rations), and Deidara had brought a cage with something in it and Sasori, a bag.

'Alright,' Sasori opened his bag. 'I have cameras, puppets, walkie-talkies, many things technology related.'

'Is that all?'

'No...' Sasori smirked, tapping the cage. 'We've brought someone else.'

'Yeah,' said Deidara. 'If we can't get close to Kakashi's house, I've brought along my pet cat.'

Naruto wasn't expecting such a weird answer. 'Wait- WHAT? Your cat!?'

"This is why we are going to be using Deidara's cat as a diversion AND as our double agent. I will put camera on its head that I can control, and a speaker by its ears so Dei can talk to it. Sparky is extremely dumb so she would think Deidara is nearby. It's the only cat he's got left before the RSPCA come and take it away.'

'Why?'

'Bang, Bobbles, Fireworks and Taro Okamoto, his other cats and neighbour cats got blown up.'

'...Ouch.'

'Sasori, that wasn't my fault, un! Now Sparkles has only three legs.'

'You named your cat Sparkles?'

'Yeah, because when I got her she sparkled in the sun, like Edward Cullen from Twilight.'

'She was wet.'

'Shut up, un!'

The fluffy cat Sparky opened one eyelid after listening to this horrible screeching noise made by human and mewed softly. She heard her master open the cage and hands came in and took her out. The poor thing had three legs and no attitude to match. Its left back leg was artificial, made of wood, instead of a paw, there was a wheel instead.

'Danna made the wheel,' said Deidara admiringly.

'I think the cat would be very uncomfortable with a wheel instead of a paw.'

'Oh, she doesn't mind.'

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. 'What the hell am I getting into...?'

* * *

A/n: the Kakashi series shall conclude within one chapter. While you are waiting, you can check out the song 'No Ordinary Girl' by Elle Henderson on Youtube, which was the prompt for this. I'm very sorry for the wait and the short chapter. Writers block. Uhg.


	18. KAKASHI IS AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE!

Merry Jashinmas and a crappy new year! Please don't get offended if you are Spanish. I am not Spanish at all, learning English and pig Latin are too confusing and I'd rather not speak another language. Except Japanese. But we all want to. Don't bother giving me a lecture lesson.

I got inspired to finish the chapter when I opened my LJ up and the first thing that comes up is this post in capslock_naruto that is requesting for this fic that was mine. It was strange reading something like that, partially because it was in capslock. : P My entertainment for the day!

**--Konoha Hostess Club --**

**

* * *

  
**

UNMASK KAKASHI, PART 4 (I think, I'm too lazy to check)

Pakkun sniffed at his food. It tasted good.

But he could smell cat outside.

_That _smelt better. He simply ignored the food Iruka laid out for him, going for cat instead.

_(Ok right now, start James Bond Music)_

Sparky crept in quietly through the cat flap. She had numerous acquaintances to her: She had been bugged: earphones so they could hear her, a walkie talkie that Deidara could talk to her, a small video camera on her head which was fitted around with a nice cap. Her wheel had a defence mechanism that Sasori implanted - a device that recognized people's touches, if they weren't encoded into her Human Device, the wheel would automatically spray something that was poison, although cats were immune to it.

Confusing, I know.

Deidara had removed her collar as well.

The four outside watched with interest. Kakashi and Iruka really did live in a mansion. It was stunning, the interior.

"Left, Sparky, un." Deidara whispered into the walkie-talkie. This was where Iruka and Kakashi were watching TV. Sparky suddenly jumped as Pakkun tried to attack her.

"Shit, shit!"

Sparky hobbled along, opening a cupboard with her paw and closing. Pakkun whined against the wood. Once Pakkun had left, Sparky pushed out. She went right into the living room.

"...And in today's news, Barrack Obama and vice Biden has made national headlines..." said the TV.

"Obama? Obama? Biden? Isn't that the guy they are looking for?" whispered Madara.

Naruto give him a batshit crazy look.

"No... That's Osama Bin Laden."

"...Who?"

"Never mind. Keep listening. Sparky, sit under the coffee table just there."

Sparky did as she was told.

It was then, which the most horrible thing happened in the world.

"_I'm just no ordinary girl; I'm from the deep, blue, underworld..._"

"FUCK!" Naruto yelled, forgetting that the _H20: Just add water theme song_ and his voice was loud enough for Kakashi and Iruka to hear.

Iruka got up immediately. Madara turned Itachi's phone off (no doubt Itachi was probably calling) without seeing who was contacting him. Pakkun roared, running past Iruka and Kakashi and swiping at this enemy's body. He missed.

Sparky meowed loudly, which the two had an extreme fight with many yowling, so loud they turned the walkie talkie off. Kakashi managed to restrain Pakkun as Sparky escaped, not before Iruka had grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, took off the spy gear. Sparky bit Iruka on the arm (_Gooooo Sparky!_) and tore off.

Iruka ran after her.

"OI!" he roared into the night. Naruto backed away from his position behind the fence. Sparky jumped over said fence, but was stupid enough to land on Deidara's head, giving the effect that Sparky was floating in mid-air.

"Run!"

The five of them ran.

Sasori and Deidara ran left; Madara, Sasuke and Naruto ran right. They crossed a small park with a creek, and slid down said creek, and into a tunnel which cars went over, sitting down and catching their breath. The only problem was, they could hear Iruka right on their tail. Naruto was beginning to freak out.

"Nooo!"

"Who is THERE?" Iruka called. "You were spying on our house, weren't you?"

"Madara. Get up! Distract him!" Naruto hissed.

"What? Why me!?" He shook his head. "Why!?"

"Pretend you're drunk or something- -"

Madara raised his hand in mock salute, and within the air was the grace of what was like a solider about to sacrifice himself to the enemy. His hand fell to his chest, and took a deep breath. "Of course. I will die rather than-"

"Get on with it," Sasuke growled, pushing Naruto in the back to get them the hell out of there. Of course using Madara as their spokesperson was the best thing Naruto had thought of this year. Then, Madara was the only one in the tunnel. He understood what his must do.

This was why he prepared for this event!

In his pocket, he took out a harmonica. In his other pocket was a pair of aviators. He twisted around, took his bag off his shoulders. Inside was a floppy Mexican hat, a book on how to play the harmonica and a fake moustache, along with other random items for the "just in case" emergencies such as gravy mix, a packet of lollies (bribing material for small children and fat people with sugar addiction), Christmas crackers, an aerobics DVD, and so forth - his flattened his hair as much as he could, stuck the hat on, stuck the moustache onto the area between the upper lip and nose, put the aviators onto the bridge of his nose and began to play.

Madara wasn't that bad of a harmonica player, just a little out of tune. All those years of doing nothing while Sasuke feathered around making tea must of payed off.

He didn't get praise for it, but he really did look like a bit of a derro. Then he heard voices.

"- Kakashi, I can hear someone down here..."

"Who is it? Iruka, I'll check elsewhere."

There was a sound of someone going down a partially rough piece of hill, feet stepping onto soggy dirt. Iruka Umino stared at his student warily, on the inside of a tunnel. It was lucky Sasuke and Naruto had run off the other way. Maybe they were hiding under branches now.

"Err... Madara-kun?"

"Sí."

"Kakashi and I are having some trouble out of house."

"Es una lástima." Madara replied, brushing a bit of slobber off his precious harmonica. "¿Cuándo?"

Inner-Iruka banged his head on the ground. Why the hell did the first person he met had to be that crazy Uchiha that somehow hadn't been kicked out of school yet. Iruka didn't know much Spanish, but he knew what ¿Cuándo? Meant.

"About 5 minutes ago."

"No lo sé," Madara sighed. "He estado tocando mi armónica. Si usted se está preguntando porqué puedo hablar español, utilicé Babelfish. Vi nadie..." He blew his harmonica. "Sehr ist gut-" He stopped in mid sentence. "Wait. Wrong language."

"For god's sake," Iruka gritted his teeth and left Madara at that, going back up the slope. When he heard Iruka leave, Madara got up quietly, ran quickly up the slope to see where Iruka was walking too. He was by the laundrette now. Madara ducked back down, took all his accessories off and picked up his walkie-talkie.

"Oi, shit heads, over," he whispered into the device. "He's near the laundrette now." There was a noise, and Sasuke must have handed the walkie talkie to Naruto.

"Wow. Did he see you?"

"Yeah.I used some secret Uchiha methods to get rid of him, dattebayooooo!"

"That my line..." Naruto stared at the walkie talkie. Sasuke was too trying to contact Deidara and Sasori. "I dunno what you did, but thank you... Ok, well, can you follow him?"

"Sure, over and out." And there was more reply from Madara.

"Good, it gets him away." said Sasuke. "Why did he have to come?"

"He just saved our lives." said Naruto seriously. "What do you think he is going to do when he leaves school, anyway?"

Dramatic Pause.

"I... err... don't know." said Sasuke lamely. His phone beeped, and it was a reply from Sasori. "Oh, a message from Sasori. Deidara's located Sparky. She's out the back of Kakashi and Iruka's house. Kakashi can be seen watching TV or something now. He has his mask off but he isn't turned round -"

"MASK OFF!?" Naruto whooped, features of his face bright from Sasuke's phone, "Let's go back! Madara, Madara, are you there!?"

"Hmm, over?" came Madara's voice from the speakers. "Ok, I'm coming, over." he clicked out.

Naruto was practically vibrating from excitement. "Yes, Yes, Yes! Let's go!" And as bouncy hyperactive blonds do, he took off, leaving Sasuke to his tail. Naruto used his superb ninja skillz to climb up the creek wall in darkness.

"Come on, Sas!" He used an overhanging brunch to hoist himself up.

"I can't see where I am going." came Sasuke's gruff voice.

"Eh? Let me help you." Hand shot out feeling arm for Sasuke's arm. He groped around. Cicadas buzzed around merrily, adding an annoyance to the landscape. He reached in a little more, feeling around the darkness; one hand gripping the branch above, the other clasped itself around Sasuke's wrist. He pulled up; Sasuke's other hand on his upper arm. Once Sasuke was up, Naruto automatically felt a hand around his waist.

"Thank you." Naruto could barely see him, but he blushed a lovely red colour when he felt the hand brush soothingly on his back.

They shared this moment together, lost in their own worlds. Naruto nuzzled himself against Sasuke's chest.

"You know, girls do that in various situations, not men," smirked Sasuke.

"Yeah, but I'm a girl 9 hours a day, remember?" said Naruto, half closing his eyes.

"You sound like a bit of a myigonist, you know."

"I'm not. I just don't like the girl and boy differences in this world..." the blonde smiled to himself. "When one wants to go to the bathroom and one cannot..." He sighed. Seeing maybe a streetlight in the distance. He felt Sasuke remove his hand from his back then felt it reappear on his chin.

"Look up at me."

And that, Naruto did. His black eyes shining in the darkness. He could barely see, but the eyes were the brightest of them all.

"You won't be able to see anything."

"I can see your eyes. Blue is pretty rare."

"Sound a little poetic there, Sarsgay..." Naruto whispered, sharing breath. "In romance movies, this is where they start kissing. Except in gay fan fiction, where the make out immediately-"

"You read gay fan fiction?"

"What, No! I'm joking, I -"

"Naruto."

"Hmm?"

"Shut up." Sasuke deadpanned. "Now I'm going to ask you a question, you better answer it correctly."

"Shoot." Naruto, as if physic, knew what he was going to say.

"I'm not going to kiss you yet." Naruto felt a soft thumb doing circles under his chin. "But -"

"Oh. I thought you were going to say, '"Kiss Me"'-"

"Will you shut up and I'm saying something," Sasuke took a deep breath. "Would you like a boyfriend?"

Naruto squeaked, hand flying to his mouth automatically.

"A boyfriend?"

"I'm available. But I'm not going to kiss you yet. Uh, for 9 hours a day, I'll be straight. It'll take 99 percent of the fan girls off me at school, at least."

"So we aren't getting divorced at all, teme?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Dobe. You are the only one who has ever gotten close to me. So I was thinking... maybe we should try it out."

Naruto stared, still at the light in the distance.

"Yeah, we can try it out..."

"Good." Sasuke stepped away. "We need to get back to Kakashi's house."

I can't believe I just said yes... Naruto and Sasuke turned, as Sasuke took out his mobile and opened it so they could use it as a torch.

"Thanks, Naruto." The two hopped over a broken branch and up the hill. They past a spooky playground. Sasuke recognized it as the one he used to go to when Itachi and Madara were making too much noise. The very swing he used to sit on was lazily swinging in the breeze. He looked at his newly acquainted boyfriend, who was humming to himself, a small smile on his face. In one hand, he carried a water pistol. Around his neck was a pair of night vision goggles, which he forgot to, put on when they ran off from Kakashi and Iruka's house, scared outta his wits. Sasuke made a clasp for his hand, but Naruto moved his hand away.

"Oh come on, Naruto..."

Naruto turned to Sauke. "We have a mission, you can't distract me."

The blonde was surprisgly a concentrator at times.

"So? No one's looking."

"Fine..."Naruto put his pistol in his back pocket, to make the effect of a daring cowboy, "Hey, what would Itachi and Madara think of this?"

Sasuke stiffened. "We won't tell. I won't hear the end of it if we told."

"What about if we told Itachi only?"

"Isn't it a bit obvious he would tell Madara? Those two are practically connected by the core."

"They are really complete opposites, aren't they?"

"Well Itachi is basically another south pole, Madara's more of a... there isn't really a way to describe him. Maybe a community service announcer?"

At this, Naruto stared at him blankly. Hastily prompting himself, Sasuke told Naruto why.

"Whenever he's at the supermarket, he goes around, looking for the telephone. Even though he is my cousin and I really hate him with a passion, he's pretty good with a shopping trolley and making things up. I think he would be an author. Anyway, what I was saying -" At this time, they had gotten up the hill and onto a lightened street, not far from Iruka and Kakashi's, "He picks up the phone, and he says something like, "_Attention shoppers. If you have been here, over an hour, please go home. Your families are missing you. Your families love you, if you find a cheap bargain; the store on the opposite side will surely have a better bargain. So get out of here_..."

Naruto raised his eyebrow. "Sure sounds like him..."

They took an alleyway route to Iruka and Kakashi's. Deidara and Sasori were sitting on a fence line. Deidara had captured the cat and had put her back in the cage.

"Where's Madara?" Sasori whispered as the two came in sight.

"Following Iruka."

Sasori nodded, returning to his binoculars, "Good. He hasn't moved yet. Who knew Girls of the Playboy mansion was so interesting?" He turned to Deidara, who was currently drooling over Kakashi's TV set. He nudged him, and Deidara jumped.

"What, un?"

"Stop drooling, you're making me..._ jealous_."

"Whatever, Danna. You know that watching that is more interesting then Kakashi, un."

Naruto ignored them and jumped over the fence.

"Wait, Naruto!"

Naruto ducked down so the television wouldn't reflect him. He skittered in the garden "like one of Sasori's puppets" said Dei, hiding behind a watering can, then moved his head up to see if Kakashi had looked around. He hadn't. Very bravely, Naruto looked at the path. There was a bit of gravel next to him. With one move, he picked up a very small amount, and threw it at the window.

It was the quickest of flashes.

All Naruto knew was a black blur in front of him grabbing him by the midriff and taking him out of the garden as fast as a ninja. But not before Naruto had seen Kakashi's face.

He screamed, and Kakashi ran outside.

"Who's there!?"

Madara threw Naruto over the fence like a doll, and then pulled himself over as if he was made of paper. Sasuke tried to catch Naruto but missed.

They heard Kakashi's pug barking and a door open.

"Kakashi, I seriously think someone is trying to get into the house." Iruka had appeared, though they could barely hear him. "I think it's all the internet downloads you've done."

"No, they would have broken in and taken me away by now." said Kakashi firmly.

"Really." Iruka pleaded. "We need to call the police or something."

"You are just overreacting, my dear Iruka." Kakashi picked up the gravel Naruto had thrown. "Did you find anyone when you went out the front door?"

"I saw Madara-kun talking in Spanish. The cat is gone."

"There," said Kakashi pleasantly, "It was the cat. End of story."

Iruka went red. "I swear, someone is trying to break in, Kakashi!"

"I don't think so. I think you are just a little paranoid. I don't know, but you might be catching my cold..." and they went inside.

Meanwhile, behind the fence, Madara was shaking Naruto's shoulders.

"Should I give Naruko CPR?" he said seriously.

"She's alive, moron," snapped Sasuke, "just a little wind knocked out. Nothing much."

"Good." said Sasori and Deidara together.

"Naruto? Can you hear me?" called Sasuke softly.

The blonde slowly opened his eyes. His ribs really hurt. "Ugh... what?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Madara just saved you."

They were wide open now. "Really? ...thanks."

"You're welcome," Madara felt Naruto's chest. "Bra intact."

"As much as we would like to do that," came Sasori's glare/annoyed voice, "This really isn't the time for you to be groping her."

"Yeah, sorry? In a way." Madara raised his hand. "What did you see, anyway? What does his face look like?"

Naruto stared up, the blinked a few times. "Nothing. Theres nothing underneath!"

Sasuke and Madara looked at each other. '...What?"

"Just skin. No mouth. No nose. Nothing."

"Naruto-' Sasori began to say."Everyone has a nose, mouth-"

"No!" he sat up. "I'm telling you, he's an ALIEN! There's nothing THERE!"_ rAmen_... he looked at the sky. "Wouldn't the alien guys get him?"

Madara raised an eyebrow. "Congratulations. You are as nutty as I am. Sempai, do you have some water?"

Deidara shifted his hand to his bag and threw him his bottle. Madara twisted the cap and poured some into Naruto's mouth. He gulped it down.

"Thanks," he said with a raspy voice. "You really are weird."

"Thank you." Madara beamed. "And with that conclusion, it is official: Kakashi has no face. We'll spread it around the school tomorrow. I think Itachi might be waiting for us. I hope he went and got us food, because I'm starving. So I and Sasuke shall leave. Naruko, are you staying the night?"

He saw Sasuke give the tiniest of nods.

"No," although he wished to. "I better go."Mum might be freaking out or something. Sasori, Deidara, thanks a lot. And Sparky, too."

The cat didn't respond.

* * *

A day went past before a school assembly was held. The holidays for a week were coming up. Karin and the girls had personally invited Naruto on a camping trip. Of course Sasuke said yes as soon as Naruto asked him to go with him. But as usual - Madara and Itachi overheard by plot no jutsu so they decided to tag along.

Sasuke was hoping to spend time alone with Naruto, Naruto was hoping to develop bonds with each hostess - not that Karin would let him.

She was planning to ravish Sasuke to the moon.

(But don't tell anyone that or she will kill me for blabbering shah)

And then, before the day ended, Iruka got up to speak to the school population.

"Kakashi and I had a few troubles last night-" Naruto snickered, and Iruka went on, "And whoever is responsible for what you did last night. Mark my words; you will be going to the police. Cough up."

Silence.

Iruka glared around, as if each student was guilty. "Well?"

The other teachers gave him bizarre looks. He sighed, and said then, looking straight at 1-D's row, "Uzumaki. Stand up."

The crowd instantly started to whisper. What was Naruto in trouble for? Did they find out about UKO?

He stood up. "Yeah?"

"I'm guessing it was you at my house last night."

Now, Iruka was a nice man. Sometimes.

But Naruto wasn't scared! He was president of UKO, remember?

He crossed his arms. "And?"

"Were you?"

Naruto sighed, pretending as if they had caught him out of pure guiltiness. "Fine. I give up. I was there. But only to see what was under Kakashi-sensei's MASK!"

The crowd stopped whispering, and they all looked over at Kakashi.

Silence.

Then-

"Naruto, you are AWESOME!"

"Well done, you are SO BRAVE!"

"Did Sasuke-kun play a part in this?"

"Omg!"

"Wow!"

"She's courageous! Brilliant, though not as brilliant as Sasuke!"

Madara stood up, having previously trying to molester Itachi to bits in the back row of the hall, "Ok. I'm just adding my two cents, so shut the hell up everyone."

They all silenced.

Madara took a deep breath, as if going to scream, but merely clapped instead in a rhythm.

_"Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!"_

_Clap, clap._

_"Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!"_

Almost at once, the whole school joined in.

_"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!_"

_Clap, clap._

They all chanted and yelled, Naruto and Madara the loudest. Naruto turned around to grin at his boyfriend, who was clapping, though not yelling as loud as those two.

"SIIIIII_IIIIIII_IIILENCE!" screamed Tsunade. She pointed at Kakashi who looked like he really didn't want to be here, "Kakashi, take it OFF!"

Kakashi held up his hand as if he could negotiate.

"I have upper authority of you, Hatake." said Tsunade. "Just for this minute, take off your mask."

And then, Kakashi did.

His eyes were normal to an extent (scar, mismatched and all). But there was no nose. There was no mouth. There was no nothing.

Naruto was the first to scream.

"SEE! I TOLD YOU HE WAS AN ALIEN!"

The crowd starting screaming, except Gaara, who walked out, hating loud noise.

They heard a police siren. A faint girl had called the police.

Which was then they burst in, taking Kakashi away to the military base as an unofficial classified alien.

Naruto smiled to himself.

_Case._

_Closed._

_

* * *

  
_

---

Ok, so their relationship is formed. Just before the next chapter, I can add that their relationship isn't going to be like the average "kiss-more kissing- make out- have sex the end" sort. You know Naruto can get very stubborn at times, right? (hint hint) so can Sasuke, (hinthint) but Madara isn't (hinthint)

Um, Kakashi is a human enigma. Here, have abackstory: He was walking in a forest (age 5) when a UFO appeared. It took his face. It was so distressing that the Hatake's moved to Konoha, who keeps their secret safe. Kakashi used to wear a fake face but now he doesn't because he spends his money on Icha Icha Books. : P His mouth is invisable as well :D

**THIS IS WHY HE WEARS A MASK**

Next chapter: the host club go camping. The Uchiha tag along, of course.


End file.
